General Rant and complain thread open to all supporters

[Tinyflame]

OMG @Friday didn't know whether to 'like' the post or put 'sad'. (You can see which one I chose). I have been told "I am" so much of what I'm not there are times I can't breath or speak 'the right way', don't "think right", or 'feel' right, and have pretty much put out of my mind even what I look like, sound like, or actually 'am'. It is pretty crushing. It is however pretty sane to think, well that's how I'm made. What astonishes me, is at some point you might hear something like, ~"Why aren't you more (x) - (confident, don't like pictures, won't ask, don't speak up, etc etc etc) ??!" (as an insult in itself). Hmmm.. let me guess..

They are your underarms. Period. Do what they want with theirs and draw any conclusion they want. Sounds to me like trying to push a button when they didn't get a reaction or what they wanted, IMHO. Put it on twice, for fun, is what I think. Or more importantly, "because".

 

[HisWife22]

I love this thread, gonna go back and read the whole thing.

Know where I am? In bed. Know why??? Cuz I couldn't find a shirt. My daughter's shirt. He did laundry today. He hung it up in a place I didn't expect. I made a comment about not being able to find it. STUPID STUPID STUPID ME.

In a f*cking nanosecond, he flipped the anger switch. I'm so sick of never ever knowing what will set him off. I'm sick of hearing I'm sorry later. Just don't f*cking do it in the first place!

I'm sorry for my repeated use of the f bomb. It is what it is. It feels like such an appropriate punctuation to how I feel, so there it is.

I suppose I should just be grateful he did laundry.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It’s crazy making. I have stupid things I cannot do either. I didn’t even realize he was conditioning me.

 

[Livinginhope]

Three weeks completely AWOL, he pops up to say he's sorry, then AWOL again. 10 more days and counting. Not personal, no. I get that. Personally affects me, hell yes!!

I f**king hate isolation. I f**king hate PTSD. I f**king hate two steps forward, three steps back.

That's my Monday morning rant over! Thanks for understanding.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Isolation is the worst… at least when they’re lashing out you know where they’re at.

 

[Livinginhope]

Isolation is the worst… at least when they’re lashing out you know where they’re at.

I'm lucky on that front, at least. He very rarely lashes out. Isolating is his go-to every time. I hate it. It's soul destroying. This evening, he's reached out. Perhaps it's the start of him coming out of it again, perhaps not. Who knows? I sure as hell don't!! I hope you're having a good start to the week. Thanks for understanding x

 

[Joenot1368]

I'm lucky on that front, at least. He very rarely lashes out. Isolating is his go-to every time. I hate it. It's soul destroying. This evening, he's reached out. Perhaps it's the start of him coming out of it again, perhaps not. Who knows? I sure as hell don't!! I hope you're having a good start to the week. Thanks for understanding x

My heart goes out to you and others in this similar scenario. Its gut punching no matter how many times we say “its not me its them”. When you love someone deeply logic is not as simple to find.
I guess when there is limited consistent progress a boundary to set is “we need to go to therapy together or there is no partnership” (and my “partner” wont go). You cant force it we know that - but we have to be try to use something as a hard line to bring closure and peace in out minds.
I send hope and good energy.

 

[Freida]

So I'm a big isolater, who used to be a runner like him. Then one day a long time ago @Sweetpea76 suggested something like a man cave or she shed -- a place either in the house or maybe a building outside that I could retreat to knowing I would be left alone. It took a bit - but it's working. I tell hubby (and sis/nephew when they lived here) that I need to be alone and I retreat to my room, not to be disturbed unless the house is burning down.

It's not quite as good as just taking off, but it makes him feel better because he knows I'm safe, so we make it work. Plus it keeps me from lashing out at him because he's not around me.
Don't get me wrong-- there are still many times I have to physically leave, but we now have ground rules on how it goes. I'm not allowed to just disappear. I can isolate but have to tell him where I am and text at least once a day that I'm ok.

The biggest challenge for me was him proving to me that he wouldn't break into my isolation. No phone calls, no knocking on the door to see if I'm ok or if I want something, no bugging me about when it will be over. Totally leaving me alone - which I can imagine was hard for him since I was still physically here.

But, now that I know he will honor the boundary it makes it easier to isolate on site rather than taking off

Maybe a conversation for when he's stable again?

 

[Livinginhope]

So I'm a big isolater, who used to be a runner like him. Then one day a long time ago @Sweetpea76 suggested something like a man cave or she shed -- a place either in the house or maybe a building outside that I could retreat to knowing I would be left alone. It took a bit - but it's working. I tell hubby (and sis/nephew when they lived here) that I need to be alone and I retreat to my room, not to be disturbed unless the house is burning down.

It's not quite as good as just taking off, but it makes him feel better because he knows I'm safe, so we make it work. Plus it keeps me from lashing out at him because he's not around me.
Don't get me wrong-- there are still many times I have to physically leave, but we now have ground rules on how it goes. I'm not allowed to just disappear. I can isolate but have to tell him where I am and text at least once a day that I'm ok.

The biggest challenge for me was him proving to me that he wouldn't break into my isolation. No phone calls, no knocking on the door to see if I'm ok or if I want something, no bugging me about when it will be over. Totally leaving me alone - which I can imagine was hard for him since I was still physically here.

But, now that I know he will honor the boundary it makes it easier to isolate on site rather than taking off

Maybe a conversation for when he's stable again?

Thanks @Freida for your side of things. It always really helps to hear that he's not the only one (I know, of course, that he isn't but it's sometimes so hard to see the wood from the trees!)

I try my hardest to leave him alone when he's isolating but it's a work in progress . To be honest, given his shift work (paramedic), we frequently go a few days without contact and that suits my lifestyle too. I'm not someone who needs to hear from their partner all the time (in fact, it would bug the hell out of me if he suddenly started messaging morning, noon and night!) So I'm actually not too bad at the whole isolation thing on the whole EXCEPT when he just disappears into thin air without any warning and doesn't make a date we've agreed. Obviously then my first thought is that something horrible has happened. And then I'm worried, followed quickly by being pissed off, because he didn't understand - or didn't register - that it would worry me! A bit of a circle! It definitely helps that we don't live together because he has his whole house as his man cave to retreat into.

One thing I never do though, and never have, is ask him when it will be over. Thank God I learnt that here very early on and it's been massively helpful to know. I can't remember who gave me that hugely valuable piece of advice but it's definitely paid off.

Whichever side you're on though, this is all kinds of sh*t at times isn't it?!

He messaged last night and we had a short conversation back and forth, with him suggesting that we grab a cuppa later in the week. It will be lovely, wonderful, amazing if it happens. But I'm not holding my breath. Which is kind of sad, really. Because I love spending time with him but my reaction now is to feel wary and not get my hopes up. Anyway, time will tell. It's not like I haven't been here before with him .

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I really appreciate it. I've been keeping up on your diary and know you have some difficult days ahead. I can't imagine how you feel or what you're pushing yourself through, and obviously we don't know each other IRL, but from everything I've read here what I do know is that you're a kind, caring, gutsy and resilient woman who's struggling through a really, really crap time. But you've got this, even if you don't believe you have. I hope it's OK to say this, but if anyone can get through the whole Texas thing, it's you. Hugs if you'll accept them x

 

[Freida]

aww...thanks @Livinginhope
hugs are appreciated!

we frequently go a few days without contact and that suits my lifestyle too

Yep. When hubby and I moved into together I had just started in dispatch and was working graveyard with rotating days off, so some weeks we rarely saw each other. We now joke about that being the whole reason we stayed together - we didn't have time to get on each others nerves!

Whichever side you're on though, this is all kinds of sh*t at times isn't it?!

yes..yes it is...

 

[LuckiLee]

Why, after all these years do I still let him get me so mad and flustered? I had to leave the house to calm myself!! Wtf!?! Over the f#!&ing phone bill. Some of the neighbors were outside watching when I left. Great! Should be a fun summer on the lake. Not!

He gets so loud!! (Sgt. Mutha Fatha!! GRRR!!) Barking orders like he's a damn drill sergeant. Seriously, who does he think he is??

Yes. He was sleeping and had just woke up from a nightmare. Yes. He was probably still in "nightmare mode". Stuck in whatever horror that woke him up. NO. That doesn't give him a pass. He absolutely has to check that sh!t.

I'm at the Big Lake now. Taking a breather. Watching all the fisherman along the shore. I don't want to go home during the daylight so I'm waiting here. A storm is slowly moving in across the lake from Canada. Looks like my mood. (See attached)

We talked twice. Told him where I was. He said (in a not so nice tone) "uuh, maybe I don't talk to people right? I'm still f#!&ing military. I gotta figure something out. "

That would be nice!!! Think before you speak!!!

Tomorrow's gonna suck! I'm gonna be all mad and crabby. Dad's home from Florida tonight. I'll go hang out with him tomorrow. Yeah. A big dose of Dad will do the trick.

Thanks for letting me rant.

 

[Friday]

Why, after all these years do I still let him get me so mad and flustered?

Because you have standards. That’s a good thing.

I'm at the Big Lake now. Taking a breather.

Love it. Doing that & Dad tomorrow? Is WHY you can still get mad. You stand up for yourself, and care about yourself. That’s the strength needed to be a full on partner & not a doormat or worse.

Good on.