Rapist Is Semi-famous

[rightkindofme]

I put this in education because this is coming up through my home school community. I wasn't sure where else it might go.

I'm a parent. I home school my kids. I'm very active in that community. A mailing list for my general area that I am not all that active on has recently had an announcement for a kids show (of a type I won't specify for many and varied reasons) performed by a guy who raped me almost ten years ago.

I'm not real happy about this.

I asked a friend (the organizer of another specific home school group) for advice and she told me to talk to the moderators of the email list. They probably don't want to send families to this guy.

I'm afraid of backlash. I'm afraid of being accused of lying because I didn't press charges. (I was not sober. The police would not have been supportive in the slightest.)The fact that I'm stupid enough to drink does not mean I deserve to be raped but I haven't met a police officer who will listen to such a case.

Anyway.

I feel like I had to say something. I didn't give details. I was "appropriate" in disclosure level. Yuck and ick and bleh.

Today my stomach hurts.

 

[Loveneverfails]

What a horrible situation to have to be in! I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I do think you should say something too. Whether they do anything about it is on them, but you can rest with a clear conscience knowing you did your part to protect people. You're very brave for even considering it. Be good to yourself, you definitely deserve it.

 

[open eyes]

I was molested by an entertainer/magician at a childhood birthday party who is pretty well known in my zip code. At least, I think it was him, the memories are awfully blurry. I don't want to mention names or make accusations because it's possible it was someone else.

I'm glad that you know that being under the influence does NOT mean it's your fault.

 

[seedling]

I home school my kids as well and I would want to know. I couldn't say that there wouldn't be some who would choose to not believe you but I would want to be warned if there was someone with that history around my kids.

I think there is more awareness about rape than there was 10 years ago and you may find more support than you expect. Do you have to disclose the full nature of the situation? How well do you know the moderators? Is your group generally supportive without a lot of internal bickering? The answers to these questions might guide you in your decision.

Good luck, these people deserve the full light of day.

 

[The Albatross]

In the end, when facing any uncomfortable/fear or anxiety inducing situation, I have to ask myself what or which I would better be able to live with: taking the action necessary or accepting. Most often, that means I am able to buck up and attempt as best as I am able to take the action.

Sometimes, conversely, I ask myself "If I attempt to take this action, what can happen?" and then I do a CBA (cost benefit analysis) to examine my thinking/feelings. I often find some weird connections or irrational thoughts that swirl around the possibility that if something doesn't go my way or the result might not be what I want that I have a disproportionate bunch of emotions about it. Failing, scrutiny, risking or trusting, fear of institutions or distrust of institutions, what people will think of me... that sort of thing.

 

[rightkindofme]

I posted very non-specifically on the list and I am slowly answering responses based on how curious they seem to be.

 

[seedling]

This sounds like a great approach. Good for you.

 

[austint]

The man that raped me always told me it was my fault. It took years of therapy and sneaking out to group counselling to get the nerve to believe in myself. Then when we did get to court he painted me to be an alcoholic and promiscuous. The judge gave him my child and told me to get my act together, he wouldn't even let us meet up at police stations any more to pick up our daughter. If feels like that is my PTSD, its his punishment, and his blame for his sexual problems and anger being sanctioned by a court of law. I am afraid I can't pick up the pieces this time. He broke me over and over when we were together, and I was depressed but I kept fighting harder, taking more classes and focusing on growth, but after the judge ignored everything and took away my right to safety I just can't switch back to me. It has been over a year now, and I know every day I get worse.

I am hopeful for you in saying something, and you are right, alcohol doesn't help. If you are really afraid of repercussions you can easily chat with a lawyer for free on-line or by phone.

Even with all the pain and consequences of that judge's ignorance and my abuser's ire, I wouldn't take back standing up for my daughter and myself. We have had no contact for a year now, and I was a stay at home mom, then a single mom, it was always us girls. But even though the legal system failed for us, I believe that this burden of PTSD is mine to bare, and little by little every day I don't go back to him, or I write another domestic violence group, or government official, all the ideas I have to help other victims, it is going to make an effect on the world my daughter will inherit. So be safe always, but I am proud I stood up and said something, even though it cost me everything, it didn't take away my right to love and protect my daughter, it just made it take a different form.