Sexual Assault Recreating The Trauma?

[cloudyskies]

I've been diagnosed with PTSD for just over a year now after being raped. While it's certainly had its ups and downs, things have definitely been improving since the beginning of the year. Except for this one new symptom. I was wondering if anyone else had any similar experiences. To preface this, I know this is really not safe and I'm very embarrassed about it. I'm just trying to understand it.

Several times now when I've either been partially dissociated or had something happen that made me feel really angry and disgusted with myself, I've had the urge to find someone anonymous who will hurt me sexually and make me feel worthless. Usually this means finding someone on craigslist, going to their place at 10PM+ by myself and with none of my friends knowing where I am, and turning my brain off to let him do whatever he wants.

I know this is dangerous. Every time I do this, there's a part of me that's flashing warning lights right and left, but there's an even strong part of me that overrides the fear and orders me to do this to myself and to use the experience to practice disappearing. I've been lucky that nothing too bad has happened. But it drives me nuts that I feel compelled to expose myself to such danger like this. Has anyone else experienced something similar?

 

[mary1979]

I've been here too :(

I was in a pretty unhealthy relationship at the time as well so I was cheating.

Worse than you, id allow these strangers into my home, or on a night out, I'd look for the meanest looking trouble maker in the bar.

To this day my worst behaviour when I'm in a bad state involves sex with strangers, though not as self destructively as it once was.


It is almost like you become addicted to the shame and self repulsion that you KNOW you're going to feel later.


Sending you much love , strength and sympathy.
I hope you will eventually think highly enough of yourself again to stop doing that.

X

 

[Seasounds]

I can understand your impulse, and mine came in different ways. I kept recreating the feelings of being raped by choosing partners that denied me the right to have physical or emotional boundaries, during conflicts.

It is great that you can describe an image, because it speaks to the feelings that many of us who have been raped have; shame, fear, depression, hopelessness, and self-rage. Those are the feelings that result from the message given to the person that is raped by the perpetrator.

The rapist's behavior says "Your needs don't matter," "Your life doesn't matter," and "You are a nothing." And as rape is an act of anger, it sends the message that, "You are to be despised." Additionally, our culture's response is so lacking in surrounding the person who was raped in a safe and loving community, so rape victims don't have to isolate, and process there dark emotions alone.

From having those meanings of rape placed on someone, it is natural for any person to try to either repeat the behavior to try to get rid of the feelings, because shame and self-rage are unbearable, and it can also be a call (out) for help; the repeated behavior is demonstrating to people what you are trying to process, and needing help to process it.

On a different note, if you were to look at your impulse as a dream image, a therapist might call it 'a waking dream', with a message that (as you have probably worked on this event a lot all ready), there is more work to do (i.e. processing even more of the feelings that you have from the event.)

In case it can be helpful, I think to share how, when I tried to push away traumatic events too fast, (since I was sure that I had processed it sufficiently and since I was ready to move on) nightmares, very similar to the event I had, would haunt me, until I opened up to working through the feelings again, and opened up to rebuilding my self-esteem. At some point, when I did enough work (needed to add more approaches than what I had been doing) the nightmares stopped.

If you want more ideas, that helped my images/impulses/dreams, just let me know. Many others in this forum will be 'here' for you too. :hug: Whatever your process, I send you love, for your journey.

 

[Casey_03]

I think many victims of sexual trauma have experienced this. In fact, I think this is pretty "normal" for anyone who has been raped or sexually abused, it just varies a bit depending on the individual. My personal opinion is that in addition to being a form of self-punishment, it's also a way to feel like you are in control. If you are raped, you lose the control you have over your own body in the most brutal of ways. Sex becomes sheer brutality -- you see and feel firsthand that there is no love or warmth in sex. It's just cold and animalistic and you, as the victim, are at the bottom of the food chain, and mostly helpless. So how does your subconscious mind fix that? It gives you back a sense of control by allowing you to be the predator, to be in control of the situation by setting up the dates and picking out the man. At least, that's how I see it, though I think it is incredibly complicated and it really does depend on the specific person and the specific trauma. And there's never one single reason for why someone does this, there's probably a dozen or so reasons for it. I used to do similar things just because I wanted oblivion. I didn't want loving sex with someone I knew, because a part of me never wanted to fall for the lie that love exists. So, to harden myself and turn myself into steel, I basically punished myself and tried to eradicate the very idea of love and warmth. I tried to make abuse and cruelty the norm in my mind, so that I wouldn't be hurt when cruelty inevitably struck again. That may be what you're doing here, at least partly.

 

[Friday]

I became super promiscuous after being raped.

People generally fall to one extreme or the other; sexually anorexic or sexually promiscuous, after rape.

For me it was all about replacing every bad memory with 1,000 good ones, control, & relearning both trust & self confidence. I was pretty damn lucky to be in an incredibly open sexual culture at the time, so there was very little risk in any of it. All about reclamation, rather than retraumatization.

 

[RussH]

So often when a person is raped they find a way to blame themselves for what happened. They can develop the mind-set that they somehow deserved it.

It is possible that some part of you is experiencing this, and you are trying to find a way to punish yourself by allowing these guys have their way with you.

 

[joeylittle]

but there's an even strong part of me that overrides the fear and orders me to do this to myself and to use the experience to practice disappearing.

Yes, I have had this problem too. And it took me awhile to figure out that I was doing it to reinforce my negative beliefs about myself. I really had myself convinced for awhile that it was actually a good thing, a kind of exposure therapy....nope.

You're not alone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've had the urge to find someone anonymous who will hurt me sexually and make me feel worthless. Usually this means finding someone on craigslist, going to their place at 10PM+ by myself and with none of my friends knowing where I am, and turning my brain off to let him do whatever he wants.

I do this ALL THE TIME! Actually i go further and do what was done to me, i cut inside myself, put rubbing alcohol to make it hurt and then go find someone to hurt me sexually.

I went to a neighbor who is a bit 'freakish' and did this and asked him to bring over all his friends...there were 10 guys total tnat made me do all sorts of things.

My therapist said "im sorry that you felt that horrible inside"...he had to pick my jaw off the floor.

As to stopping i dont have anything except there was one of the cult's rituals i was able able to stop, which this same neighbor helped to make it done in a worse way, but i changed it.

Dont really want to get into what it was, a lot on here already know but changing it when i wanted to do it brought out a shit load of intense emotions around it. When my therapist asked what they were i cant tell him except that its very intense pain that i havent been able to investigate yet. So i just keep doing it the changed way.

As for this, this i still do...

 

[Brenton]

I've been diagnosed with PTSD for just over a year now after being raped. While it's certainly had i...

I've done this with women, let them treat me like shit because the familiarity seems right. I don't understand where it comes from, but I too need to be hurt to feel something. I have a hard time being loved.

 

[Brenton]

I've been here too :(

I was in a pretty unhealthy relationship at the time as well so I was cheating....

I've done the sex with strangers thing, feeling like an object, and it feeling right. I now understand what it was, but I needed it at the time.

 

[Anniebananie]

I did this too, after being raped. I was 14, so on top of the rape, I was labeled a slut. For years, and really, to this day (I am 50) I disassociate during sex and become frighteningly attached. For me, it was like what Casey said, I was compelled to become a predator. It never even seemed like a decision, just a compulsion to pick up strange men at bars and have sex with them in their cars, in their apartments, on a dirty mattress on the floor, whatever. It's like the rape defined the rules of the game, and I wanted to be a winner. Unfortunately, that coping mechanism compounds the shame and self-hate, but turning the tables was the only way I knew how to survive.

Be gentle with yourself. Try to have compassion for yourself and what you've been through. You are not alone and you are lovable.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you replace the risky behavior with something less risky?

I'm not judging you one bit. I've done crazy promiscuous things myself. I just worry about catching an STI/STD. Some are with you for life, some cause infertility, some cause cancer.

Anything you can do to protect yourself is great. I just don't want you to end up with a permanent reminder of what you've been doing.

Again, sorry if this sounds harsh as that's not what I intend. Just worried, that's all. :(