Recovery Trauma Diary

[DSkyler]

Day 11

I have been sharing more with trusted friends. I've spoken about having CPTSD, and have luckily been met with understanding. Total opposite from when I tried to explain about troubles to my family decades ago. That led to more damage in retrospect, hooping that I'd get validation and even remorse because I was damaged.

Fortunately I had some family closure with one serving member of my family. A much older cousin. She was able to concur about the awful strands of behaviors and abuse that ran through the generations. She was also able to provide some clarity on my father and his issues. He was a damaged boy in adult clothing. Some good parts, but mainly damaged, unaware. Emotionally stunted.

I've just bought a book. The CPTSD workbook. I am actually looking forward to working through it rather than feeling overwhelmed. A welcome change. Together with EMDR therapy, talking therapy, and some close friends and me remembering to switch on bilateral stimulation the moment I feel things going negative, I will over come this. I deserve to. I am glad we have met our deductible and have adequate insurance. That's never been the case before. After decades and decades of struggle, confusion and misfiring brain I deserve peace in my last few decades. I believe I am fixable. A huge shift from many core beliefs I've carried.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day12

Have been working through a workbook on C-PTSD by Arielle Schwarz. Struck by how everything seems to know me in that book. Reassuring and demoralizing in equal measure. It is helpful though. I can look at myself more objectively and see myself as someone who was damaged, that situations caused my damage and not me. I'm happy to at least have more tools to get out of the trappings of a fried brain.

It's no surprise that I worked in social care for many years, and also in therapeutic children's homes working with children in the care system from traumatic backgrounds. It was both rewarding and terrible in terms of each day at work was a plethora of triggers.

I can now look back and see the positive impact I had-I ended up starting and managing a brand new therapeutic unit prior to a breakdown- and for years I could only look back as a failure and how I hated it. But I had an impact as my intentions and energy were good and I worked hard. But a lot driven by unresolved CPTSD stuff.

Deep breath. Another day without feeling I may die or I have to run away from everything. Progress is progress.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 13

Biopsy results came back. Benign. All clear. Phew.

Relief all round. Second best bit was that when the email with the results came, my stomach started to flip and I could feel a massive panic attack coming. Thanks to recent EMDR changes I was able to head that off and semi-calmly read through the document and smile a big sigh of relief.

I’m actually grateful I needed the biopsy and that it triggered me as its made me delve into my CPTSD and sort it out finally this time.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 14

Good to wake up not feeling the stress of waiting on biopsy results. I slept better last night for sure.

My CPTSD workbook is both a blessing and tough read. Such variance in my mood and control of my nervous system, thoughts running wild, and also knowing it's linked to experiences that are no longer happening. It's slow work moving forward but at least I am moving forward. Everything in the book I can relate to and see all the problems as ones I encounter, some more than others.

The best thing is that instead of avoiding my PTSD, I'm pursuing it. I want to keep getting better and lessening the burden on my system that prevents life in the 'now'.

All my thoughts feel erroneous in that they do not calibrate with current experiences. What a mess up.

I wish I could have intensive EMDR sessions each day. But I know healing is a process and physiologically the nerves and synapses take time to bed in. Plus reprocessing brings a new reality which can be disorientating.

I'm glad I'm aware of how I used to abandon myself constantly. Not because I'm stupid but because of what happened. I didn't ask for such lack, such pain.

Keep on keeping on. Relax. Breathe. That kinda stuff.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 15

Felt like a step backward day but eneded up a step forward as I stopped berating myself for having minor setbacks amid the progress

 

[DSkyler]

Day 16 and 17

Been busy reading Tarot at a festival for two days. Again tomorrow. People have fascinating lives. I used to read more several years ago. It’s so much easier after having a lot of EMDR recently. No dissociating or freaking out something bad is going to happen.

Tired now. Did short readings for about 40 people!!

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 18

Funny how some parts of me function well and others so messed up. Keep on keeping on with my healing.

I did 110 short tarot readings in 3 days. Controlled dissociation sure helps with entering someone else's energy field and hyper-vigilance to peoples reactions give me all the clues I need for helpful accurate readings! I don’t have a psychic gift, I have C-PTSD.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 19 or 20?

If I don’t start my day with my neurotek bilateral stimulation the day stalls or is more difficult.

And I forget how ‘easy’ it is to lower my stress and center myself using it. The core belief that things have to be difficult overrides this self care and beneficial act. Uggh

Overwhelming how much my life is stuck on experiences that are no longer the reality. I must stop neglecting or deceiving myself. Constant healing actions and thoughts. For if they are not good for me, why do anything that isnt good or healing for me? No one is telling me or forcing me to do anything anymore.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 20

Woke up and immediately put on my device with the bilateral buzzers. Good start. I have to do this each day. And also stand up out of bed. If I stay down too long I think the incubator trauma takes over at both a powerful and subtle level that I dissociate and become lost in empty thought and not doing what I want to do.

I have an EMDR in person session with my good T today. I wish I could be doing more as it is so effective. Hopefully come September some more intensives can happen.

Gonna keep on healing and moving forward and not feel guilty about it and not sabotage it with behaviours that undermine the progress. That’s the plan anyway.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 21-22
Missed yesterday. No reason. Been recovering from UTI. My first ever one. Probably a result of delayed reaction to prostate biopsy. Infection was the biggest risk.

It’s been a weird three months. Physically I’ve felt fit and strong. I’m 56 and take care of myself. I’ve never had a long term illness or condition, hardly get colds or other infections, and get a mild headache about once a year. My main issues are occasional injuries and twinges associated with my age.

Yet this year I’ve had two biopsies.

Both came back benign, which is how I felt they would, and both were done as precautionary rather than great concern or symptoms.

Even though it’s been very stressful, I am grateful. Especially the prostate potential issue which turned out to be nothing. The other was a gum biopsy which was just nothing too.

But the panic triggered by all this alerted me to my unresolved CPTSD. And sent me back into therapy.

And unlike other periods of my life in my 20s and 30s, I have the resources and stability to see it through.

Relief all round. I still have a long way to go. But the years of struggle and on and off therapy and, well, painful struggle, have all paved the way for the progress I am able to make. And best of all, I wont abandon myself this time.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 23

Such a mess. The more I uncover the more I realize how damaged I am. How I retreated to fantasy land and have lead a false self life. Each bit of EMDR and self EMDR and other healing process reveals situations and memories. I think I suffered more random everyday threats and slaps, smacks, clips round the head etc than I can remember, especially as a smaller child.

I keep trying to tap into the power of that life that wants to live and has survived, but without the repression and fear. It's a tough balance.

I read people's stories here and I'm both inspired and sad. I no longer compare sufferings, but humans are a messed up bunch. Those who suffer passing on suffer and I feel lucky and brave enough to try and stop my cycle of pain and unhappiness.

Sometimes it feels too hard. The biggest difference in my approach to myself is that I don't feel that I can't be helped or that I am so damaged I can never recover. That is a huge change for me. Deep breath-it's over-the people who hurt or devalued me are gone-I do have agency and control-I don't have to repeat patterns or dissociate.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 24-25

Is it ok to feel positive? To feel like I've done so much work and therapy that I know the effects of CPTSD are receding, and although things are far from finished, I'm confident that after all these years I can find peace? Is this a survivor's guilt that is permeating and trying to hijack?

I believe I am getting better and I can continue to improve. Life is getting easier and energy that was once spent hiding and repressing has been freed up to live and relax. Is it ok to recover?

Of course it is. I've been living with this for 56 years. I deserve to reap the fruits of all the hard work and effort I have put in to mending my brain, mind, body and soul. None of the damage which was my doing.

I have a long way to go, but it is nothing compared to the distance I have already been.

D~