Rant/observation

[Otorec]

Tulekak et. al.: The pointing out my husbands words being identical was just an attempt to show that sufferers aren't alone either. That there seem to be commonalities and tall like that is one of them, the, as you put it, martyrdom. I kind of liken it to the inner teen acting out ("no one understands me, it's all shit, why bother"). I know no one is the same or interchangable, but even people with PTSD aren't alone, and, just like depression, cancer, diabetes, there are commonalities between sufferers (or being a teenager for that matter). It's (probably) part of the illness to think it's hopeless and you are completely alone in the world. We may not understand your burden, but we want to help you carry it.

Ilopom, Thank you for a good explanation. That is exactly what I mean by communicating what the illness causes. I know time awareness is an issue for my sufferer (not that he realizes it), but I never connected how that could affect isolation, especially long periods of it. But he often thinks of something as having happened in the last couple of months, when it happened years (and three houses) ago.

I also am one who is becoming convinced the isolation isn't necessarily bad behavior. I never really thought of that as the worst anyway, and I also believe walking away and isolating is better than getting overwhelmed or abusive.

I'm still all about communication though. Like I said earlier, if, when you aren't in a full blown spiral, but your brain still can't trust your partner enough (and at this point I'm talking someone you trusted enough at some point to let in...I realize even that gets hijacked. Right now, to my soon to be ex, I'm bad and always have been. So he's leaving.) to let them help share the burden you carry, and communicate, then we supporters are also left with "why bother?" Why bother being in a relationship where we are expected to give everything (because believe me, if I wasn't there 100%, I heard about it), but can't expect anything in return?

I guess, for me, as a mental illness sufferer myself, at some point we say, "enough," and figure out how to deal with it. I, too, had no idea how bad my depression was, and, in fact, thought I was as "good as I am going to get," because I was doing better than I ever had in my life. But my anxiety was getting out of control, so I went to my doc, and figured that out. In the process, the right dosage of the right medication suddenly made my depression actually go into remission for the first time ever. Did I trust someone else to tell me it could be better? Nope, because I had no idea.

*sighs* The human condition. We all crave and need human interaction and intimacy, which requires trust and communication. What do we do when that part is broken? It's physically impossible to trust someone - but at some point, that human closeness is craved and needed.

I know I am lucky - my amygdala isn't programmed incorrectly by past trauma, so at some point, my "thinking" brain, my intellect, kicks in and says "Screw it. You don't know what's going to happen, but you have to do it anyway, if you want this," so I do what I need to. And that's the thing - at some point, it might become possible to tell your lizard brain (I've heard the amygdala referred to as the "lizard" or "hind" brain) to shut the hell up long enough to make that phone call, or reach out. It's possible, because other sufferers have done it. Are they all in exactly anyone else's position? No. But at some point, they got there.

*hugs to all those who want them* My biggest frustration right now is knowing that my husband, my sufferer, trusted me enough to let me in. Then a major PTSD episode happened, and he doesn't any more. And I can't even make the phone call for him because he doesn't want me to because he can't see past his illness. And, for him, won't even really acknowledge that it's an illness that is the problem. So he's definitely not there yet, and I can't help him carry the burden.

 

[Osed]

Aaand another addendum:

Personally, I isolate when I start feeling the urge to lash out.
I will always rather walk away from a partner, rather than hurl abuse at them. Maybe ones not really much better than the other, I don't know.

By "doing something," I mean actually getting help and actively trying to address the illness. Walking away, as a method of coping, is totally understandable. And generally, if someone is in a position where they ARE addressing their illness, and are in a relationship, chances are good there is already communication happening. We supporters may still need some reassurance, but that's why we come here.

I have noticed on these forums (and IRL, with those I know), there is a world of difference between a sufferer who is in therapy, and/or who is working on their illness, and is communicating with their loved ones about what that entails, than someone, like my husband, who refuses to do so.

There are those who are more self aware, like Tulecak and Ilopom, who are obviously on a road to healing (as much as possible), and who, even when looking in retrospect, can recognize how their behaviors affect other people. Not all of us are in relationships where our sufferers are there, and it's so scary. No amount of research in the world can prepare you for "I don't love you anymore and I'm not sure I ever did and I'm done with you." And if we did our research, and we know it might happen, it doesn't help when we say "Ok, so maybe it's time to get help," and all we get is, "No, go away, don't make me hate you, you are the problem because you triggered me." In sickness and in health doesn't matter because this illness makes even that promise dangerous.

Yup. It alllll sucks.

 

[Omewi]

f*ck it. This is why I have chosen to remain single. I do not want to deal with other people's shit!

 

[Afisa]

Again... supporters are allowed their emotions and hurt feelings. Their pain is valid too. If reading about that is an issue for you, perhaps reading supporter threads isn't a wise decision.

 

[Jidiv]

And, that is part of the point of some of these posts - if all you see is "other people's shit," when it comes to relationships? At least you know yourself well enough to stay single.

 

[Rafiv]

First, my sufferer didn't tell me at first. When he did tell me I had NO IDEA what that meant. Now that I know, primarily from this forum, it doesn't always make it easier.

As for whining, that's why I'm here. Where else can I talk about that anyone would understand? And what am I whining about? Not just that I miss him (but what's wrong with that anyway?) but that I don't know if he'll be back (apparently that happens) and that I'm worried about his mental state of health... is he going to kill himself? Who else on earth would want to listen to me talk about these things? Apparently even some people on this support site!

I come here so that I can present a calm front to him. I let out my emotions here, not dumping all over him. On the rare occasions that I do dump on him it sends him into deeper isolation. So that's why I come here to complain.

Just scroll past the stuff you don't want to read, nobody has to read about anything they don't want to. And if you feel that strongly about how wrong the whiners are why did you post anonymously??