Reaching Out But No One There

[brokenchild]

It seems since I don't present with what people regard as depression (so bad they can't get out of bed) that I am almost never taken seriously. My depression has NEVER been the kind where I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I am still working full time and going through the actions dance and in the gym. But it's NOT the same.

It's more the I can't eat, can't sleep, losing interest in things that I once loved (dance and lifting weights), extremely tired (even if well rested), can't concentrate, and spend way to much time thinking I should be dead and how to make that happen.

Currently, all the the above is applicable and I am close to be where I was last winter, which was way to close to OD'ing. I had gotten the pills in my hand, all I had left to do was take them. No one seems to notice or care though. I've even self injured, which I hadn't done in almost 10 years. I just don't know how to cope right now.

I keep reaching out, in real life and online, but I am getting little to nothing in return. It just validates that I don't deserve to get better and that I deserve to suffer like this. On other forums, my posts go unanswered while other people get tons of support. I've emailed the Polaris Project, which works with survivors of human trafficking, and they never responded. While I was at the doctors, my doctor tried calling and there was no answer.

I see a psychiatrist on Aug 16, but I've never been to one that actually listens, just gives you medications. I don't think I can afford therapy right now and wouldn't know what to say if I was there anyway. Sometimes I think I am too broken to put back together and I wonder why I am even trying.

 

[Jade-]

Sorry you're feeling so shitty brokenchild. Sorry you feel like people don't care or aren't listening to you.

I've been where you are right now and I know it sucks. I just had to keep fighting and trying to pull myself back up insted of giving up and letting myself go deeper.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I don't know where you live but many places that provide therapy they have a sliding fee scale. They look at your income, and what your expenses are and they give you a very reduced fee. There is also the possibility of a Priest or a Rabbi that you could go to for help.

I too suffer from the same type of depression that you speak of. I still go to work, take care of my self as far as bathing & hygiene, but the depression is deep. I have also learned how to keep the depression form others knowing. Just one more mask that i wear at times...

Many times, I have found that FORCING myself to do the things i don't want to do anymore, is the way to lift the depression. It's just pulling yourslef up by the boot straps, giving yourself a swift kick in the ass and get going. It does work, but it takes huge effort.....Hang in there!!!!!!

 

[anni]

Yes, but what I've seen in this forum is that one does tend to get answered, and not just some 'pat' answer but as you've seen, from people who know exactly what you're talking about. The fact that you haven't had to resort to complete inabilty to even get out of bed seems to me to mean you do tend to have that ability to maybe focus energy and get through it.I've spent my share of days rather paralyzed, although not for years.

If you can get to investigate the options of various sliding scales, and perhaps churches, etc.,you really might find relief there! I know I found at one point that the Catholic Chruch did not require me to be Catholic to plug me in to it's services. Gosh, that was such a lovley realization then, and so comforting at the time when it felt like noone DID care, and made the depression far worse!

There's also a study I can't find, darn it. It's an old one, too, so it may have been disproven by now but I came across it in college and copied it because it was sooooo striking! It's NOT pertaining particularly to PTSD, so please do not anyone think I'm recommending any anti-therapy methods here for THAT. Someone did a study on depression, and the various methods most helpful. I do not remember the dynamics, methods, etc. so please excuse.The bottom line was that the statistics ( and yes, depending on how the people who are sponsering the studyy wish it to turn out, one can easily torque result, I know) showed that at a certain level of depression, people who had access to a minister, or a very good, solid support system of friends who listened and provided positive feedback, had the same 78 percent recovery rate for that flare of depression as someone who visted a Humanistic-theory counselor. (behaviourist theory counselors 38 percent btw hmmmm. )

Please excuse the wordiness. It just seems to me that perhaps the human spirit finds it helpful to just plain be heard, and listened to and validated when it's struggling so hard. The professionals then can provide in-depth things we have no clue about,help organize some of the chaos in the head and implement other tools we can't possbily undertake alone., but perhaps ( and obviously this is not a professional opinion-just that of someone who has had to surface from where you are too many times) just not being alone and being listened to for REAL is a big healing tool.

I do hope you will find being here helpful, and have some energy to go forward. Do take care!

Anni

 

[Lucycat]

Brokenchild, I couldn't just read and run. I know what you mean. I too go to work and look from the outside to be functioning well. Inside I'm crumbling and struggling but am desperate not to let it show.

I hope you are able to use some or one of the previous suggestions to access tharapy.

Big Hugs and good luck. You are not alone!

 

[Iam]

HI BrokenChild. I too couldn't just read this and not comment. I am so sorry you are in the dark hole of depression. I have suffered from depression all my life. Sometimes I have not had the energy to pull myself out. I've always made it to work, bu there have been times when for months I would come home a just go to bed.

Having a support system is so important. We NEED to be heard and validated. Somehow that helps get some of the pain out so we can function. I agree with LucyCat that there are times when we have to force ourselves to do the things that we love. I am at that point now. It is so hard to get myself up and going, but I find relief when I go do the things I love. Sometimes the only way I can do that is to make plans with a friend (not plans to share my pain, but plans to do something fun). When I make those plans I feel I have to keep them so not to let my friend down by cancelling. It forces me to do what is good for me. IDK...just a thought.

As far as therapy goes. When I went I had absolutely no idea what I needed to talk about, work on, share etc. My T asked me what brought me in (the typical first question) and all I could say is "IDK empty nester syndrom, menopause, mid-life crisis? I know that I am sabotaging myself but don't know why." Little did I know that I'd end up working thru past traumas. Hadn't even considered that.

All that to say that when you find a good therapist, they will help you figure out what you need to work on. The sliding scale is worth looking into if you are ready for therapy and it sounds as if you are.

Good luck. We're here for you!

 

[brokenchild]

Jadebear - I'm trying, but I must admit, not very hard.

She Cat - I can't afford anything right now, even a reduced rate would be too much for me. I don't know how I'm going to afford my upcoming doctor appointments.

And yes, hiding the depression is just another mask.

anni - I've never had the type of depression where I couldn't get out of bed. It just doesn't affect me that way.

I do think just being listened to at time can be the best therapy, even if not by a "therapist" per say.

Lucycat - Thanks.

Iam - I've been coming home and going to bed all week. I just have no want to do anything else.

I don't really have any friends to make plans with.

I'm still doing everything I usually do. I'm still going to work, dance, and the gym. I just have no want to do any of it and I'm doing it all because I have to. Considering a few weeks ago I was beyond excited because I had decided to compete in powerlifting next year, this complete not caring about lifting weights is so very unlike me.

I am on Celexa, just 20 mgs. The last time I was on it I was on 80 mgs. We'll see what the psychiatrist says I guess.

 

[Cynthiatoo]

Hi Brokenchild
Do you see a good GP as well as your psychiatrist to supervise your meds.? I found it incredibly frustrating to get my meds right so I started keeping a diary on what I take and the dose and the effects and my mood on a scale from 1 to 10. When I find it I will write it out for you to see. I'll explain it more then, but it meant I had solid evidence to show my GP. I have seen Psychs a few times but found my GP worked in well with me to monitor the meds and get them right.

It seems to me that if you were on 80mg last time and your body responded to that, then you need to contact the doctor or a doctor and get their advise to up your dose. We get a bit hung up on dosage equalling severity of illness, some of us, but its not that, a higher dose just may be necessary for some. I have a doctor friend who has to take several times the average amount to get her body to respond and this is all done with the supervision of her doctor.

Of course, if you came off the Celexa because there was something about it that didnt work for you, then it might be an idea to ask your doc to try another.

Have you tried any other types of SSRI's and has your doc tried an SNRI? Effexor or Pristiq are SNRI's.

I think when you are feeling that you really really need support it would be a good idea for you to put that in the beginning of your post. EG: I need your help...or ....please respond to this. The written word does not always convey immediate or urgent need to the reader. Please try to find a few words that fit well with you and practise putting them at the beginning or end of your posts or both.

Nobody here is going to think you are asking for too much if you say words of urgent need.

My sister (PTSD also) says that each healing stage is like having surgery to get better. It hurts and we experience the pain again and we hate that, but each time, we heal a little more and a little more.

Honestly at the moment, I think it sounds like you need to ring your Psych or your GP and tell them you need help urgently and talk about your meds.
If you cant do this and you dont feel safe, go to the hospital. I know it is a pain in the butt....but even if it pisses you off, it might get you over the hump.

Remember the meds wont work properly unless you are trying to rehydrate. Remember, ice cubes if you cant drink, sipping through a straw, carry a bottle. Please try it. Try to get yourself to a point where you pee clear.

 

[Cynthiatoo]

.....and dont worry yourself about not having friends to make plans with. Its OK to just live right now while you are going through this process. You dont need the extra pressure of putting on a mask. If the best you can do is having a book and eating one thing a day that has a green in it along with all this hard stuff you are doing here on this forum, you are doing really really well and I promise it will get better. I promise it will not stay this hard.

 

[skyp56]

It's more the I can't eat, can't sleep, losing interest in things that I once loved (dance and lifting weights), extremely tired (even if well rested), can't concentrate, and spend way to much time thinking I should be dead and how to make that happen.
.

Brokenchild, I just had to reply to let you know you are not alone: I am right where you are. I've been trying to find distractions for myself, but can't drum up the interest in anything. I'm not going to give up, so please say you won't, either, ok?
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
skyp56

 

[Iam]

I love the support you show Skype ;o)

(((HUGS))) to both of you!

 

[NIKI]

Want you to know I am listening and saying a pray that you feel better! NIKI