Really hurting today

[hopetha2]

I am disconnected today from my adult self...I have a severe childhood trauma history that causes me to disassociate often reacting to various triggers. I have been working hard after I was finally diagnosed 10 years ago; that being said, today is really hard. I have been in a safe relationship now with my husband of 12 years, and that safety has created a place for me to do the work of healing. Coping skills I have are not too great as in last night got into the food and today, one of my parts blending so heavily right now beating me up for doing it. It comes from so much pain and today I really feel it. I have to work tonight. I was hoping that by sharing, I could alleviate some of this pressure and get grounded to start my day. I need to be the adult now and get back on track. A sense of hurting is something very personal to every individual..I myself cannot put words to describe it. I hope I can come here to find support and comfort.

 

[Muttly]

I'm sorry. I understand what you are going through. I am in a similar place.

Does it help at all to focus on the positive coping skills you do have?

 

[hopetha2]

Thank you. It's hard to do anything while I am in this blended state. I go through the motions and I had to force myself to take a shower and get ready for work. I am a custodian and I work alone because of the severity of my condition. It's like you're 'here' on some level, but really 'back there' when it feels like it just happened yesterday. Usually when it's this bad, I have to just be patient and sleep to wake up with a fresh perspective. I NEED to develop more coping skills....that's good advice.

 

[ChildofGod]

I am sorry to hear that. I don't think I have any sound advice, I do support you and I hope that you find some comfort/relief soon. I am glad you are asking for help/advice. That's very brave to me.

Hoping someone has better advice than I.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I am disconnected today from my adult self...I have a severe childhood trauma history that causes me to disassociate often reacting to various triggers. I have been working hard after I was finally diagnosed 10 years ago; that being said, today is really hard. I have been in a safe relationship now with my husband of 12 years, and that safety has created a place for me to do the work of healing. Coping skills I have are not too great as in last night got into the food and today, one of my parts blending so heavily right now beating me up for doing it. It comes from so much pain and today I really feel it. I have to work tonight. I was hoping that by sharing, I could alleviate some of this pressure and get grounded to start my day. I need to be the adult now and get back on track. A sense of hurting is something very personal to every individual..I myself cannot put words to describe it. I hope I can come here to find support and comfort.

For future reference, I get a box of fruit popsicles, 25 calories each, flick on a show for the younger insiders, redirecting their attention to new sensory input(taste, audio, visual), and watch a favorite positive rerun or movie with comfort items-the popsicles are really grounding and it is my child parts who respond. 1 box of 12 once a week won’t kill a diet either! 300 calories for a box- and I can drag them out 2 hrs. When time is an issue- popsicles in my case really help. I’ve heard others respond to cold as a grounding technique as well.

 

[Cypress]

The last time I had a day like yours, hurting and not even sure what year it was or what city I was in, I had to stand in line at the post office for almost an hour to mail off my taxes. While I was in line, I watched the people around me, young, old, speaking different languages, some impatient, some leaning on a cane and clearly in pain, and it just made me feel more connected to reality and I felt better.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but maybe just getting out and doing something with people around that doesn't need much interaction might help.

I like the popsicle idea too. I am going to try that.

Hope you are feeling better and made it to work Ok.

 

[hopetha2]

Coming back tonight, I so thank you for your compassionate advice. I totally get the popsicle thing; I have a big box of sugar free popsicles in my freezer...!! I hate to sound negative; I had a session today and really felt some intense pain and grief as "I' , a part of me, is really starting to understand that the abuse she went through was never about her or who she was at all. She was a baby, a toddler, molested, neglected and terrorized by people who were supposed to look out for her, and I guess to survive, not only did she emotionally split off, she internalized that it was her fault; that if she had behaved or had been better or someone else, none of it would've happened. Now, this morning, the realization that no matter what she did, she was never in control, and I felt it as one, me. The pain was side splitting and I am emotionally wiped out. I know that after a good night's sleep and some self care, I will pull through, but it was so nice to have feedback from others who understand..touched my heart. The good news? I and my husband have a little girl, a daughter who knows no grief or pain but lives as a free spirit, breaking the cycle and much loved. Thank you again and I feel that this is a space I can come and let it all hang out. Have a good night. H

 

[hopetha2]

Having a whirlwind day, feeling really old feelings from a younger part; the intensity is so painful. Managed to get through work this morning and came home and got involved in day to day chores, budgeting and ways to stay present. The hurt lingers, but I cannot eat on this, which I have a tendency to do at night. Have to just allow these feelings to be and get a good night's sleep. So glad to have a place to share where others have similar issues. I never thought I would find people who have disassociative issues. Would love to hear how other people cope and what works for healing purposes. I journal and meditate in the morning, but I don't want to continue to be afraid of being out in the world anymore. I always strive for a more meaningful course in my life. I never give up, it's just the road can be rocky. For now, just going with it and being here for these parts who feel such intense emotions.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Having a whirlwind day, feeling really old feelings from a younger part; the intensity is so painful. Managed to get through work this morning and came home and got involved in day to day chores, budgeting and ways to stay present. The hurt lingers, but I cannot eat on this, which I have a tendency to do at night. Have to just allow these feelings to be and get a good night's sleep. So glad to have a place to share where others have similar issues. I never thought I would find people who have disassociative issues. Would love to hear how other people cope and what works for healing purposes. I journal and meditate in the morning, but I don't want to continue to be afraid of being out in the world anymore. I always strive for a more meaningful course in my life. I never give up, it's just the road can be rocky. For now, just going with it and being here for these parts who feel such intense emotions.

A lot of people like to do art therapy. I like to take walks and go to the park.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Having a whirlwind day, feeling really old feelings from a younger part; the intensity is so painful. Managed to get through work this morning and came home and got involved in day to day chores, budgeting and ways to stay present. The hurt lingers, but I cannot eat on this, which I have a tendency to do at night. Have to just allow these feelings to be and get a good night's sleep. So glad to have a place to share where others have similar issues. I never thought I would find people who have disassociative issues. Would love to hear how other people cope and what works for healing purposes. I journal and meditate in the morning, but I don't want to continue to be afraid of being out in the world anymore. I always strive for a more meaningful course in my life. I never give up, it's just the road can be rocky. For now, just going with it and being here for these parts who feel such intense emotions.

Find something you really really enjoy or used to enjoy or always wanted to do that produces a positive result ( like some kind of art, sewing, rug making, pottery, basket making, scrapbooking, playing an instrument, photography, cooking) and take a class or find a group. Some people make and share meals-freezer meal groups. Some people meet for book clubs. Meet-ups ( which I can’t claim I’ve done)!, libraries (yes), local art centers(yes),all are looking for people to take classes. Local clubs are a good source. I found finding someone to share my interest gave me two things: 1) one or more people to talk to about something positive we had in common and 2) a distraction from real life drama and positive self reinforcement- a door to experiencing accomplishment, belonging and happiness.

I started with a drawing class-4 weeks long, and initially was very self- critical and nervous- but I liked it and wanted to do better, so I took another. The next one wasn’t scary like the first one.... The KNOWING reduced the fear and stressload. I decided I wanted to draw better- something I could work on at home, and go to private lessons or a class twice per month. Then I took art classes in other things- with a small group of people who were very positive and some of the same people came back. That was a good experience. Each positive connection led me to want to do more. There are local summer programs thru the dept of recreation, too.

I belong to a music group- learned to play an instrument late in life-but my goal was always to accomplish it ( get good enough) and be good enough to be a part of a group. I see those people now once a month at my home- and as we got to know each other and played together, we added a potluck dinner. Getting started with an interest and keeping connected is important to making it s lifelong practice. I can still remember never feeling confident at first with something new- so learning a new skill requires a level of self patience. So you might want to start with something you won’t be too hard on yourself that is familiar if you are learning/improving a strength. I know some people line dance- getting exercise, endorphin rush, and cardio all in one- and they liked dancing before.

I started most new interests working with only one person, then branching out to a couple of people who felt safe- and slowly the groups got bigger. Doing something you like will bring you satisfaction and a pay off will keep you going back and growing.

That’s how I got out of the house! Good luck!

 

[hopetha2]

Today has been difficult with a lot of intense painful feelings in my body; a heaviness, a sense of depression. I am finding out though that I have to walk through my debilitating fears of the world and do it anyway. Tonight was a small victory. Instead of finding a place to pray and meditate before work, I took myself and my parts with their fearful feelings and went straight to work, talked to some people and made it through the night successfully. I have to do this more and more often to show these traumatized parts that the world now, our world, is different. They are 'not back there' but here, with me and..I am the adult. It's challenging but I need to do this for myself. Glad to be home now and be at peace knowing that I had a success.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Way to Go! Hang on to that positive feeling!