Relapse - What Should I Do? What About My Kids?

[Red Feather]

I am hoping to get advice about my present life situation. It is so hard at the moment, I get paralyzed and end up not moving and forgetting to eat, or wanting to run away and having suicide ideation.

My children live in a city 2-3 hours away, with their father, who I was married 8 years with, and is one of my big causes of PTSD and Complex-PTSD. I have to go see my kids. I haven't seen them in more than 2 months. But PTSD is so much bigger than me right now.

I first thought my ex would bring my kids here to Berlin. He offered this to me while I was in the hospital. Now I am back home though, and feel uncomfortable about him coming here. My doctor and I discussed this, and he suggested that I go back instead of them coming here. Because then I would be with my friends and have that added security.

There are so many reasons to go visit. I could see my friends who I haven't seen in ages. I could even see my old therapist, who knows me for a while now and can give me some support possibly. But I have been dreading going back.

My doctor and I also discussed the fact that seeing my kids is a trigger for me, because everytime I see them and have to say goodbye, it triggers me into remembering the day when I was kicked out of my home and separated from them, and everything changed for me. I have been getting triggered for this repetitively for years now, everytime they would come and see me and I would have to say goodbye. I couldnt stand it any longer. Last time they came here to visit me, I so fell into this really dark depressive hole after I had to say goodbye, and that is when this relapse crisis all started. It makes me feel so powerless.

I have PTSD for lots of things which happened in my marriage and childhood, but this is the event which had the biggest impact on my life, and have been having emotional flashbacks regarding this which are getting stronger and clearer everyday.

But now that I made the decision to go back and see them, and I followed through with making the appointment with my old therapist and arranging my travels, I am totally triggered again, and terrorized. I don't even know why I feel like this. It is completely illogical.

If I go through with it, what happens if I just pass out with anxiety on the way there? My doctor gave me medication just in case I go into panic... But I am not sure... I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, and I will tell him this. What should I do? It is really hard for me not to see my kids, and I am feeling so guilty about it, but also so terrorized. It is like a trap.

I do not know if I should face my fears and go through with it... or see this anxiety as a sign that I should be more careful.

 

[Beverly G.]

Nadia, I can't really relate to you because the husband that made my PTSD only sees our kids and thus me about once every three or four years. But I do know about facing fears. I sometimes cry when the phone rings because I am afraid it will be my family telling me my sister has died, but I answer the phone. I am very afraid of people coming to visit me when I'm not expecting anyone, but I answer the door. I have flashbacks to the day my baby girl was taken from me, but I love the ones I still have. I am afraid of men and what happens when they loose their temper, but I stand up to my husband if I think he is wrong. It has taken me years to face my fears head on but every time I do it gets a littlr easier.

I hope you find what you are looking for here. We don't all agree but that just adds to the posibilities.
Beverly

 

[Red Feather]

I don't think I disagree with you. I look up to you and am amazed by your courage and strength. And feel real small in comparison.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

This is complex problem you are facing.

The only advice I have for you is to take it one step at a time. Literally. I used to have the hardest time going to school. It triggered me very badly. But then I broke down my morning, traveling there and getting to class into pieces. I actually planned when to turn into another lane while driving down the highway, it was always the same 1/10th of a mile. I also wrote down lists to help me keep track of everything.

Hope this helps, and wishing your peace.

 

[Red Feather]

Thanks Ayesha it really is complex. It is so complex I may be the only the person who understands the nature of my trauma, and because of this, I really feel alone and lose hope. I feel so terrified right now and in panic. I hate this so much.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Do the best you can. I think with your support network, you should be able to do it.

Just remember to breathe and take it slow. There is no hurry.

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you again.

Nobody knows the stigma I have faced. He forced me out of my home, degrading me and telling me how I wasn't able to take care of my children. He took my passport and keys and bank card, threatening me in front of my own daughter. And then told all his friends and the schools how I left him and my children.
My T told me there was nothing I could have done and had to go, because I didn't want my children to be exposed to what would happen if I had stayed. And I couldn't go back, I was so afraid. No one knows how much I regret not going to the police but I didn't know how to. I hadn't even fully realized that I was in an abusive relationship until the day it happened. I just went totally numb and now after 5 years, I've got this diagnosis and realized why.

 

[Beverly G.]

Nadia, One problem I have that my therapist and I have been working through is guilt. I face the "I shoulda bug" all the time. It is very difficult to let go of once you bury yourself in it. I spent years second guessing myself and that is still one of my triggers, thinking I have made a mistake or that I my have said or done the wrong thing. I panic when someone makes me think I have hurt their feelings. Even on this sight once in a while I think I am being attacked. Rediculous I know but real to me.

You must come to the point that you can believe you did everything you could under the circumstances and that it was in no way your fault. In time things will get easier but unfortunately, like I asked my therapist yesterday, it is about management not recovery. love and prayers, Beverly

 

[Loveneverfails]

Beverly is so right. Someone once told me that every person looking back will always think about what they would have done differently. But all we can do is make the best decision at the time with the limited information we have. You did that. Of course you feel like you made mistakes, every outcome that isn't good makes us feel that way.

But the key factor is that you are getting help for the trauma you faced. That's a big step toward victory. Ayesha is right too to take it in little steps. If you can't handle an entire day, handle the next hour. I had to do that too. It got to the point where I was handling every minute. But I got through it. That's the most important part. Getting through it and making the choice to get through it.

You're bound to fall, to make mistakes. To generalize, even 'normal'(pfft, who's normal anyway?!) divorced people feel like they messed up their separation and divorce as a majority. Your situation is so much more complex than theirs. So remember that struggling is okay. That you don't have to feel strong and you're allowed to panic. This is scary stuff. Just don't forget that it's worth it to keep pushing forward.

 

[Red Feather]

Thanks Beverly and Loveneverfails. It means alot. I'm so crying hysterical triggered right now.

 

[Red Feather]

I am pretty sure I have DIS and feel like I am going crazy. I just want to give up. But I don't want to go the psychiatry hospital again.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Nadia)))I am SO sorry for your losses, and for the deep pain you are in right now. You are taking the steps that you need to, to get back to your kids and friends. With people around who know and love you, your 'road' will be smoother.

It sounds like this all happened not too long ago? I think that the longer you are away from your children, the more you will 'beat up' on yourself, and the ex will use every tactic possible, including saying that it is your choice not to see them. Because you have a T there, it should make it easier to find your way back to some 'normal' times.

I DO know that hopeless feeling, and wanting to get out of life. It's the pain in life I wanted to leave behind, not my children and people who would be horribly affected if I were to 'disappear'. Even if you think they might be 'better off without you', it is not true. The depression and PTSD can and will distort your thinking! Your kids need you, even if you haven't seen them for awhile, or can't see them quite yet. They need a healthy mother.

As your kids get older, they will be able to see your ex for what he is. I believe children do not forget the love of their mother. No matter what, you can't permanently abandon them! They, and all who love you would not 'get over it'. They will wonder what they could have done, or said, that would make you want to leave them.

I know I may sound stern, but I want so badly for you to hang on, and keep working towards getting back to where you can see them. They need you.

Reach out for all the help you can get!

Blessings & Prayers to you.
AKJ