Really struggling

[whiteraven]

I work in a place that has no regard for its employees' welfare, that doesn't care if we work in a mold-filled environment, that doesn't care if people have potentially dangerous reactions to the cleaning chemicals used, and that treats most (I say most, because there are that special few) with utter disregard.

I go to the bathroom several times a day to cry. I leave in tears. I wake in tears because I know I have to be there. I've tried so many times to help facilitate change, but nobody is interested in what I have to say. Nobody cares how procedures are affecting us.

I am in a lot of physical pain. Nothing anybody can do about that, either. Combine the emotional with the physical, and I am barely functioning. I can't call in sick, at least not today, because we are already short and they rely on me to answer all the questions. I have become impatient, unable to hear even the most carefully phrased question, and every day I just want to die.

Top that off with a generally absent therapist. He filled my time with someone else last week, was out the two weeks prior to that, and will be out again a couple times over the next month. (That's unusual, but the way it happened was completely without thought to how it might affect me). And he's strongly encouraged emailing in the past, and always used to respond even just minimally, but now he never responds.

Not looking for answers, but just a place to unload.

 

[Freida]

I'm sorry you are struggling -- that sucks...

 

[whiteraven]

Thanks, @Freida.

Today was more of the same. Difference is that tonight I'm sitting here, unable to stop crying, knife in hand. I never do anything much, but cutting helps me feel more in control.

I'm feeling completely out-of-control these days. The stress at work is intense and I'm not managing it like I "should." One of my friends there - although I don't know that she'd characterize us that way - got on me about being "grumpy" yesterday. And I was. But she has very little room to talk. I'm tired of always having to be like everybody thinks I should be. Tired of feeling like I have to pretend, like how I feel doesn't matter or count.

I don't fit in this world. Never have and never going to.

 

[LuckiLee]

Well, you fit in here. Please don't hurt yourself. We're here for you. XO

 

[whiteraven]

Well, you fit in here. Please don't hurt yourself. We're here for you. XO

Aw...thank you @LuckiLee. I think I needed to hear that this evening.

 

[Freida]

@LuckiLee is right --
I think of this place as The Island of Misfit Toys -- we may not fit in anywhere else -- but we fit here quite nicely.

Tired of feeling like I have to pretend, like how I feel doesn't matter or count.

So how about not pretending? Now, I haven't figured out how to do that yet but I know it is something I'm supposed to be working on. People can't help if they don't know how you feel......

 

[whiteraven]

So how about not pretending? Now, I haven't figured out how to do that yet but I know it is something I'm supposed to be working on. People can't help if they don't know how you feel......

Actually I do a pretty good job of not pretending. That's why I have such a hard time. Anger, sadness, you name it, it's right out there for everyone to see. Well more anger than sadness I guess. But everyone expects me to keep quiet, to always put on a happy face. I went through years and years like that and I'm ready to just feel how I feel and be how I am.

 

[Freida]

I'm ready to just feel how I feel and be how I am.

And you deserve to be yourself - without any masks or facades or pretending. And if people get upset it? That's on them - not you.

 

[whiteraven]

And you deserve to be yourself - without any masks or facades or pretending. And if people get upset it...

I agree with that. Unfortunately, being myself is likely to cost me my job.

Of course, I'm almost beyond caring at this point. It just doesn't matter anymore.

 

[Still Standing]

Hey white raven, I have said many times and on this forum, also, that I was born unwanted and am going to die unwanted. But, it is my way of hating myself, too. I know this is a false statement, though I believe it at times. When my world crashes about me, this view enlarges and supports my own hurting self view. But, it really is a lie. I do have some who want me around. I may not want them around, at the time, but they are there. I am sure you are very much wanted in some area of your life with some who know you and love you, too. It is easier to beat ourselves up if we dismiss any view that would counter these thoughts. I hope your world stops spinning and slows to a point where you can breathe and regroup soon. That struggle to want to be heard is insidious. Family, at least my family, has had their fingers in their ears for years. No one wants to listen. After all these years, it is my therapist who listens and this is a good thing. I finally have a voice. I cannot force myself or my voice into the ears of those who do not want to listen and this includes my family. It hurts but it is the way it is. You know you have a voice to be heard, here. You are a viable, caring, emotional person like everyone else. You are wanted. You are needed. Like me and many others, the deprecating lie sometimes overwhelms us.