Rejection For Not Having Ptsd

[Sailorgal]

Today I experienced my first anxiety attack in two months. At some point, reading stories overwhelmed me and triggered something. Anyhow, I'm OK. It is subsiding and it was under control. But it made me think about things...

It hit me today that I am alone-literally. No family, no close friends to dump my PTSD on, no husband, boyfriend, children or grandchildren. Not even a plant!!!! No one tells me they live me or miss me. I am surprised I am still here.

It's always been just me and it'll always be just me. I accepted that today. It was hard but I let go of hoping and now I'm free. I thought I finally found love, but I was wrong. It's the same as it always is. Rejection cos no one believes sineone like me could be suffering inside.

I read these posts where people are being discriminated and judged for their PTSD. I wish SOMEBODY out there actually believed I actually suffer from it. I tried to tell people...I just got deer in headlights look. No one believed the smart, sassy, strong willed and fun gal could be sooo broken inside.

I was everyone else's confidant and rock all these years. The secrets they all trusted me with! The hours and hours of support and counsel...none of them around now. I won't mention their responses.

I thought getting better WOULD be better. It doesn't make a difference apparently. Everybody wants the "old" me...they don't think it was that bad. He said he would never give up on me. But he did. And I'm moving on.

I'm glad to have found this place where I can share how I feel. Funny how life works sometimes.

 

[ms spock]

It is hard to be alone.

It is hurtful not to be believed.

 

[intothelight]

No one believed the smart, sassy, strong willed and fun gal could be sooo broken inside.

No, people don't believe it, but honestly they really do not understand it.

Really, you still are the smart, sassy, strong willed and fun gal. Who we are before never goes away, it just is different. No one understands, unless they have fought the battle themselves, just how much strength it takes some days just to get out of bed and do what must be done, when you are battling your thoughts and pushing through the free. Now that is strength.

Keep looking for all the positives and all the things you like about yourself, as I really believe they are still there and just may be coming out in new ways. One thing that PTSD does is totally trash out self-esteem and makes us feel broken. Thing is, as we pick up the pieces and put ourselves together, we aren't the same and in some ways we can be better than before. It takes time and a lot of work.

:hug:

 

[rightkindofme]

People have a hard time believing me as well. But you seem so normal! Bah. What do they know what normal is.

 

[Toria]

From the point of view of a Supporter I can see exactly where you are coming from. My Husband puts on his "normal" face when he's out or at work and then takes it off at home where he is safe to fall apart if he needs to.

I have very few friends in my actual - don't even need one hand to count them on - but I do have good friends on here. I think it's a great place to find support and understanding - and friends too x

 

[Sailorgal]

Thanks ITL! I just really needed that reassurance. Makes it sooo clear that people look at the outside. When I was younger, I had a neck injury (fractured vertebrae) and wore a soft neck brace near the end of my recovery. I got evil looks from an older woman cos I was in the handicap spot even though I had a plaque! Grrrr...

 

[Sailorgal]

What do they know what normal is.

So true! Thanks for the chuckle Rightmondofme!

 

[Sailorgal]

Toria, thanks for your perspective. I didn't realize how "crazy" I looked until reading other stories. It started to hit me that I was that person!

Sometimes the disassociation is huge. For me, my got the best and worst part of me. It's easier to be superficial. Also, even though he wasn't the one hurting, he was in that role "boyfriend" of someone who had.

I shared too much and trusted him too much and it backfired.

I hope your husband is improving. He is really lucky that you are supportive and understand.

 

[FaerieJayne]

So many people have turned the other way since I was diagnosed. Heaps of people don't believe it because of the mask that we have put on for so many years but eventually that mask breaks. Since being through the mental health system for various other things I have pretty much been left by many people. I have since found that with recovery from my other illnesses I met new friends. It is generally my family who have decided to let me down. I am constantly spoken about. "crazy" "nuts"... or... "when is she going to get over it and get a job and a life?" My family ignore me at all the family gatherings. I sit in the corner, feeling awkward. I dread Christmas day. I used to be best friends with my cousin before things got bad for me and now she doesn't want anything to do with me. It is the saddest thing. You feel so alone when that happens. I moved away from them because of that and only return for the holidays. I feel obliged to, as my mother still cares for me. She wants me at the functions because she wants my support also. The family are also against her because she is new agey. However, I think fairly soon I will have to say no. I am lucky to have a few supportive friends. I am lucky to have my mum. I think if I didn't have them I wouldn't be here.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Only we can be the judges if there is something wrong with us. If people don't want to stick around it's their choice. Over the years, I've developed a mentality where my main focus is to get well again... That's it. How I look on the outside isn't much of a concern for me. My well being is more important.

 

[Ricanoland]

No one believed the smart, sassy, strong willed and fun gal could be sooo broken inside.

I understand where you are coming from with this line, which really took me back for a moment. Granted I have a wicked family, friends that I don't want, but all of them judge me as being lazy, just wasting my life away, they don't understand what PTSD is and they never will. This is going to sound awkward, but I actually have a fake plant that I talk to when I am alone and upset, it works for me to a point. Can't really stay mad or sad when you are yelling a cute little pink fake flower lol.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I had a response for you and the power went out for hours. I forgot what I was saying. So I will say I agree with ITL said. You are still around. Just growing and changing. Hugs.