General Reaching Out To Others Who's Sufferers Drink Too Much

[ProudWife99]

Innordinate - I think the advice and examples you offer above are extremely helpful. I think it takes strength to share them from the perspective that you do.

 

[Inthistogether]

Thank you again for the input and honesty. I plan to reply more later...this was a long workday in an even longer week. :)

 

[Inthistogether]

I know it's been a few days, but I wanted to come back and thank you all again. It means so much just to know I'm not alone, and that people understand.

My husband and I met with an alcohol counselor at the VA clinic today. I asked him if it was ok to make an appointment for us to go and learn about the treatment options available in our area, and he agreed. Before we went it, I said "I am not asking you to commit to anything today, just to be honest and have an open mind."
It went very well. Near the end of the meeting, she asked him what he felt ready for. He said he wanted to try cutting down on his drinking on his own as a first step. She labeled that as "harm reduction" and seemed to think it was valid a first step. She asked him how long he wanted to try that for, and he thought 3 weeks would be reasonable. I was actually surprised that when she asked if he wanted to make another appointment with her today, or call back later to let her know how he was doing, he decided on his own to make one. I feel really encouraged about that.

 

[Innordinate]

I hope it all works out for you guys.

 

[Pale Warrior]

That sounds really positive, well done both of you.

My fingers are crossed.

 

[Tinyflame]

Your children rely on you to protect them, that is not harsh or unreasonable but up to you. If he were thinking more clearly and realized he is not capable drunk the way he is sober, he himself would be ensuring it.

I wish you both the best. If this does not work out the way you hope, don't lose hope, he may have a much lower bottom.

 

[SamerSue]

My fiance is an alcoholic. It's a huge struggle for me, for both of us. He isn't drinking right now (supposedly), as he is on probation for a DUI in January. I still smell alcohol on him on occasion. It makes me furious, as he is jeopardizing not only his future, but mine as well. When I start my new job later this month, I won't be able to leave work as easily to check on him when his Mom or Grandma calls me in tears because of him drinking and talking about wanting it to all be over. Not only will it be my first "real" job, it's going to be 90 minutes from home.

His PTSD is combat related, and severe enough that he has a 100% disability rating. Fortunately, it means that he gets a pension, unfortunately, it means that should we have children, he will be a stay-at-home Dad. Knowing the extent to which he drinks, and that he tries to hide it from me, the idea of him being home with any potential children makes me uncomfortable. Actually, strike that, it terrifies me.

When he drinks, he gets angry. He stomps around the house, he yells, he scares the hell out of the animals (three dogs and a cat). They hide behind me, as he doesn't turn his rage at me. Well, verbally he does... I'm trying to learn not to give it back to him verbally, but it's hard. When he spews his rage in my direction, it's hard to not defend myself, to just let his words roll over me and not have an impact. He doesn't even realize what he is saying, or the impact his words have on me.

Almost two years ago, I was on a train when it hit a car. Three people died in the accident. Two days later, I found out that one of my cousins was killed in a car accident. Her grandson survived, barely. I was an absolute wreck. He found it appropriate to discuss, in detail, the decomposition process that a body goes through. When I tried to get him to change the subject, he kept going on about how it was a natural part of life, and I had to accept it, and he was just trying to help me accept it.

He saw a substance abuse counselor at the VA a earlier this month. According to him, the counselor doesn't think he needs to come back again, as he has a good grip on things. I think he told the counselor what he thinks she wanted to hear, so that he wouldn't have to go back again. He's good at figuring out what people want or need to hear, and giving them exactly that.

I haven't attended my Al-Anon meetings in a few weeks due to finals and general life chaos, but I'm planning on attending at least one meeting this week.

 

[Mrs. T]

it is actually quite encouraging to know H and I are not the only ones going through this with his drinking. He doesn't drink all the time but what scares me is when he's had a really rough day and he hits the bar after work late at night. His evening job, I never really know when he'll be finished, so I'm always caught off guard when he comes home drunk. I know he really tries to be responsible and he had tried not drinking...but that doesn't work.

When it comes to our kids, I will draw the line and I know he will understand. Before his diagnosis, however, topic of his drinking was a sensitive one for him and I really didn't know how to handle it. I let him convince me that there was no problem. One day, I came home from work to find that he and my two boys were sleeping on our bed. I thought it was funny, not knowing until the following morning that he had way too much tequilla. Thankfully my parents lived in an apartment below us and H took the kids visit them for much of his drunk babysitting. This fact was both very embarrassing and relieving for me. It terrified me, but I really had no idea how to handle it. Thankfully,this has not happened since!

 

[LizardViolet]

Ugh, drinking. Inthistogether, I hope your partner is able to cut down and manage his drinking, or (ideally) stop. My bf is an active alcoholic and I've really only seen him drunk over the past few weeks. We don't have kids together, we are not financially interdependent and we don't live together, plus he follows his own rule of never drinking and driving, and he doesn't start drinking until after 6 or 7. But he drinks a lot. He drinks every night. He's had brushes with liver failure and other medical problems and when I look at him, I see the clock ticking down.

For those of you with partners who drink sometimes, have you ever talked about alternative courses of action for those moments when they're feeling overwhelmed and they need a drink? Other strategies for calming?

 

[HelloMo80]

I feel for all of you. My person didn't drink all the time, but when he did, he did to capacity. That's a true alcoholic. I may have a glass of wine with dinner, always just one, and that's not an issue. I don't need it daily and when I go out I never have more than one drink. It's my own rule. For him, he would start at home, keep drinking while he was out and then drink more when he got back home. That's pretty excessive.

I tried once to keep up with him when we first started dating, but that is not something I could do. It's harmful. I'm glad to hear none of you all are trying to do that. Sometimes we think, "well, if I can't beat them, why not join in?" Take it from me...don't go that road, even once. The best thing to do is to protect yourselves and then help them get help. Ideally, they will do that on their own but that's not always the case.

And as always, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

 

[Lauren13]

My brother suffers from PTSD, he was a cop and had to make a split second decision to take someone else's life in order to save others.

After the shooting, he desperately tried to convince everyone he was ok, drinking and partying night after night. I was the only one that saw through it and I was the one there every night slowly watching him break down and it broke my heart I couldn't fix him.

After a short period of time the rage began, alcohol only fueled it. I would be talking to someone and he would just walk up and hit me hard or pull my hair or push me, one night he hit me so hard I thought he had broken my wrist. I was his target, the one that stood beside him, I didn't understand. His treatment of me caused problems between me and my husband, my husband didn't understand why I stayed at his beck and call. It was because he had talked about suicide and I knew the one time I wasn't there would be the one time he would hurt himself and I wouldn't be able to live with myself, it would be my fault.

I too am guilty though of having my "I give up days" and just started drinking with him, it's hard. You never know from day to day if it will be good or bad, all you can do is be there and have faith that things will get better.

 

[HelloMo80]

Lauren, I'm with your husband. While your brother needs help for sure, you cannot risk being his target. You have a husband (and if you have kids, this applies more) who is probably watching you fall apart as well. Your first loyalty is to your husband. You will need to put up boundaries with your brother or risk falling into the same trap of drinking as him. Do as much as you can, but please put some distance between yourself and him. You can't fix or save him. What you can do is take care of yourself and encourage him to get help. What he does or doesn't do is not your fault. I hope you can realize and recognize that and begin to heal yourself as well. God bless!