Really Stressed About My Therapy

[Sweethellishlove]

I called some other therapist but all were booked on patients with my insurance, so I ended up calling my T again she was free when I called so I talked to her for a bit. I think she thought I was mentally further along then she thought, I have a tendency for people to think I'm really well put together because in sessions I'm really well spoken I seem not phased by much.

I have a very big brick wall around me and I really think maybe I fooled her a bit. She said to put my assignment completely out of my head she doesn't want me to think of my trauma at all and we will focus on coping skills so I will give her another go see if it works out.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It's normal for those of us with a lot of childhood trauma to have such effective numbing/dissociation skills that our therapists are unable to discern how well we are actually coping. Good for you for telling her what is going on.

Part of the process to healing is really having our emotions fully experienced and acknowledged. That does mean we learn to no longer stuff our emotions or numb out, but to our loved ones, our unusual expressiveness is disconcerting and often frightening.

By having a lot of crying, needing comfort, feelings of exhaustion and needing quiet, it can seem like a 'break down.' Unless it severely diminishes our ability to care for ourselves, it's more of an "unmelting" of the traumatic feelings from the past that weren't safe to allow through.

You get to decide the pacing. Pacing is safety, and it's ok to be firm in your desires about it. A good therapist will be glad to slow down and let you express what is working, what is not, etc. It's your time and you get to spend it how you wish.

 

[macca]

@Sweethellishlove You did great to tell her that - it sounds like it might work out better now.

 

[Jane.l]

Well done you - I think I gave my T the impression I was coping well too on our first meeting - I talked in a very detached unemotional way and i think he thought I was pretty together - it wasn't until the trust started to come that I let him see what was really going on.

I am doing the exact therapy homework that you described and I have been with my T for a year - I am having a really hard time with it - I haven't been able to look at it today it was taking me to a really dark place yesterday and I know I need to stop for a moment to keep myself safe. I self harm too and find this kind of work can really trigger it if I am in the wrong headspace . I am having sessions twice a week to try and help me do this and stay stable but it's like a living freaking nightmare . I understand the theory and I am sure it works but god it's hellish .

And that's a year in ! No wonder you are getting so effected - well done for speaking up and saying - I think I might have just run away and never gone back