Briellewannabe
Bronze Member
The past few months have been so crazy and hard. It started a couple months ago when my boyfriend read the Glass Castle on my recommendation--it reminds me of my childhood. We talked about it and then saw the movie together. I started thinking about my childhood a lot more and have become increasingly obsessed. I called all my siblings to ask them about their first memory, and memories in general of being young. I've gone through countless old photographs. I don't know quite what I'm searching for, but it feels like there's something I don't remember. Something not good.
I also started this odd habit of rubbing my fingers between fabrics non-stop. It's something I did as a kid but now it's compulsive. My fingers are blistered and bleeding and I still have to do it. I don't even want to shower because there's nothing for me to rub there.
And then there's the disassociation... I don't usually disassociate, there's only been a few, minor times when I have (or remember doing so). My T asked my about rubbing my fingers when I was a kid, like when I started, and that was the first time I disassociated recently. It wasn't too bad, but I started feeling scared and I didn't understand why. The feeling was strong, but not overpowering, however, that's changed. It's gotten worse. I disassociated in therapy again so badly, where I felt like I was a little kid and terrified--I didn't know where I was but it was pitch black and scary. My therapist said she was calling me, and even moved closer and touched me (I don't like to be touched) but that didn't work. I don't remember her doing that, I just remembering being scared. I don't know why. This has happened a couple times at home now as well.
It feels like if I don't rub something that the fear begins and I feel my world getting black. I've only been successful at stopping it by grounding myself once, with the help of my T.
I don't know what's going on but it's scaring me so much. I don't remember the last time I felt fear before these past few months - I always kinda felt invincible. I can't sleep because I can't stop rubbing my fingers with fabric, so I have to wait until I'm too exhausted and my body forces me to sleep. I've tried rubbing other things to help with the blisters, and it's working a little, but nothing seems to work with stopping the rubbing. Or the disassociations.
I don't know what to do. Any advise? I'm exhausted and I'm warding off the depression and suicidal thoughts as best I can, but it's feeling too much with no end in sight.
I also started this odd habit of rubbing my fingers between fabrics non-stop. It's something I did as a kid but now it's compulsive. My fingers are blistered and bleeding and I still have to do it. I don't even want to shower because there's nothing for me to rub there.
And then there's the disassociation... I don't usually disassociate, there's only been a few, minor times when I have (or remember doing so). My T asked my about rubbing my fingers when I was a kid, like when I started, and that was the first time I disassociated recently. It wasn't too bad, but I started feeling scared and I didn't understand why. The feeling was strong, but not overpowering, however, that's changed. It's gotten worse. I disassociated in therapy again so badly, where I felt like I was a little kid and terrified--I didn't know where I was but it was pitch black and scary. My therapist said she was calling me, and even moved closer and touched me (I don't like to be touched) but that didn't work. I don't remember her doing that, I just remembering being scared. I don't know why. This has happened a couple times at home now as well.
It feels like if I don't rub something that the fear begins and I feel my world getting black. I've only been successful at stopping it by grounding myself once, with the help of my T.
I don't know what's going on but it's scaring me so much. I don't remember the last time I felt fear before these past few months - I always kinda felt invincible. I can't sleep because I can't stop rubbing my fingers with fabric, so I have to wait until I'm too exhausted and my body forces me to sleep. I've tried rubbing other things to help with the blisters, and it's working a little, but nothing seems to work with stopping the rubbing. Or the disassociations.
I don't know what to do. Any advise? I'm exhausted and I'm warding off the depression and suicidal thoughts as best I can, but it's feeling too much with no end in sight.
