Recently Diagnosed With PTSD, Now My Head's A Real Mess

[Deleted member 5760]

In relation to exposure therapy - my personal opinion is that, yeah, the small things matter. I don't want to be exposed to my major trauma again. I don't miss that. What I miss are the small things. Top of my list is -
*go dancing at a nightclub and don't worry if someone watches you. Take it as a compliment (oh my god).

That to me is exposure therapy. And it means the world to me because it means being able to do something I genuinely miss.

 

[femaleveteran]

top of my list as far as everyday life and what I would like to accomplish with exposure therapy is to be able to drive down the road and not be terrified of almost everything

 

[glasgow]

Hey freakofnurture, those messages you keep hearing about your worthlessness and un -deservedness of dignity respect and love have been learned over your childhood, and as such can be unlearned. They are part of the super ego or parental tapes that we hear all hear over and over again even without PTSD. They can be replaced. I still struggle with them, but when they become overwhelming I check my reality with someone I love and who cares for me, and I trust to tell me the truth.
I'm afraid I am no good at the movies, I get restless, scared witless that something unexpected might happen, and worry that some cruelty to children or animals will set me off. I do watch occasional children's movies.
Groups can be wonderful evolving entities. They grow through stages known as joining, storming, performing and adjoining. In an open group the storming can seemingly go on for ever!
A well facilitated and focused group can be enormously useful, because in a controlled way we will each act out our roles in our families and receive constructive feedback about it.

 

[femaleveteran]

Hey Glasgow are you in Glasgow? I think I mentioned in another thread or maybe in this one that my Father was from Edinburgh. I still have cousins over there and I was thinking that maybe when I get some of my anxiety under a little better control I might go to Scotland for an extended period of time and visit with my family there.

Anyway I like what you have to say and I think you are exactly right about messages getting learned over and over through childhood, but how do we unlearn those messages? I mean I learned alot of bad messsages through childhood just like freakofnurture but mine were masked behind some sort of good facade....I was given the message that if I was perfect then I would get love. So I literally tried to be perfect in everything I ever did.

I am sure I fell short especially in my military career since I was stupid enough to get hit by an IED (after all my training I should have known better) .

However, I went from a home life where I could be as perfect as possible and there was always something more wanted of me in to a military career where perfection was a virtue and rewarded until you made one little mistake and then you had to start all over at square one. So the learning I recieved in childhood was reinforced by a career I did truly love.

Now I am a nobody pretty much. I am Josephine Civilian and no body cares about anything I have done over the last 15-20 years of my life. I came home after being gone from this area for 15 years and I know no body here and nobody knows me. They know my mom killed herself about a year before I got home and they know I was in Iraq but sometimes I feel like they are waiting to hear that I am going to do the same thing as she did. I feel like I am doomed by everyone else's preconcieved notions of who I am supposed to be and it has not left me any room to figure out who I am for myself. I do not know if freakofnurture feels the same way or not but that is the only way I know how to explain how I feel alot of times.

I just wish I could unlearn what everyone from my past forced me to learn and I wish I could learn the things I would like to learn...if only I knew what those things were....

I am sorry... I feel like I am rambling but I just had a lot of thoughts about what you wrote to freakofburture about the whole messages from childhood thing. I am sorry freakofnurture if you feel like I hijacked your thread here...but you too have given me a lot to think about, and I wish I had somethign wise and sage to say to you to help you out but I am sort of new to this and only recently diagnosed with PTSD myself so I am still trying to learn and I still have a lot of questions and doubts, etc....myself.

But thanks for letting me talk a little bit in the midst of your thread. And thanks for starting the thread as you have given me a lot to think about to as I already said.

Dawn

 

[Iron_Angel]

I am sure I fell short especially in my military career since I was stupid enough to get hit by an IED (after all my training I should have known better).

I strongly object to you thinking that you could have avoided that IED, femaleveteran! It is no different from any of us being hit by a bus we didn't see coming. Sure, we've had the training, and we're watching out for dangers, but sometimes, no matter what we do, WHAM! Stuff just happens.

I have read your posts and you are a smart, capable lady with a lot to offer. I'm sorry your career has been ruined by this accident. The IED should not have been there in the first place, so that is certainly not your fault.

I know a symptom of PTSD is that we think we played some part in it, or are somehow to blame for what happened to us. That is one of the LIES that this disorder likes to tell us. Just as we heard LIES from important people in our lives, that we now replay over and over and over when we are not feeling 100%.

The way to combat those lies? (And I like that word combat here because it is a battle for sure.) We start telling ourselves the TRUTH about us. And we let others tell us the TRUTHs that they see about us. Some people use daily affirmations and that can work too. Tell yourself every day, over and over and over again, "I don't have to be perfect to be loved." "I am smart at a lot of things." "I am a good friend to others." Whatever you need to overcome.

Put a little sign up in a few places where you can see it that lists your wonderful qualities, or phrases that are positive about yourself. That "motivational b.s." as some people call it has been mocked in film and TV, but who cares?

If it's stupid, but it works, it's not stupid. (Maybe you heard that during your military career, I certainly did in mine.)

Unlearning those negative messages is all about reshaping your thinking -- finding a new method of thinking about things as Anthony says above. When you hear that message "I have to be perfect to be loved", surely your mind can pop up the very popular saying "Nobody's perfect." Those two thoughts are incompatible -- if nobody's perfect and you have to be perfect to be loved, then nobody would be loved. And since some people are clearly well-loved, despite being imperfect, then it holds true that you don't have to be perfect to be loved.

When we're kids, or in a vulnerable state, we often hear messages that are untrue but our mind holds onto them, for whatever reason. In psychology that's called the "sleeper effect". That (wrong) message from a source we think we should listen to becomes very persuasive, and it gets a foothold in our brains, coming up again and again when really we should just ignore it.

Like a bad weed in our mental garden we have to root it out. Replace it with a positive message instead (find the opposite message) or acknowledge that the source (if you know it) didn't know what they were talking about.

As is true with many aspects of PTSD, being able to identify it is the first step to managing it. Be alert for those negative messages -- maybe make a list of them so you can recognize them -- and then systematically eliminate them by replacing or reshaping them.

One of mine: "You're too hard to get along with."
Source: My mother loved to tell me that. Maybe I just didn't get along with HER.
My replacement: "I'm an easygoing person everyone likes."
My re-shape: "I may be hard to get along with sometimes, but that's because I cannot tolerate fools." (Take THAT, Ma!)

 

[blueangel371115]

Now I am a nobody pretty much. I am Josephine Civilian and no body cares about anything I have done over the last 15-20 years of my life. I came home after being gone from this area for 15 years and I know no body here and nobody knows me. They know my mom killed herself about a year before I got home and they know I was in Iraq but sometimes I feel like they are waiting to hear that I am going to do the same thing as she did. I feel like I am doomed by everyone else's preconcieved notions of who I am supposed to be and it has not left me any room to figure out who I am for myself. I do not know if freakofnurture feels the same way or not but that is the only way I know how to explain how I feel alot of times.

I just wish I could unlearn what everyone from my past forced me to learn and I wish I could learn the things I would like to learn...if only I knew what those things were....

I am sorry... I feel like I am rambling but I just had a lot of thoughts about what you wrote to freakofburture about the whole messages from childhood thing. I am sorry freakofnurture if you feel like I hijacked your thread here...but you too have given me a lot to think about, and I wish I had somethign wise and sage to say to you to help you out but I am sort of new to this and only recently diagnosed with PTSD myself so I am still trying to learn and I still have a lot of questions and doubts, etc....myself.

But thanks for letting me talk a little bit in the midst of your thread. And thanks for starting the thread as you have given me a lot to think about to as I already said.

Dawn

I understand how you feel, believe me. But I'm learning people do pay attention and do care. But not in a judgemental way. That may not be what you were trying to convey. Maybe you were trying to say that people don't harass you but anyway. I've been reading your posts lately and, though we don't know each other from atom, I do care. I've been where you are. Still am some of the time. Sometimes I think I'm pretty flexible as I'm a pro at kicking my own butt. All can say is, hang in there. People do care.

 

[anthony]

Dawn, you're doing well... keep reading please.

I am sure I fell short especially in my military career since I was stupid enough to get hit by an IED (after all my training I should have known better) .

One veteran to another, stop being irrational please. We both know our training does not allow us to avoid conflict or incidents, but it prepares us for them, to expect them, and if we aren't injured or killed within them, we fight our way out of them / respond to save others who have been injured.

That is what military training is about. It doesn't teach us how to avoid disaster, it teaches us how to eliminate some risks, with a huge exclamation mark, at the same time we must expose ourselves to heightened risks in order to perform our job. You performed your job... you did it successfully actually, because you are alive. War is not just about skill, but an absolute crap load of luck.

Always remember and apply to any type of negative thinking about war events; our training helps us minimize risk, it does not remove risk altogether. Big difference between those two aspects!

Now I am a nobody pretty much. I am Josephine Civilian and no body cares about anything I have done over the last 15-20 years of my life.

How did you derive this self accepted statement?

Now I am going to shoot your statement to shit... please outline one name of someone who you served with, who relied upon you, as well as you relying upon them, in order to get through war?

I'm actually sure you can name more than one, so therefore, the "nobody" statement is incorrect and there are people who actually do care about what you have done over your career. Yes / No?

I came home after being gone from this area for 15 years and I know no body here and nobody knows me.

So you mentioned the problem, what about solutions. Is it reasonable that people know you after 15 years of not living somewhere? Is it also not reasonable that others lives go on, just as yours did, during this time you have been away? They move, they get married, etc... just like you got posted, met new people constantly, went to new locations, help others in war zones, etc.

What are the solutions for you meeting new people?

They know my mom killed herself about a year before I got home and they know I was in Iraq

This is a counter to your previous, that nobody knows you. You are mentioning people as "they" know you went to Iraq. So some people do remember you slightly... yes / no?

but sometimes I feel like they are waiting to hear that I am going to do the same thing as she did.

Have you asked them so you can confirm or deny this feeling?

I feel like I am doomed by everyone else's preconcieved notions of who I am supposed to be and it has not left me any room to figure out who I am for myself.

So... who exactly has preconceived these notions about you and what are they?

I just wish I could unlearn what everyone from my past forced me to learn and I wish I could learn the things I would like to learn...if only I knew what those things were....

Who forced you to learn things that you did not want to learn?

 

[femaleveteran]

ok ok....I see what you are saying. I did not have to learn anything I did not want to. Mostly when I made that particular statement I was thinking about what someone said earlier in this thread about how we get these "messages" from childhood on up and sometimes I guess they are not the right messages. I think I got soem wrong messages growing up and I wish I could unlearn them. I am just trying to figure out how to do so.

As for people not knowing me, I know that is at least partly my fault. I have been home a year and two months and I have not made any headway to get to know many people around me. I know a few people in as far as if I see them out I say hello and they say hello and that is it. However I have not invited a signle person to my home and I have not even sent so much as a Christmas card out to anyone, not even family, except for one of my cousins, in more than 8 years. I know that because the last time I sent a card was the Christmas before my first deployment to Iraq. So, i do not blame anyone per se for not knowing me. I just feel sometimes like I have lost that ability to allow people to get to know me, or maybe it is that I have lost that desire to get to know other people. Attachments seem to be very painful for me anymore and I do not know why because I used to really enjoy people, getting to know them and I liked all kinds of people...all shapes sizes etc...know what I mean? Now however it is almost as if I am so lonely I cannot stand it but at the same time I do not want to take that step to end that loneliness.....maybe it is fear, maybe it is anger (at what I am not sure but sometimes I just feel angry at people in general...maybe it is that I am jealous because they all seem so normal compared to how I feel inside...i do not know if that makes sense or not).

As for whether or not people expect me to lose it like my mother did no,, I have not asked them. i guess maybe I am a little paranoid and I maybe project a little bit. Maybe because I feel guilty about what she did and I feel like somehow I am responsible for it. So maybe I tend to think other people hold me accountable or think I am just as sick as she must have been to do what she did. When in fact, I hold myself in contempt for allowing her to go unchecked for so many years. I thought if I just provided the things she needed to be comfortable then everything would be okay. obviously I was wrong. Cannot do anything about that now though.

As for whether or not people care about what I did in my career, yes again, I am sure you are right. I guess it is my own feelings, AGAIN, of inadequacy that makes me question whether anything i have ever done actually matters in the least. I can say all day long that I helped people and got people through rough times especially in Iraq but it is a hard thing to believe right now. And I guess that is really the bottom line. I want to BELIEVE that what i tell myself is true. I do not want to live life as a fake person just telling my own self what I want to hear. I want to believe that I am good, that my life is valid and that my existence on this planet has purpose. Until I believe it, I can tell myself all day and it don't mean nothing.

 

[Iron_Angel]

... I have not invited a single person to my home and I have not even sent so much as a Christmas card out to anyone, not even family, except for one of my cousins, in more than 8 years.

I haven't either, and I don't see that as a negative.

My home is my sanctuary, it's the one place I can feel safe because I control all the variables within it (well, most of them anyway).

From what you've told us, I see you as a capable, interesting, and committed human being who did what she had to do, even though it cost her. I appreciate it, and I'm grateful for you. Your posts have helped me a lot, too.

Some of what you've mentioned as things you think you should do are really just choices. It's up to you to do them or not, as you see fit. You can start with baby steps, just ease yourself into situations you want to change. Nobody said you have to jump into the deep end; just put a toe in the water first, then wade in as you feel comfortable.

And if you don't believe you're an awesome person, just stop by here from time to time. There's many of us who DO believe that, and will be happy to tell you.

Hugs!!

 

[anthony]

I want to BELIEVE that what i tell myself is true. I do not want to live life as a fake person just telling my own self what I want to hear. I want to believe that I am good, that my life is valid and that my existence on this planet has purpose. Until I believe it, I can tell myself all day and it don't mean nothing.

You believe through repetition, you believe through doing, you believe through enforcing the theory through practice. As a solider, you actually have an ideal headstart compared to civilians, because you have training that works on this exact principle.

Take any part of military training that you had no real idea about. Someone taught you how to do it. They gave you the theory, they gave you the practical, you then put both into action by doing it to an expected acceptable level. You didn't know it before, but you trusted the person teaching you knew what they where doing.

Now, take the same methods that are actually engrained within you due to military training, except turn them on yourself. A negative is as good as not knowing something, because its destructive / counter productive. So identify the positive method, invoke the change. Learn the new method, repeat it over and over, put it into action to reinforce it, which allows your brain to move the existing negative as a memory, and the new method you taught yourself as the current positive application of your life, as you see your life, as you want to be.

We both know fear is real, however; is what you now fear actually warrant being fearful enough that you cannot prove to yourself that you are capable of doing vs. hiding and allowing the fear to beat you? It is normal to fear running towards bullets and rockets. It is normal to have some apprehension (fear) towards starting a new job, leaving an existing job, trying new things, etc. All very normal, with or without PTSD.

Military training is the best in the world for self esteem building... you have that training, now use it for more positive benefits vs. what the military gave it to us for, being war. Same skills are taught to do good, just modified.

Your feelings are extremely valid, however; if your feelings are negative, if they are dwelling, if they over-exaggerate, if they focus on negatives only, then whist valid, they are destructive.

Guilt... very real, very powerful, very destructive. Your mother killed herself, however; nobody, and I do mean, nobody, can stop someone killing themselves if that is what they truly want to achieve. You are not responsible for your mother killing herself; your mother is responsible for killing herself. The burden of her act lay 100% on her decision to perform that act, not you, not another in the family, not the neighbour, nobody else. The atrocities in life that occur are vast, yet we all hold responsibility for our actions. Whilst there may be precursors to her act of killing herself, she chose to do it, you did not. You have zero blame in such a thing.

 

[glasgow]

Female Veteran, I also seem to have wandered in to blue's thread oops. I'd better read how to do this!
Your combat buddies appear to have a real handle on the issues for veterans with PTSD, ans very good advice to offer. I think it was Anthony who said 'there is no such thing as perfection'. The messages you hear are irrational and actually belong to the person who gave you them in the first place, who heard them from her mother etc. which was really conditional love and not acceptable between mother and child. You could never be 'good enough'.
I heard today something of interest which I am going to adopt and see what happens.
What I heard was that all 'disorders' of the mind are bullies, because they make you do things you don't want to do.
I thought the statement to be a neat little mantra to play in my head.
I am Scottish but in Australia now. My family was also from' Auld Reekie' otherwise known as Edinburgh.

 

[freakofnurture]

..., those messages you keep hearing about your worthlessness ... can be replaced. ... I check my reality with someone I love and who cares for me, and I trust to tell me the truth.

That's a good idea right there. I'll try that. Just being held by my husband already does a lot for me; if I can trick him into saying nice things about me... He's a bit reluctant, there because he doesn't get yet that I desperately need lots of displays of affection and that it will not make me arrogant or self-indulgent if he compliments me a bit more.

I'm afraid I am no good at the movies, I get restless, scared witless that something unexpected might happen

Hehe, I can empathise with that. I do enjoy movies a lot more when I know in advance what will happen. I'm not a fan of children's movies, though, and romantic comedies trigger me like hell with all that light hearted love sh*t. I need stuff on the level of Donnie Darko, Moon and Blade Runner. And zombie movies usually cheer me up.

Groups can be wonderful evolving entities. They grow through stages known as joining, storming, performing and adjoining.

That's exactly what scares me about them. There are these unconscious rules and everybody modifies their behaviour accordingly. It's like a group is a mind control mechanism that impedes your ability to be yourself and brings out the in-group-member in you. It's so creepy! And when I manage to stay conscious of these mechanisms and don't follow them, I'm immediately punished for it by the most norm adherent member of the hive mind.

A well facilitated and focused group can be enormously useful, because in a controlled way we will each act out our roles in our families and receive constructive feedback about it.

That's creepy, too. I don't believe in free will, but I believe in responsibility, and if we're unconscious of our real motives we can't act responsibly.

I feel like I am doomed by everyone else's preconcieved notions of who I am supposed to be and it has not left me any room to figure out who I am for myself. I do not know if freakofnurture feels the same way or not but that is the only way I know how to explain how I feel alot of times.

It's good to hear you say that; that you want to find out who you are for yourself. It was on my fingertips to ask that question in a reply to you.
I fear to ask this question myself. Who am I really? I've got a little blog with the subtitle "What's me, what's scars?"
I know that my negativity is pathological, but I need it to distance myself from other people, and I need that distance because I feel other people are dangerous. The cat kind of bites its own tail there. If I could get rid of the fear that my elders taught me I wouldn't need the distance so much and wouldn't miss it.
Still the negativity permeates so much of my personality, I fear there's only some scattered bits left once I remove it. Maybe all this fear and hatred isn't really me, but if I replace it with something else, how would I know if this is me, really, and not just the replacement-me that I chose because I liked the colour?
Are there parts of me burned off? Are they there and just poisoned? Are they distorted and just need braces to get back into working order?
I don't know if I want to know.

I am sorry freakofnurture if you feel like I hijacked your thread here...

It's okay. I'm happy if you have good thoughts here, and your posts, as well as the replies to them, get me thinking, too. Keep writing here if you like, I welcome the productivity of it all :)

Lots of stuff.

Damn, you're good... It's a good reminder for myself to keep asking these questions, be skeptical of my own interpretation of things, to not assume what others think but to ask them and so on.
I got some questions, but I'll procrastinate posting them (and reading/replying to the other posts) by going to sleep now. It's 3am here and I'm fffff...very tired.