Relationship Regular relationship vs PTSD relationship

[Rose White]

Hi, sufferer here. I have only been in codependent relationships. I very much understand the rules of those! But I’m quite unsure about the rules of either regular relationships or PTSD relationships. For example, in my past relationships they moved exceptionally fast and lovebombing was an important part of securing the relationship. I know I have to be cautious about that now but I still orient toward it

Could supporters who have experienced one or both kinds of relationships please share some compare and contrast? Maybe a flow chart? . It is not helpful for me when people say “You’ll know when you find the right one.” My right one turned into a 15-year trap.

I am realizing that I’m not really a candidate for regular relationships but I’m still so curious what they are like.

 

[Sweetpea76]

A “regular relationship” is a phrase I think you’re getting caught on from another supporter thread.

When we talk about “regular relationships” here, we’re referring to relationships without PTSD in the mix. One where we do not have to rearrange life around symptomatic partners.

This part of the forum can be upsetting or triggering for sufferers. Announcement - Sufferers: You MUST read this thread, prior to posting

 

[Rose White]

When we talk about “regular relationships” here, we’re referring to relationships without PTSD in the mix.

I am aware. I was wondering if the differences could be illuminated? I currently have a diagnosis of PTSD (but I’m getting better) and I would like to have a relationship with a supporter some day, or maybe even a regular relationship but I don’t know what to expect. I thought the supporters might have insight?

I am aware that this part of the forum can be triggering and that I’m responsible for my triggers. Is it a triggering question?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is it a triggering question?

For supporters? No.

I’m just not sure what you’re looking for. “Regular” is a matter of opinion. Some people suck at relationships in general. Some people are selfish, or liars, or cheaters, etc.

If you’re talking about a healthy relationship with no mental health issues in the mix, then it is about open communication and trust. The difference, from my view as a current supporter, is that in a regular relationship my partner would trust me unless I gave them a legitimate reason not to. They weren’t so wrapped up in their own self preservation that they could focus on my needs and wants in the same way I focused on theirs. Those would be two major differences off the top of my head.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Sweetpea76 You basically just described my husband/supporter. I wish that my self preservation wasn’t so extreme at times. However, I’m finding that everyone is messed up in their own special way. Even the healthy relationship people,

 

[Rose White]

Thank you @Sweetpea76 . What’s weird for me is how to define trust . I’m probably getting hung up again. I want to highlight your points to see them

in a regular relationship my partner would trust me unless I gave them a legitimate reason not to

So you accept that the trust comes and goes based on symptom flare up? Do you think this is something that supporters might appreciate being told early on in the relationship? “My trust for you will likely wax and wane depending on whether I’m having symptoms.” As a recovering codependent a statement like that sounds like a death knell for a relationship but for a non-sufferer is that helpful information?

they could focus on my needs and wants in the same way I focused on theirs.

They are not able to focus on your needs yet you still support, love, and accept them? Again is this helpful information to share early on with potential partners? “I will at times struggle to focus on your needs, particularly when I am symptomatic.”

One of my old symptoms that is much more manageable now is compulsively explaining myself (then hiding). Is a PTSD diagnosis something that a supporter would generally want to know about early on?

I hope I’m not pushing this too hard. Even your response you gave was very helpful.
It’s kind of a challenge for me to think about how in dating someone I am going to need a supporter—I hadn’t really thought of it that way but I want to be realistic and honest with myself and others in an effort to foster communication and trust.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So you accept that the trust comes and goes based on symptom flare up?

My trust for you will likely wax and wane depending on whether I’m having symptoms.”

In my experience, my partner’s default is to not trust anybody at any time. I had to accept that about him and learn not to take it personally. I think he trusts me as much as he’s capable of trusting. It’s gets frustrating at times. Every time I sigh isn’t really an indication that I’m sick of him and about to drain the bank account to leave.

The “my needs come second” thing sucks. I don’t know a supporter on here who isn’t frustrated with that at times. We get it… it’s not malicious. PTSD is a selfish disorder though.

The communication up front would help massively. What would go a looooooong way is acknowledging this behavior when you’re in the thick of the relationship, validating your partner’s frustration, and maybe throwing them a bone once in awhile.