Reality Check

[Sleeping Dragon]

I thought the hardest thing for me was realizing that I had a problem. I've come to understand that it was much harder to admit I was disabled by it.

That's right, I'M DISABLED. I retired early because the well paying job that I was more than qualified to handle was tearing me apart. I left the Board of Trustees of a small corporation because I couldn't deal with the stress. I quit coaching because of my tendency to overreact.

No one, and I mean NO ONE who knew me while I was invovled with the things mentioned above had the slightest idea of who I really am. I spent years trying to shove my square ass into a round hole.

And, why did I do this? Simple, I was ashamed to face my disability. I refused to be honest with myself because I didn't like what I saw when I took a close look.

Were there square holes for my square ass? Absolutely! Is avoiding the round holes a sign of weakness? HELL NO. It's a sign of wisdom.

I HAVE PTSD, AND I'M DISABLED BECAUSE OF IT. Was I a successful project manager, supervisor, trustee and coach? Yep. Were those the right choices for me. NNNNNNOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Here's where I'm going with all this my young Brothers and Sisters. Don't make the same mistakes I made. Be honest with yourselves. Identify your limitations and adjust accordingly. Combat proved you're tough. Don't mess up your life by being too tough to be human.

SD

 

[Zipperhead]

Sometimes we have to recognise which round hole is worth squeezing through. I've had some issues lately with my band, but my reality says that when the pipes are singing, it doesn't matter. Don't give up on what's important to you. Fight for t. Don't let PTSD decide who you are. I'm not talking about the job, or the board of trusties. I'm talking about who we are. Are you a coach? A musician? An athlete? What is worth fighting for? Decide, and then get out there and fight for it. We only get one chance to live this life. Make sure your headstone reflects who you were. No one remembers the person on the bleachers.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Good point my Brother. I was hoping someone would jump in.

The only thing I'd add is those of us with PTSD have to understand that the road to our goals will be much longer and harder because of the extra baggage we carry. Each of us has to choose our goals carefully, and factor in the extra load.

Coaching high school football and baseball was one of the most rewarding things I've done. I didn't make a mistake by doing them. I make the mistake of ignoring the effect it would have on me, and not factoring that in.

 

[Zipperhead]

As long as your decisions are based off your desires, not your perceptions of your limitations, fine. If your are not enjoying the experience, it's time to move on. If you are not enjoying the symptoms of PTSD while you're doing something you love, it's time to fight.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

I respect your point, but have to add:

All of us learned to face the fire and fight. Ya can't shoot straight with your back turned. In addition, that adrenalin rush cancels out everything else. There's no confusion, frustration, guilt or panic, just that greatest high.

We warriors are more likely to succeed because we know how to fight effectively. The battle is not the problem. It's the quiet time after. It's that empty feeling when the enemy is dead, and there's no one else to attack.

I don't avoid a fight because I can't fight or won't fight. I stay away because I like the fight too much.

So, you're absolutely right. There are things worth fighting for. I'm just saying choose carefully because the cost of victory is high.

 

[Zipperhead]

I don't avoid a fight because I can't fight or won't fight. I stay away because I like the fight too much.

I have told a few guys in my band about my demons. One cop and 3 fire fighters. They knew to watch out for the beast and so far they seem to take it in stride. Doesn't mean I haven't crashed, but at least they knew how to et me out of there. Now if only I could get over the heat and crowd things.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Many of the threads I've read lately are from Brothers and Sisters trying to decide how to handle career problems and life style decisions in general. I hope they read what you posted above.

You're working with the members of the band so that they can better understand the situation. You've identified problems with heat and crowds that you know you must work on. That's exactly what I was talking about when I said. "Be honest with yourselves".

If what I said about being disabled sounded like a reason to quit trying or give up on your dreams, then I said it badly. Dreams are worth fighting for. But, ya gotta be committed to the fight, and develop a workable battle plan.

 

[Fargo1]

Like all well laid plans, they will only last until contact with the enemy...

I think what you are trying to say SD is beware of Pyrrhic victories.

• Step one is understanding/admitting that you have PTSD.
  
• Step two is understanding PTSD and how it affects you personally.
• Step three is knowing if the pursuit you are trying is going to trigger you or put more stress than your cup can handle. Unfortunately it is impossible to know prior to trying it...
• Step four is letting those around you know your strengths and weaknesses. This is one thing as veterans we all mostly knew about each other after Boot and training... We knew that if you made it through that, you had a baseline of how someone was going to react and perform... In the civilian world this level of knowledge does not exist and is very frustrating and stressful for us (me at least)!

Finally, we have to realize that there are some things that we simply cannot do like we used to, or place too much stress upon us. Understanding this is the hardest part of the whole equation IMHO. Continuing a pursuit that like this.... Just not worth the price.

 

[Zipperhead]

I'm still at the phase where I believe I can beat this. I can still be who I really am if I never say die. I've had to lick my wounds a few times, and I've even had to suck back and regroup. But I refuse to die. In the end, if I'm remembered as the bitter old man who played a mean set of pipes, I'm good with that. It worked for the WW2 vets.

 

[Ned]

I think that a point worth bearing in mind is that it affects every individual in a different way. Yes, there are common characteristics, symptoms and self-generated ways of dealing with it.
But, just as it's a totally random and unpredictable thing as to who ends up lumbered with Combat PTSD, strikes me that different individuals respond to it in different ways.
There's a few here who are bloody-minded enough to fight. Maybe that is a character flaw, it's whatever works for you.