General Rant and complain thread open to all supporters

Feeling pretty low at the moment it's been a month since I last talked to my partner with trauma. We both said I love you to each other at the airport. Than she has ghosted me since than I've reached out twice and nothing.

She had been battling her trauma for a bit and was going back and forth on if she could stay in a relaxed with me.
Feeling pretty shitty tonight. It's been 72 days since my ex partner and I spoke. Seemingly blocked without reason.
I just wish I'd get a message from her. I still cry every day thinking about how she'd stamp her lil feet when she'd get frustrated that I couldn't come to bed with her, or wasn't able to attend something with her, or thinking about the lil hat I bought her for her birthday a few weeks before we broke up. She loved it so much.

I wish she didn't have to deal with this illness, and I wish I supported her better through it.
I hate the “what-if” game… never, ever let yourself go there. Damn, I’m glad we weren’t together before Iraq, because then I’d *know* what “what-if” was like.

I’m having a shitty “what-if” day. How can such an awesome person be such a PTSD ass at times?
ive played that game alot lately. "what if i could have done this or that to better support them or what if we had met before their abusive relationship." it takes a huge toll on my mental health. so sending you good vibes
Just to summarize…

- I’m not allowed to be excited, engaged, posit thoughts, or ask questions in conversation.
- I AM allowed to have opinions that differ from yours -but- I am not allowed to voice those opinions.
- I am neither allowed to have questions, nor not have a preformed opinion, and explore a topic unfamiliar to me.
- I may never, under any circumstances, correct what you say. ESPECIALLY if you’re reflecting back what I’ve said; my thoughts, feelings, motivations for my actions, or opinions incorrectly. Clarifying my OWN thoughts/ feelings/ motivations/ etc. are not allowed at any time. Full stop.

I KNOW I am more than a warm body / audience to you.
I KNOW you love me.

But these “rules & consequence”? Are, quite frankly, insane. Shoving me INTO a box of “warm body audience” with no facet of me, myself, involved.

If that’s what you want in a conversation? Hit up Reddit & Discord. Not real people.
Yes, I will take full responsibility/accountability for what I said in response to your verbal assault (s) against me; this last time in particular when I really lost my cool and said some things I really regret. Two wrongs don't make a right, but one wrong and one right don't make a right either and I'd really wish you'd consistently acknowledge that (because you do/have in the past). You've been chronically ill for over half the time we've been together, believe me I understand that fully being a childhood cancer survivor with my own emerging issues/consequences. It's been a long awful journey figuring things out but we're almost there and the surgical procedure that's going to make a world of difference is right around the corner. So please stop verbally berating me and flying off the handle over things. Don't get in my face and tell me that it's my fault the place is messy and the kids are reluctant to do chores and I must want us to live in mess, and I (and nobody else) cares about or listens to you and I'm absolutely pathetic because we're financially in a bad way right now (yes I don't make enough right now and have to ask parents for help). That is not "trying" to start a conversation to work together for a solution.