Reckless

[desiderata310]

I am usually much ... more.... discreet about where and how I self harm. The last couple of weeks have been extra difficult and I got reckless. Very reckless. As a result I have a really messed up left arm. It's been exceedingly warm which has worked to my advantage since that means that the offices have overcompensated and I've had the perfect excuse to wear a jacket at work. It covered everything I've done.

Today I was upstairs in a meeting with a rather... triggery figure that I have to work with. He's never SAID anything but he's noticed I'm not quite 'right'. We were talking about and making a funny comment about our boss and the stress level at work. I gestured with my hands over my head and the jacket rode up revealing my most recent session. They are red and very angry and ugly.

He saw them, laughed and pointed and half seriously said "you aren't cutting yourself, are you?"

oh god.

I think I died a thousand tiny deaths in those moments after that. There was one other lady in there that I had interviewed and hired not a month before. They both stared at me like I had things growing out of my head.

I thought quickly and talked about my sick cat and of trail running. Both are honestly things that would and could cause such injuries but didn't. I regailed them with the tale of trying to bathe my cat's behind (since he can't do it himself now) and that seemed to give my story enough creedance that they laughed and moved on.

I excused myself after that, went to the bathroom and threw up.

I really am an idiot.

I'm 42 years old and I can't even tell you why I HAD to cut the other day. I HAD to.
It was the only thing that made it even a little better.

 

[Mosaic]

This is one of those situations I hate.
It's very insensitive for a person to loudly point out your injuries in this way but unfortunately people who haven't been through it don't realise what they're doing when they voice something so personal.
It is probably going to be a bit more difficult for you being around that person now but your personal life is none of their business.
Hold your head high and remember that struggling does not make you weak and he has no right whatsoever to assume anything about you

 

[joeylittle]

I too have talked about my sick cat. As spring has come around, I've been suddenly extra-daunted by how to cover up my arms now. I've been relying on winter and layers and cold.

Last summer, I got through with very lightweight cardigans with long sleeves. I cut holes for my thumbs so they would stay down over my wrists. And it's easy for me to say that my wrists get cold, because I have a bit of arthritis. So all of that is true. I'm sorry you're experiencing this - I'm 42 and I feel the same way, exactly.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I wear a lab coat at work and one day I took it off to put on my jacket and the people around the lockers saw my slashes. One girl said 'shit Judy what happened to you?" I said I was clearing raspberry canes from my garden. They backed off. When will this end. I have long periods of time that I resist cutting only to find myself going at it. Always comes with anticipatory anxiety and how can I predict when that happens?

 

[Neverthesame]

I try to always keep a good excuse at the ready. Fortunately I work a job that often leaves me pretty scraped up all year round. So nobody really questions it. Being male probably helps to some extent as well.

Pretty shitty thing your co-worker said, even if he was joking it's still inappropriate for the workplace.

 

[desiderata310]

Told my therapist about this and he said "this is why we need to make sure you get better sleep."

well... yes... but... I think you missed the point of me telling you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@desiderata310 whats the connection to your sleep? What struck a chord with me was that you HAD to cut, that it was the only thing that made it a little better. I didn't interpret your post to mean you couldn't sleep, I just got what you meant that you HAD to do it. That its a compulsion to treat deep, deep distress for which there is no way out of the fire. Am I understanding you? Because I don't personally feel compelled to cut when I can't sleep. I mean insomnia comes with the distress and hopelessness, but a good nights sleep is no cure for the need to release tension. What do you think your therapist meant?

 

[Neverthesame]

Yeah that was a little strange. That read to me like "Hey doc, my foot is killing me." "I see. Let's put a cast on that hand."

I understand insomnia can make emotional issues harder to cope with. It generally isn't the cause. Do you feel comfortable elaborating on this a bit more?

 

[desiderata310]

It's isn't the cause of my cutting, no.

I pissed him off today because there had been a miscommunication. I did run out of sleeping pills and I needed him to call the dr so I could go back in and get a refill since the doc had only given me enough to make it a week with the understanding that my therapist was going to send me to a psychatrist to get meds.My therapist changed his mind and figured I would just get another refill at the Dr's office. I didn't go because I HATE going to that Dr and I feel like I had to practically BEG for those pills. I wasn't about to go back without my therapist calling ahead.
sigh...

I actually had to go back since I've been on such a roller coaster and look to see what the hell has been going on. I've been kind of living moment to moment for a while.

I had a bad... really bad bout of depression brought on by meds that was supposed to help me sleep but instead had the opposite effect. The meds made me feel suicidal, which led to cutting.

Getting off that med and on something that made me sleep coincided with my mood lifting a bit. The stress: good and bad (around the dog and work and and and...) had pulled me back down. I was not as bad as I had been but my mood went down fast and the cutting helped. And it helped fast. Even with the new sleeping meds I haven't been sleeping well but that's because of the nightmares.

jeeze. Now that I think back over the last three weeks or so I haven't really been all the way okish in a while.

so basically it was kind of a low blow to say that.

 

[Friday]

When in doubt, I blame Ninjas.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I wish you well. I'm no expert on NOT cutting, but I have to say that since I've been taking yoga and trying to narrow the arc of my emotional pendulum by reaching out for help and trying meditation, I haven't gone after my arms for awhile. Still trying to leave my foot alone, but ack! I catch myself when it's too late. Damn old habits :(