Relating to people who don't have PTSD/ trauma - How to?

[Deleted member 47099]

Hey all,

I've been observing my relationships (close and casual) to people who don't have trauma/ PTSD vs. those who do.

I think that now (and all my life) I'm only truly open and honest with others who have trauma/ PTSD. They're the only people I can be totally open and frank with and who I can be completely myself with.

With people who don't have trauma/ PTSD, I'm always playing a role, always hiding my trauma and PTSD, always putting on a front, always protecting myself.

Also, there's an internal dialogue going on in my head when I'm around people who don't have trauma/ PTSD... My brain is constantly telling me that "they don't get it... they don't understand..." and lots of stuff like that.

Sure, over the years, I've met a few people who don't have trauma/ PTSD who "get it" but that's often people who have known other kinds of hardship and who are very emotionally aware... And my brain doesn't seem to accept this as proof that people without trauma/ PTSD get it... My brain says that those people are just "rare exceptions".

That means that around most people, I'm not authentic/ open/ honest/ truly myself. Which bothers me a lot.

I don't know if I'm willing to generally tell people about my trauma. Would that be the price I have to pay to be honest/ open/ authentic?

How can I find some middle ground? Can I tell people *part* of my story without going into all the shitty details?

For example, when people blab trivial, annoying small-talk at me... I *want* to say "You know what? I have PTSD. I have more important stuff to deal with/ think about/ talk about than this superfluous small-talk."

Of course, I bite my tongue and swallow my words... Time and time and time again.

Each individual case isn't the problem... But the cummulative effect over decades of constantly "not speaking my truth" has left some very deep marks on my psyche.

How can I speak my truth more?

I want to be able to say things like "I'm sorry, I don't know if I can come to your birthday party because my trauma-related fibromyalgia and my PTSD-related panic attacks will probably leave me too exhausted to attend or to enjoy myself."

But I don't. Because that stuff feels "private". And because I feel like I'm "whining" if I say the truth.

I feel like my reality is being made "invisible" to not upset other people.

But it means I'm basically living a lie.

And it makes me huuuuuuuuuugely resent most people without trauma/ PTSD, because I feel totally un-seen and un-heard and because they think I'm "lazy" or "boring" or "grumpy" when I'm actually dealing with chronic pain, anxiety, PTSD, etc.

It's a big reason for why I isolate a lot. I'm so sick of being around people who "don't get it" and who don't hear me and who I can't speak my truth to.

Editing to add (feel free to combine my posts, as my edit time window has elapsed):

I have to also accept that as a child growing up in trauma, my reality back then was:

- No one gets it (the trauma)
- No one sees it
- No one understands
- No one is helping me
- No one is making it stop
- No one is talking to me about it
- It seems that nobody cares

That is so deeply imprinted in my brain.

My brain also knows that's not the whole truth.

But deep down? In my emotional brain/ my emotional reality? It's what I "believe" 90%. It's a core belief.

That core belief makes it additionally hard to related to people without trauma/ PTSD.

 

[Chris-duck]

Hey,

I think sometimes it helps me when I'm all "nobody gets it" to remember that by the time people are adults, the vast majority of people have gone through a hard time, maybe not trauma, but shit whacks everyone at some point. I think it's a valid way to cope as a kid/teen/young adult with trauma to seek out people who have similar experiences (even outside of trauma, but especially in trauma I'd say), but it's more difficult to even *know* who had childhood trauma as an adult (not impossible, I can usually tell too :P )

So like, what is it you actually want from people to show they get it? (Cos yo, I get it, but I'll also blahblah small talk at you :P ) The risk of saying "I can't do that cos of PTSD", it invites questions because you're giving impression you're more open than you actually want to be, so people feel like they can be all "omg. What *happened*?" which would probably get even more tiresome.

So id start with realising that your trauma-detectors aren't even infallible to start with, everyone puts on acts, you really dunno who does n doesn't have PTSD/trauma. N even if you do, there's presumably plenty of people with trauma n PTSD who you don't feel understood by either, so what is it you're looking for?

Btw, majority of my close friends are a bit nuts, I don't see that as a problem. People flock to people of similar backgrounds all the time. I'd say it's mainly the assumption it's you and your (amazing btw ?) nuts friends against the world.

 

[grit]

I can relate to your anxiety about these trying times but at the end, you really do not know who has trauma or ptsd or anything... It is just another way to self isolate us.
I hope you find relief or epiphany.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

what is it you actually want from people to show they get it?

I think what I need to shift is my core beliefs around this issue.
I need to find a way that *I* can relate to "people" that isn't so defined by this.

As a child, my experience was "Nobody gets it and nobody is helping me".
And my reaction as a kid was "I hate you all".

As an adult, my experience is "Very few people get/ talk about the reality of living with stuff like PTSD."
My reaction is "Go away, leave me alone. I'll talk superficially polite blahblah with you when I can't avoid it, but I will go to great lengths to avoid talking to you."

It doesn't feel like a healthy pattern.

At the same time, it's 100% based on the reality I experienced as a kid and as an adult.

I need to find some subtle, between the lines way of being more honest about my life.

That doesn't always have to entail blurting out "I have PTSD" to people.

For example, at work, I'll say things like "I have a migraine" when I'm taking a mental health sick day. That can be a way of saying "I'm not okay" without going into the details.

I need to find some way of connecting to this in my interactions with others:

by the time people are adults, the vast majority of people have gone through a hard time, maybe not trauma, but shit whacks everyone at some point.

Some way of interacting that isn't fake "I'm fine thanks" stuff.

It doesn't have to be the whole truth... but "I'm fine thanks" is the *opposite* of the truth and that's super unhelpful for me these days.

It was helpful back when it was a way of staying safe... "I'm fine thanks" is a great way of camouflaging to ensure safety in many situations.

But I've paid a high price for that relative safety... I've lost the ability to be authentic about my life to "people". And I've stopped liking/ respecting "people" because my brain just rejects them outright, for all the reasons outlined above.

I know how much I can trust the average person and in what ways. Just by knowing about general human behaviour and what motivates people and knowing their strengths/ weaknesses. So it's not that I don't trust "people" per se.

But I don't trust them to see me/ to hear me/ to get it/ to be able to relate to trauma or PTSD.

So, what's a more realistic way to think about people?

As an adult, I can tell myself:

- Most people struggle with life
- Most people are afraid to talk about mental health issues - including their own, those of their partner, those of their friends, those of other people who are close to them - because it's still a societal taboo
- Most people are saying "I'm fine thanks" in a fake way too
- It's difficult for everyone to be authentic about the things they struggle with/ hardships they've experienced

Regarding my experiences during childhood trauma, I can tell myself:

- Most people are totally overwhelmed with the topic of child abuse and have no idea what to do/ how to help abused children
- Your abuser hid the abuse well and as a victim you tried to hide the effects of the abuse too - it was truly hard for people to notice
- You were too scared to tell people. Looking back, you can see the people that were kind and caring and who *would* have helped, had you been able to tell them. Those people did exist. They did care.
- Most people were so busy struggling with their own hardships, they didn't even have the headspace to notice other people struggling.

 

[Ronin]

But that all starts with *you*.

Sharing, being open, direct, mindful of boundaries, redefining boundaries, dealing with conversational topics as able to & willing to handle, picking your audience. Backing away and backing off if things don't work.

Shifting confidences, building & rebuilding trust on go, redefining. It's an changes by moment thing, not once done and all is settled.

So maybe look for & at what you need on 'simple human' level from people.

To feel yourself, understood, (safe before I forget for most people that's a need), valued, multi-faceted and not like a carricature of yourself or defined by pain, as a caring good fella.

And then look at your friends & people around again and check who all might be good to go to on any of these.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

But that all starts with *you*.

Sharing, being open, direct, mindful of boundaries, redefining boundaries, dealing with conversational topics as able to & willing to handle, picking your audience. Backing away and backing off if things don't work.

Yup.

So with friends, I'm okay talking about stuff in an authentic way... Cos anyone I can't talk to authentically I get rid of as a friend :D
Easy :laugh:

What I find more difficult is things like:

- Work colleagues. (I'm off sick from work at the moment/ don't have a job, so this isn't urgent, but it's a good example.) At work, our society says it's very much about "being strong" and at work there is a lot of competitive behaviour. So telling people anything vulnerable/ authentic about hardship in your life is a tricky thing... At work "I'm fine thanks" is often the smartest/ most sensible option. But it contributes to the fact that I'm lieing to 95% of people about the most important things in my life.

- Neighbours. Another group of people where "I'm fine thanks" feels like the best choice. The idea that my neighbours would talk/ gossip about me "She's the one with PTSD because of childhood trauma" feels like a niiiiightmare :shifty: And yet, by telling all neighbours "I'm fine thanks" that's again a big group of people that I'm plain lieing to and leading a fake life with.

- Acquaintances. Pretty much the same as above. Probably a bit easier to be honest with, because often acquaintances aren't part of a close knit network (like workplace or neighbourhood) where what you say to one person will be told to others and have ramifications for your status in the overall situation. Acquaintances are usually more fleeting connections so the effects of being open with them are usually more limited.

- I could probably add "family" to the list in a general way, but it doesn't apply to my situation because I'm no-contact with my FOO except for one person and that person knows about my PTSD and childhood trauma.

So, I could work out how to deal with work colleagues in future for when I'm working again.

Neighbours is one example I could look at currently, but feels scary/ confronting.

Acquaintances is probably the easiest place to start.

multi-faceted and not like a carricature of yourself or defined by pain

I think this is also part of the problem, yeah.

I think many people view us as black/ white caricatures. Either we're strong, or we're weak.

If we say "I'm fine thanks" it's proof that we are strong.

If I say "I have PTSD from childhood trauma" then in people's heads I'll be "the victim" and "weak".

They won't see me as a strong person, who happens to have overcome childhood trauma but still struggles with the effects of it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I understand, but the way I feel it's (also) not anyone's business, my private sufferings or business or trials. So I don't want them to know, or don't trust them, including don't trust them to necessarily be able to understand or respect it/ keep it private.

I think though it could be applied just as equally to some other's sufferings; for example when diagnosed with cancer people usually feel like why doesn't the world (and the people in it) around me stop, etc.

But I am sure there is a happy medium. I find I can be authentic, in so far perhaps sometimes understand, and share without revealing. Some people you will have more of an affinity to, and/ or they you. Or, it just remains there's not much in common and a lot of stuff is pretty superficial. I equally think as I probably fail them, others fail me. Either they don't care, or don't understand, but either way I'm left feeling pretty isolated. Which sounds whiny, but is just a statement of fact if I'm honest.

I kind of think, with all that's going on, some people are feeling for this time what many of us feel most of the time.

 

[Ronin]

I think a huuge part of this is the belief not sharing trauma = lying.

That's a pretty loaded core belief...
And one I'd challenge as a first thing, before you go into figuring out the concretes for any other interaction.

* * *

And even if sharing trauma, you don't have to share all of it or a depth of it, or in terms putting it as *trauma*.

For instance I have no trouble telling people things like, I keep living in crazy neighborhoods. :p Nasty neighbors one just can't get along with, people get. Stalking & gangs it's been in reality? They don't. Or do and want nothing in common with anyone even mentioning these.

Things like that.
How casually & seriously you put what, to who, makes a lot of difference.

It's the same as to kids I'm gonna tell I look sad often and forget things a lot because people beat me. And I also fell on my head and knocked it. A loot. Noo kiddo that only says that it's not *your* fault, and thanks loving darling but my head doesn't hurt *now*, now it just makes me sad and spacey. :p

Things like that. The same facts can be shared differently based on audience & further needs.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

@Sophy (in lockdown) my current experiences and doubts are very, very similar to yours... Here's my thoughts.

One of the things that I have realized during the past years or so, is that there are many people, probably most of people actually, who have some problems or anxieties that they don't usually talk about or they don't talk at all. It makes them, in my mind, much closer to me in general than I thought before. And that is because even though they may not have PTSD/cPTSD or other types of trauma, they have their own issues, which bother them and which I may not understand or even be able to understand.

Like there's that muscular and popular guy, that shines with self-confidence and strength, who revealed to me once we became closer that actually he has regrets and thoughts about his ex-girlfriend with whom he broke up years ago. That in addition to some problems in his family and also that he is tired of his current life, has many doubts and doesn't really know what to do.

Or there's that woman who is always so happy, sweet and friendly... Well, turns out, she has ADD. That's some hardcore stuff, in certain ways it's even more serious than "typical" PTSD. And no, she's not willing to talk about it at all. Definitely not something she shares with most people. I'm more willing to talk about my PTSD than she is about ADD, and I usually don't talk about PTSD at all.

Or there's that guy who is an extrovert, and talks with everyone and easily makes connections... Well, turns out, people actually tend to have somewhat low opinions of him, and he doesn't realize that. I seem to be one of those people who understand him and appreciate him more than others.

All of this doesn't mean that everyone has some problem, hidden or not. But most of people have their difficulties in life, some of those are related to mental health. And they face somewhat similar doubts and anxieties that I face myself, sometimes to a lesser degree, sometimes to a greater degree.

So, because of that, I think that I shouldn't frame it as "us and them" situation. There's no "us and them", we're just people, all with our own experiences of life and mental health state. I think, this naturally will make it easier for me to relate to others, and also generally will make me feel better about everything. Less frontiers, easier to be closer.

I also will make an effort to stop thinking that "they can never understand me", which I tended to think before. It may be true, that they may not understand me 100% or not be able to feel what I feel exactly... But heck, who can claim to understand some other person with 100% confidence? That just doesn't happen, we don't even understand ourselves fully.

It is also true that some people will not even make an effort to understand me and some of those who will try, may still not understand me at all. But I think that if they try to understand, and I try to explain it hard enough, at least some of them will be able to achieve a degree of understanding, that will be enough for them to "get it". And this is great, because it will make us closer. They may even help me or know how to help me. I need to help them to help me. There's no way they can do something regarding my PTSD if they don't even know that I have it.

Now, regarding the question whether to disclose it or not, and to whom disclose something like that. The thing is that, unfortunately, disclosing it may come at a cost.

The reality is that some people are not good. Some of them may try to use this knowledge against you, even in some vicious ways. Or they may just dismiss you, or perceive it as some sort of excuse. Some people will just put a label on you. Some people just lack empathy and sometimes we need to protect ourselves against people like this.

I think that the decision must be done on case-by-case basis. Not even group-by-group, but rather you have to evaluate what kind of person you're dealing with... If that's the right kind of person, disclosing this may make relationship much closer and better. Other people can help us to heal and it's OK to be vulnerable sometimes... And learn to trust people. But we must act with certain caution, which is only healthy and expected thing to do.

So I don't think I will be disclosing this frequently any time soon... But I think that I will be more open-minded about this and try not to treat it as a secret, but just as an information that must be treated with caution. There's nothing inherently bad about it being disclosed.

As you can see, I don't have any answers myself... Just the direction I'm going at this moment.

 

[Deanna]

Well.. My boyfriend is PTSD and so am I. We are close.. but I have my moments with him like-Go Away! I do take this forum as power so I do have people that understand me and they are here.I can walk into a room of normies and know that are people here on this forum like me. But really, I really don't care if someone knows that I'm PTSD. I have a business ( I have a small office in my home) so i don't have the office chatter but I've worked at a big box store HQ for 7 years and just can't work those kind of jobs anymore. My close friends know I have PTSD, some of my clients don't, I take each and every one of you as power in font of normies.. and I thank-you for it.. But I just really don't care. I don't put off that I'm different or have anyone question it. Partially because I was diagnosed in my 50's. I had to mingle with normies so I'm perfectly fine with them.. But their brain is limited in what they can believe in, some of them, etc. Or... They wouldn't believe it..etc

 

[Freida]

Great minds huh?.how funny I'm on this same tangent. :)
but that's because we will figure it out together!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I don't have any advice because I deal with the same thing and almost all of my closest friends have PTSD or at depression/anxiety so I don't have to deal with people who don't get it, and because I thought people would reject me if they didn't have what I have. BUT I had one friend who I thought wouldn't get me because she'd never been through trauma and she's been an incredible support and is always open to learning more and listening. She's been such a great friend over the years and turns out talking about my mental health has helped her talk about her own depression.

So maybe we can let people surprise us. And the people who are mean about it, I think that's more of a reflection on them.