Reconciling with estranged family after apology

[Candleflames]

My story is a little complicated with several abusers and a seriously damaged family. The abuse spans generations. However most of my abuse was at the hands of my father who was beat by his mother. His mother was a cruel manipulative and controlling woman who also had a hand in creating some serious damage in most of my family. She was obsessed with maintaining the "perfect" appearance and that transferred down the generations. I'm the first to seek mental health services and break the cycle. Part of me being me is that I'm pretty open about my journey and in talking about therapy and my healing process my dad and stepmother apologized.

Fast forward to today, I'm working on rebuilding the connections with my stepmom and sisters anew as my dad passed recently. I don't feel the need to rehash and fix the past. They've shown remorse and I understand that they really were kids with no support playing house with real children. It's was hard for everyone and no one was in control of anything. I've accepted, forgiven, or whatever term you like and am hopeful for the future.

Has anyone else been able to do this successfully? What steps did you take? What caveats did you encounter? Words of wisdom? Commiseration?

 

[ms spock]

Guard your boundaries.
Do good self care.
Be wary of the internalised perpetrator that people may have internalised, and act out passively aggressive.
Don't have high expectations.
Have short, limited contact.
Don't have people come to stay and don't stay at their places.
Make sure you have decompression time.
Be mindful of your triggers.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

I think you need to set personal boundaries. I have forgiven my parents for my childhood... However if my mother is being nasty I tell her.. Stop it.
It's a difficult situation but well done you for having compassion and humanity.

 

[grit]

Your story sounds so similar to mine in some aspects that I am the only one who has gone to therapy and seeing the reality or the trauma...but there is always but...I am not close to my family and have been punished even more when I shared that I have CPTSD!

The fact your dad apologized before death must have given you some peace! I think do not talk too much about your trauma or recovery...they may be in denial or identification with him.
Try to see them short times until you can let your guards down.Do not read too much in to what they say, remember, they could be sleeping still.

You are lucky to get back with your family and i truly hope it works for the better.

 

[Gamera3000]

Agree strongly with the short limited contact.

And don’t expect behavior from anyone that they are not capable of. If someone does or says something unacceptable, stick to your boundaries. You can’t control their behavior, but you can control your own.

 

[Candleflames]

Thank you everyone! Tomorrow is the day I see my biological mother's sister for the first time in 13 years. I'll be there for a few hours. And will have backup and an early exit strategy.

 

[Abstract]

Good luck good luck. I truly hope she can be someone worthy of contact for you. I would just say stay mindful and aware and then trust your instincts. Let us know what happens.

 

[ms spock]

I hope that it goes as well as it can, and that you are okay afterwards.

And don't take them to your favourite holiday places or haunts - keep them out of your day to day life - just another suggestion!

 

[Candleflames]

I did it! Things went well. We talked a little about biomom but not much and biomom didn't show. I'm just now realizing how tense I was as the pain as now set in. In a Lyft going to my grandma's house who has always just accepted and loved me and lean on me is playing on the radio.

 

[Abstract]

Amaaaazing. So glad for you. Well done for how you approached it.

 

[Candleflames]

I'm back home now. It's amazing how well I held it together but back home in Seattle I collapsed in a sobbing heap. My poor husband, he picked up the pieces and held me till I could be whole again.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug:s to you if you accept them.