General Rant and complain thread open to all supporters

Please don’t invite me somewhere and then tell me you weren’t sure if you wanted me to come. We spent an hour together. We laughed and commiserated with each other. The kids had fun on the swings. Do you not care about how I feel when you hit me with that?

Christ. I know it’s hard for you to come out of your shell when you’re overwhelmed. And I know that you’re overwhelmed right now. I was touched when you reached out. But maybe just let me sit with the illusion that you appreciate my company for a little bit.
And now we’re into targeted wallowing of “reality” ONLY being some f*cked up, dark, doom & gloom, manipulation of…. Aaaaargh. No! That is NOT reality. That might be your reality, in this moment, but that’s not reality full stop motherf*cker.

I get hard months. I just had one. I get being “new”. Even though that was a long ass time ago, now.

It’s not exactly rational, but I really just want to THROTTLE some cheer & smiles & good times into someone right now. Like physically squish it into his cells. Smack some sense into him.



Back to doom & gloom & dark despair. (Smack!) Nope. Won’t help. Don’t do it. If he were a vet, it would work. Prolly. He’s not. So it’s back to me jumping on eggshells.
I'm sorry that I can't pick up the phone and give you someone to process your loss with. I know that I've been that person to you for the past year or so. I need space from you. I need you to understand this isn't punishment. It's okay that you're not as ready for a relationship as you'd thought. It's okay that the idea of commitment scares the hell out of you. I know your story, and there's nothing there that I can blame you for

I'm not angry. But hearing your voice hurts like hell right now. Please just back off for a little while
When “OMFG… Thank you for saving me from applying a new job, eye crossing nonsense” …. Becomes a thing. Instead of just gratitude, real & honest gratitude, to focus on anything else but resumes/cvs/selling one’s self.

Brick. Wall. Bang. Head.

Yes. I realize I WAS emotional.

And, clearly, other peoples emotions are not your thing, right now.

But seriously? I’m applying for f*cking work, and stressed the f*ck out, and you were a brilliant -and lovely- distraction… until you decided to nope out… was something that helped. Until I realized I was somehing that hurt.

f*ck f*ck f*ck.

YOU are okay.

I just need to lean on someone else, is all.
Am I suppose to sit here and watch the person I share my life with get swallowed into this pit of despair? The constant suicide ideation. Complaining about what he doesn’t have while doing nothing to get it.
I know why he is stuck. I get it and it’s awful. I empathize and sympathize. I guess I don’t understand the lack of desire to do something about it.
I'll end my obsession with this thread tonight with this:

If you're a supporter, and you've found yourself perusing these threads because you can't quite figure out what you've done wrong....

Go find the threat titled "What are they thinking". It started in 2017, but that's ok. Its amazingly relevant. And I'll bet you find yourself, as I did, reading it from beginning to end (I'm currently somewhere in 2018).

He isolated all day. Came back from his ridiculously long drive for no reason at about 9pm. Then it seemed he expected some type of date night repeat? Good lord. No. You asshole. I've been on pins and needles all damn day. The last thing I can do is flip a switch and suddenly be ok.

I explained that to him. Weirdly, he listened. We kissed and he's off to bed and I'm off to couch lol. And that's ok. I need time to process and not be at his beck and call.

This is hard, you guys.

Sufferers? Just know we love u. But it sucks. It's hard. We feel at fault. We feel useless. We try and try and try and yet we'll never be enough.

Secondary PTSD is a thing. It needs more attention.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m in a similar boat asking myself what I did wrong. What set him off? Etc. Will I ever exist? I am going to check out that thread.
I am currently NOT ONLY to blame for… everything… but am also gross & disgusting. Again.

I have a packet of foil stars around here somewhere. I’m sticking a gold one on my forehead as soon as I can find the sucker. Because dayum.

I’m not even kiddin about the everything. The pandemic? Tooootally me. My fault. It’s awesome wrapped up in a ribbon of delight. Not only are 6million deaths on me, but that it takes a few months for a doctors appt. <casts eyes skyward>

I also have an inner ear infection that keeps spiking a fever of 102, and making me want to puke every time I move. In addition to being off work -without pay- for 2 months due to a back injury. Which just adds to the joy.

Life is spectacularLly f*cked in the right now. Here’s to hoping the gods don’t have as sick a sense of humor as I’m pretty durn sure they may. Because 16 kinds of ‘I feel dreadful’? CLEARLY the time for you to lash out at me. BITE ME.


Otherwise known as… now is NOT the time to lose your shit and have me respond in any kind of Teflon. Welcome to MY having so little self control left, we’re going toe to toe over your bullshit. As pointless as I know that is.

f*ckity f*ck f*ck.

I am about to lose my goddamn mind.
Last edited: