Realized i'm incredibly naive when it comes to sex

[EveHarrington]

No... that's not your worth. You gotta change that incorrect belief to change how you feel, to in tu...

But I don't know how.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

If a guy wont have sex with me, for whatever their reason, I immediately feel worthless or null.

This is EXACTLY how I feel... I remember being in a bar and flirting with a MUCH older man and drunk and ready to go back to this strangers place and do whatever actually he said it was obvious I had been with "too" many men and wasn't interested. I remember feeling completely taken aback and worthless... even though this guy was close to 20 years older than me and a stranger and still married.... I only know how to target and catch...that's all I know. I really feel for you Eve!

 

[hodge]

I've been there, Eve. And, in my experience, the guys who dump you if you don't have sex are the ones you do NOT want to be with. And the ones you do end up having sex with are not worth your time.

It probably sounds like a cliche, but it really is so important to be friends first. See if mutual liking, attraction and respect grow over time. If they do, you might just have found a good guy. It is just so crucial to take your time. Protect yourself. You deserve protecting and respecting. Repeat that many times to yourself.

As others here have said, you are worth much more than that. You come to believe that by looking deep into yourself, and yeah, you will see your flaws easily, but learn to pay attention to your good qualities, too, and nurture them. I see in you a person who cares deeply about others and the world. That is a priceless gift and something the world needs from as many people as possible, and you are one of them.

 

[Sideways]

You are worth a lot more than you realise. You really are. There is so much more to who you are, and what you bring to relationships, than just sex. It's evident from the way you speak to other sufferers on here that you're full of empathy and compassion and curiosity.

One thing that may help, slowly (very slowly, changing beliefs takes a long time)? When you write about your beliefs, you write like they are absolute truths. Like, "I am naive..."

I can understand how compelling that belief is, but even just reading that statement is incredibly painful. One thing that I think has helped me, is making a point of being careful with my self-talk. Because I'm constantly hearing my inner dialogue, and the words I use are incredibly powerful.

So things like, "I feel like I am naive...". It sounds small and almost silly, but making a point of changing the language we use in our inner dialogue can have a big impact. Correcting that one statement by adding the "I feel..." takes a lot of the power out of the statement, and also makes it much more accurate. It can be incredibly distressing having to listen to our inner critic all day every day, so taking some of the power out of those distressing warped belief statements, I've found can be very helpful.

Big hugs to you Eve. You're worth more than you know.

 

[relm1]

I don't feel there is anything wrong with being naïve about sexuality. I'm right there with you. I am 45 years old and never even kissed a woman let alone had a girl friend so talk about naïve when it comes to anything to do with sexuality, that would be me. Nothing to feel bad about, we did the best we could with the cards we were handed.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Speaking from my own experiences, being introduced to sex at such a young age served to teach me that it was the most sure fire way to connect to the male species and get various needs met.

I'd been taught that was the guaranteed way to please them, bring them joy, keep them happy, to get what I needed and wanted, and to maintain a certain level of security regarding my surroundings, such as having a place to live, food to eat, etc.

When sex has been presented and taught in that manner from our youth onward, it automatically renders us awkward in many ways and makes it even harder to gain our own identity back. Sometimes, we don't even feel we want it back because it's so foreign to us by that point and we struggle to recognize anything else in ourselves.

It often felt like a competition of sorts to try to win the affection and attention of a male, especially in a social setting, and it was my automatic default train of thought at the time, so I was hated by most other females more often than not, except for the few who wished to join in, and never had a chance to have close friendships with anyone coming from a healthier mindset than those who were more than okay continuing to use me in that manner. When you're hell bent on seduction, only those you're trying to seduce wish to hang around, it seems. Old "friends" used to place bets when we'd go to parties to see who all I'd sleep with by the end of the night.

I also remember getting most of my how-to tips regarding sex from porn movies/magazines/erotic literature and such. I never had a gentle kind lover, only fetish-fueled aggressive ones. And I was all about fueling the fires. If they didn't get into fetishes before they met me, I worked hard at introducing them. I thought you HAD to create the same noises, positions, fetishes, etc. to keep them happy, or else you'd be viewed as less than desirable. All I did was manage to keep attracting more devastating scenarios for myself, both short and long term, as I quickly learned if I even hinted at the ideas of cuddling and romance, they'd run like hell. I had to either up my seduction game, or keep feeling the shame of not feeling wanted, otherwise. It's how I tried to bury the feelings, I suppose.

That never shifted until after I'd experienced what felt like a total break down in all areas of my life and I felt like I was suffocating under a big ol' pile of shame from all of my life decisions, so it's hard to point to one specific thing that helped. I guess that served as my much needed distraction from my current destructive choices.

I went for a long time after that not dating and feeling pretty disgusted with myself, as well as the male species. I swore them off until a couple years later, out of the blue, when I randomly met my now husband, who was able to unknowingly and unintentionally help me nurture myself back to the real me, not the one I'd been taught to be by those sick bastards from my childhood.

I also had to do a whole heck of a lot of talk therapy work to help me sort all that shit out in my brain, as I found it super hard to process how a man could not constantly want all the fetish-fueled stuff I'd been so deeply immersed in. I struggled for a while thinking my husband must not be all that attracted to me if he didn't wish to constantly try certain things...but it was just the opposite...he valued me and my presence more than he valued an orgasm. Woah...that was foreign as f*ck to me and really hard to process and accept.

Wishing you peace of mind and feelings of comfort as you sort your way through your own mind and experiences while figuring out your own value.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Tornadic Thoughts Wow I could really relate to a lot of your post especially the following quote..

It often felt like a competition of sorts to try to win the affection and attention of a male, especially in a social setting, and it was my automatic default train of thought at the time,

I'd been taught that was the guaranteed way to please them, bring them joy, keep them happy, to get what I needed and wanted, and to maintain a certain level of security regarding my surroundings, such as having a place to live, food to eat, etc.

Yes...this too :( I'm working on retraining my brain now but, it is hard when this is the way I have thought for soo long.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I lived with that mindset until well into my late thirties, @WishfulThinking123 . It's been an ongoing and incredibly difficult process. I just recently turned 50.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

So many people here have supported you in wonderful ways. You are admitting it so welcome to a new awareness. I was like you too. Lots of self hate, bad choices and tons of shame, guilt and self blame. I put all of the focus on me for having something wrong with me and I still carry some of that old shame in how desperate I had become in seeking any crumb of affection and acceptance. I did not yet know that I had been groomed to be the perfect victim by my very sadistic and abusive parents and some of my abusers I met later on. I was drugged and date raped on my first sexual encounter with a so called boyfriend and it went down hill for me from there. So I thought that I had value being a sexual person and bought into the sexual revolution which I now realize is a crock of shit.

I think that you are no different than me in this low self worth you are experiencing. BUT you are not stuck or imprisoned in this state. I know that as you begin to count off all of the lies forced upon you by all of your abusers, you will have more awareness and knowledge and anger at being so used in such horrible ways.

I think that you have the same chance as me to get yourself back. You were so innocent as a child and I too am very naive in a lot of things not just sex. I have always hated this part of myself until I began to understand the underlying truths about me.

You do not deserve to be used so badly. You have such value as the person you are now. You are so worth fighting for. You can begin this climb out of the hell you are in. You have plenty of support here of so many people that really care about you. There is no conspiracy against you here that people are getting together to lie to you about what a wonderful person you are with so many gifts and talents.

You can do this and it is going to take a lot of baby steps, a lot of support, and a new way of looking at yourself which is sadly going to take time. It can get so much better for you. If it happened for me, it can surely happen for you.

Please think about this okay. You are so much better than your abusers all of them. There are some really good people out in the world. I did not use to believe this even. But it is true and I am not lying. You can make it better for you, where you will not be so buried under abuse and lies forced upon you over the span of your lifetime. Take heart, you can have it better for you> you are not stuck like this for the rest of your life. Lots of people here really care about you and you have made a difference being yourself. I am not making this shit up. It is true.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

Me toooo

Me three