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Reactions of Others to your PTSD

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PrincessP wrote:

I waited all of my life for him to die (I hope that doesn't sound horrid, but he was very abusive to me). When he finally did die, it was inappropriate to cheer, or have a party, or be happy/relieved about it. My father died, and good or bad, he was "Dad". The world teaches you, in its warped thinking, that ALL the dead become saints, and we have to pay our respects, even when they made your life worse than Hell.

Doesn't sound horrid at all - just normal to me! I spend a lot of time wondering how I would feel if my abuser died. There is no way I would go to his funeral, which the rest of the family would be offended and confused about. Not a chance I'm going to listen to someone say a load of nice things that are complete bollocks.

My current thinking (yes I am aware that I've thought far too much about this) is that I hope he dies before I do, so that I can live safely in the world for a while. I would also like to get hold of his ashes and either flush him into the sewer or make him into a brick which is set at about knee-height on the corner of a street where lots of dogs will cock their legs and pee on him daily. These are the thoughts that keep me from ending it all when the depression sets in. I don't want to die before he does.
lizagurl: Thank you! *raises hands triumphantly in the air and does a mini-cheer* Today, and yesterday, are the first two days I've had where I honestly haven't thought about the childhood traumas and wanted to cry. The thing that worries me now (and probably rightly so) is that this could just be a placebo effect, and may not last. But I'm just being grateful for today... that I watched a sad part in a show today without bursting into tears.. that I got my new curtain rods hung, and the only thing on my mind was finishing laundry instead of a beating I got on Christmas Eve.

...again, an entry I started 2 days ago *lol*

What I'm trying to say in my very long winded way is that I feel ...here. In fact, everytime I feel my spirit start to separate from my body I just quietly tell myself two words - "Be Here". I hope I keep feeling this way.
Princess..yes, you will have bad days...it's normal, honest. Honestly you deserve a good cheer for what you've accomplished. Right now the feeling is new, and your mind is not quite used to it. I have discovered that alot of trauma patients usually spend a good amount of "fun time" waiting for the other shoe to drop, don't really accept the good as being good with no reason. You made it through one day, no one can tell you that you can't make it to two or three days in a row in time..cause it does take time. As simple as it sounds hanging up curtains rods is a really good sign. For a long time I wouldn't decorate my apartment, afraid to add any kind of color to my surroundings, I wanted nothing to do with it. The day I started adding more of my personality to my room was the beginning of my recovery. It was a beginning where I started to look outside myself. It is not a placebo effect, it is you wanting to take control of your life again. The original high of it all will wear off, it is a long struggle, but you are well on your way...excited about getting on with your life. I am so proud of you...when you need us well be here if you feel it is tough, you haven't given yourself half the credit you deserve...good thing we are all here...cause you'll get plenty of it...
Princess, bloody good stuff. Baby steps is how it occurs, but atleast you are having a day or two of relief, and if you do that each week even, then that is great. As you start to face your fears head on, you will actually get to the point where everyday is pretty much a good day, with only little problems that may stem during each day. Does that mean your cured? No... what it does mean is that you will still have bad days, a bad week, or even a bad month, but the MAJORITY of your life will most definately get better for you, because of nothing more than YOU made it that way again.

Our fears are what cause our anxiety, depression and general illness. Our fear of PTSD, our fear off our traumas. When we no longer fear these things, our body can learn to cope with them being around. What is happening to you, is exactly this, you are starting to accept your trauma and not fear it. Its slow, its progressive, but its essential for getting ourselves better.

Well done thus far... Don't beat yourself up about bad days, just deal with them, work at them within yourself, and they get less and further between. Accept it happens, accept it is part of our illness, and deal with each day as it comes, whether good or bad.
Just an update

I'm still doing really well, emotionally. Two days ago I felt like something was wrong, though. My mood changed a little.. the initial 'high' I had was dimming, and I felt sleepy and tired all the time. A trip to the emergency room revealed that I have a sinus infection, and a problem with my eustachian tube in my left ear. So now I'm on antibiotics, and Claritin, and I should be better from that in about a week.

The changes thus far... I'm not jumpy... I don't feel angry all the time.. or vengeful.. vindictive... vicious... I'm on a roll with the V's, eh? :tongue: But that's been a big thing with me... always feeling like the world is out to get me. Normally, if I don't talk to my best friend a few times a week, I've got quite an attitude the next time we speak, but so far this week, I've spoken to him once, and I'm fine with that. I used to kinda lock onto a negative mindset if I hadn't heard from him in a while, because it seemed to me that my phone only rang if he needed something from me. That may still be true, I don't know. But I feel differently towards him.. it's almost an attitude like I don't care what he's doing, cuz I'm not thinking about him much. I'm just doing my thing, and if our paths cross, that's ok. If they don't, that's ok too. I like that!

I think the big change is that I can't even seem to get an emotional reaction when I think about the abuse from my past - which, for some reason, I barely think about now. It's been REALLY nice not to obssess about that anymore. It's almost like it happened to someone else... or maybe that it just happened to someone I'm not anymore. In fact, I feel less emotional (in regards to negative emotions) in general. That in itself has made me happier. I can't even imagine what I'll feel like when on Friday, I begin taking Effexor! I'm like "...ya mean it's going to get even BETTER?! No, really?!" :rofl:

I feel like I'm digging my way out of a very dark place, and it feels good. I know it may not last.. I might hit the wall with these medicines and find out that I feel as bad as I ever did. But I'll take what I can get, and I'll take it one day at a time for now.

I've decided, as soon as I can fine tune my thoughts into one direction, that I'm going to attempt to write a book. It won't be focused on only PTSD, but childhood abuse, and how to not let the nightmare of the past dictate your present, because all you do is stall your own existance. I always thought I lived through the past to raise children who are aware of the potential impact of their actions, but since I have no children, and no plans to have any, I think maybe what I lived through is supposed to be a cautionary tale for parents, children, and anyone who has looked at a person with problems and told them to just "get over it".

I start the Effexor next Friday, and I can't wait to see how I feel then!
Princess, you have come so far!!! YEAH!! Just remember it is small steps..nothing comes in leaps and bounds. You have begun to view your surroundings differently. Seems to me you have discovered that the world is only an unsafe place if you let it be. YOU have control over your environment, and isn't it wonderful to have plans again, I still have moments where I am unsure about the future and making plans for it seems awkward. But you go on cause you have the strength for it..so much courage you have shown...congrats
Nice work Princess... really nice work. You have obviously taken a new mindset, said screw this self pity crap, I'm getting on with life! As I always say, only we can fix ourselves, nobody can do it for us, we just need to want it. You obviously want it now, which is great to hear. I know within myself that I am much better without medication, as being on it compared to not being on it gives me more awareness to what is going on within the world, but yes, it does make it harder to manage and fight PTSD daily. With or without, the end result is still the same.

It's really positive to hear the success of people when they actively grab PTSD by ropes and start steering it, instead of it steering us. Well done Princess... very well done. A book? WOW... that would be a great read. I'm looking forward too it already, and best of luck with it.
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