General Reaching Out To Others Who's Sufferers Drink Too Much

[Inthistogether]

Hi all. I'm new here and just looking for advice, insight, tips etc that could be helpful in dealing with the ups and downs of supporting a husband who is self medicating PTSD symptoms with alcohol.

My husband is very aware of his PTSD symptoms, and what he is doing to try to cope. It's an open topic of discussion between us. I wanted to add that as background info.

I'm truly just looking to share thoughts and feeling on the subject with people who understand. I have many people in my life who care, but none who really "get it."

Thank you in advance.

 

[amethist]

Hi inthistogether

This is one part of PTSD that is the worst for us.

Hubby never drank to excess, OK the odd one too many at times like we all do, but never out of control drinking that PTSD led him to in the beginning.

He went from a social drinker to an Alcoholic in 4 months, drinking 24/7 and needing detox to get off it safely. He did a 10 day stay and got of the 24/7 with help and support form those who understood him. That was around this time of year in 2008, he has kept off it mostly since then.

Lately though he has taken to having a drink a couple of times a week, usually when he is on his own while I am out. This also seems to coincide with him either messing something up, or something upsetting him. This really upsets, and annoys me as he is no good to anyone after only 2 cans of English larger, and can be physically ill after it too.

The other reason for doing it, is because he is scared I wont come back when going out, and a few drinks blots this out for a while. There is more chance of me not coming back because of the drink than anything else. My husband is not violent with it, though his mouth can run away with him, and this is when I do walk out and leave him to it for a while.

It is a way of coping, but not the right way. So we are going back for some holistic therapy in a few weeks to help with this, among other things.

I hope your husband can find another way of coping, because drinking with PTSD is like "Pouring oil on a burning fire"

Take care of yourself as well as you can.

Amethist

 

[sisu]

My guy doesn't get drunk every day - however he has at least 2-3 beers every day. Not a day goes by without it and his house is always stocked with beer. There are times he drinks more, but mostly he has just those 2-3 beers. I notice it, not sure if I should worry about it and I'm not sure if that is what you would call an alcoholic. It's probably not a good mix with all the meds he is on - and every time the doc asks him if he drinks he lies and says 2-3 per week.

I don't know...should this be cause for concern? :confused:

 

[Tifanee]

If someone needs alcohol on a regular basis in order to cope with life, then it is alcoholism. There are better ways of handling hyper-arousal or to get grounded from the day, then to drink alcohol. They feel better in the short term, but they are killing their livers in the long term. My partner doesn't get physical either when he drinks, but his words can be cruel, random, or silly. Like Amethist, when they are cruel or ugly, I walk away from it. We end up doing the very thing that scares them the most...we walk away. Either way, it needs to be discussed and you need to make sure he knows your boundaries with his drinking.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi inthistogether, yes alcohol is an issue for us too.

For my husband it's when we are out socialising and gets stressed or triggered. He can't control his intake, gets extremely drunk very quickly, staggering, sluring, falling down and passing out on the table. Stress gone. For him.

I am torn between enabling him by taking him in a cab home or letting him sleep where he lies. I am fed up with chums telling me he has passed out and shouldn't I get him home. I am not his beeping mother.

I have tried putting him in a cab on his own only to get home 5 hours later to find him asleep on the front doorstep in the rain. That was funny.

It was OK when he was in a wheelchair, I could let him sleep and just push him around. I got told off by a stranger for that... she came up to me in the pub and had a go at me for making the poor disabled man sleep in his wheelchair, said I should be ashamed of myself. I pointed out that he was 38 years old and perfectly able to decide where he should be and if he needed a nap it was none of her business.

However, no trigger no problem. Just a few weeks back we had a 3 day weekend at a music festival and he was 100% fine with social drinking.

We have been having many conversations about this since the begining of the year, very low key and short steps. From me naming it as a problem to him deciding to see a T has taken 3-4 months.

Slow and very gentle conversations with no emotional input, giving him time to think about ideas and options. He knows my family history and alcohol, he knows I am not going to live with this sword of Damoclese hanging over my head.

 

[sisu]

Sorry PW - I chuckled when I visualised you finding him asleep on the doorstep 5 hours later. :roflmao:

We have had conversations about drinking - I am a socail drinker but I can go days and/or weeks without any alcohol at all and be fine. He doesn't appear to "need" to drink - he just likes the taste of beer and likes to try different types. He even makes his own. However, this has gotten me thinking and I am going to be more aware of his habits - for my own information. If I notice issues, then I will try the slow and gentle conversations like PW.

 

[Inthistogether]

Thank you so much for your responses, they mean so much to me. We've come a long way with couples therapy, as far as helping me to accept that I can't fix it and learning to set boundaries and not enable.

We do struggle with the times when his drinking interferes with parenting/family responsibilities. I have had to set strict limits to assure the kid's safety when he is driving and when he's the only one home with the kids. To be 100% honest, he's pushed those limits too. I've said no alcohol at all if he's driving or alone with the kids, and he's snuck a couple drinks in behind my back. It's hard to parent together and not set him up for failure at the same time.

 

[Innordinate]

. It's hard to parent together and not set him up for failure at the same time.

Sorry, this just struck me as seriously wrong. I don't know if I'm understanding wrong or not.

To me it sounds like you're saying that you're setting him up for failure because a boundary you set is that he has to be sober around your kids and not drive them around when he's been drinking? It's setting him up for failure because 'obviously' he's going to drink?

I'm an alcoholic. I have kids. This sounds profoundly wrong even to me. I must be reading into it wrong.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Thank you Innordinate, I had to double take on that one.

Sorry to read of you situation Inthistogether. I hesitate to be as blunt as this, but if he thinks it's ok to drink drive and is prepared to "sneak" alcohol in while looking after his children, your man has a serious problem.

I couldn't handle that in my life, the risk taking is too much for me these days.

I hope you can find a way through this.

 

[Inthistogether]

I agree, he has a serious problem. He recognized it too, which I am sincerely grateful for, and I believe that he is very close to finally getting treatment. I take no offense to your responses at all.

I want my husband to be in our lives and to help me in caring for our children. Because he has days when he is sober, I know he can do it, and he's great with the kids when he isn't drinking or otherwise isolating/numbing.

Many times I struggle with trying to predict whether he is going to be reliable in staying sober while with the kids. I am afraid that if I give him no opportunities to be a responsible dad and a part of this family, that he will just give up and see no reason to try. The first priority is obviously the kids safety, so I do set the boundaries to keep them safe. It's sad to say to the man I love, "You cannot drive the kids except for when I am 100% sure you are sober, such as if we've been together all day or first thing in the morning" but it's my reality right now.

 

[amethist]

It's sad to say to the man I love, "You cannot drive the kids except for when I am 100% sure you are sober, such as if we've been together all day or first thing in the morning" but it's my reality right now.

Hi Inthistogether.

Some may think this is harsh you saying this to your husband, sad as it may seem that you have to do this, it is from your heart through the love you have for both your kids and your husband.

So setting the boundaries no matter how tough they are, is a good thing to do.

I would do exactly the same thing. I once threatened to burn my husband motorcycle if he road it after he had been drinking, and would do the same with the car we have now.

So do things which are from your heart, for the good of all of your family.

Amethist

 

[Innordinate]

I know you want advice from supporters for this. I'm not a supporter but I can tell you the 'Drinking rules' of my house.

I don't know if it'll help or not.

There's really only one.

Not around the kids. No drinking around the kids, no being drunk around the kids. If kids are awake and in the house I have to be sober. It's not perfect. Like for instance if she takes the kids out, I drink, she brings them home, I'm drunk, this would violate the rule. I have my own room so I stay here, it has an attached bathroom. No need to leave. No interaction with the kids.

It still effects them negatively. My oldest daughter still knows, she goes to therapy, it's discussed.

I don't drink a lot anymore, maybe once or twice a week and only when symptoms are extremely bad, when I'm beyond exhausted.

Poor excuse.

I break this rule, I lose my home. Either rehab or well.. anything else I choose but I can't live here. It's in writing.

I don't think my wife is being unfair. I think I'm being unfair to my family. I can't help it but I'm working on it. I think my wife wouldn't even tolerate me at all except she knows how hard I've tried and am trying.

Also, I don't sneak my drinking. It's a sign of complete loss of control over it. My wife knows when I'm drinking. Even if I just have one drink, she knows. I'm grateful that she allows me to drink, it makes it easier for me to know I can drink if I can't work my way out of a craving, it's actually helping me control it better, but she knows every single time. I guess that's an unspoken rule.

There's also no liquor just randomly sitting around my house to tempt me. I have to go out and get it, or she has to bring it home for me. It's a lot of work for me to go out and get it, I have to build up to it, sometimes I don't end up drinking because it's more inconvenient than the need to drink is overwhelming, and sometimes because by the time she could bring it home the feeling has passed.

These rules have been in place for a long time now. There are other rules that have been in place, that have changed, that are re-discussed, re-negotiated from time to time but she will only tolerate so much. She tolerates too much as it is, if you talked to any health professional, addicts councillor etc.

I hope this kinda helps somehow. Sorry for stickin my nose in the supporter side.