General Relationship Boundaries With PTSD

[Arashi]

Thank you bec, that actually does help.

Essentially I am trying to put some peices of the puzzle together here for how this illness is affecting her and at what levels. Trying to analyze where her boundaraies may lie from my experiences and conversations with her so that I am better informed and equipped to discovering what she needs and how I can approach things without having the opposite effect.

 

[becvan]

Arashi,

If she was abused, in any way, she will have major boundary issues. This is something you will want to have a discussion (or many) about if you can communicate at that level with her. Her boundaries might be really high (like mine, I can't even stand someone standing behind me) or they might be really low (where there are little to no boundaries, this is commonly where cheating comes into play) or she might fluctuate from one to the other.

What ever you do, if she says NO, listen to it. Once you cross that boundary you will have a hell of a time earning trust back.

bec

btw, if she wasn't abused this can still apply due to the PTSD it's just to a lesser level.

 

[Arashi]

She was, however there really was little indication of any residual effects of it throughout the 8 months that we were heavily dating.

I knew of the trauma because she told me, I knew what PTSD was, but I didn't know enough to pick up a lot of the little things that show she has it. Most of the major stuff isn't there, it's mostly little things...or the symptons come and go, but again aren't that pronounced.

At least on the outside. To her they might be, but she doesn't hold onto that diagnosis very much. I really think she had it firmly in check until her abusive Ex came along. Now the symptoms are slowly creeping back in.

It's tough to find out the boundaries when:
a) you can't really talk to her because she wants space
b) you aren't sure if she will take offense to being "labeled"
c) the severity of the symptoms make them seem nonexistent most days
d) she wears masks (like Anthony's post) to make everything seem alright almost all of the time

This is why I am trying to determine as much as I can from my own recollection of conversations, my own intuition, my knowledge of her and her behaviours, etc.

You have an excellent point though bec, and I appreciate it.

 

[Kathy]

It's tough to find out the boundaries when:
a) you can't really talk to her because she wants space

Wanting space is a boundary in itself Arashi, a very clear one, and one you should most definitely respect.

b) you aren't sure if she will take offense to being "labeled"

You may talk with her and not mention PTSD at all, if you are concerned about the labeling aspect. Simply talk about whatever she is willing to discuss. Any talking is helpful and will build trust. Again though, only talk to her if she wishes; if she doesn't wish it, that again is her boundary; do not force the issue.

c) the severity of the symptoms make them seem nonexistent most days

What do you mean by this? Severe symptoms are non existent? I am uncertain what you are trying to say here.

d) she wears masks (like Anthony's post) to make everything seem alright almost all of the time

That is likely her way of coping, especially when faced with too many stressors. You cannot force her to be well, or talk to you, or anything else. As difficult as it is, part of loving someone with PTSD is learning to let go of them and let them heal at their own pace.

Remember Arashi, you cannot fix or change her, and you are not her therapist. It is commendable that you want to learn and do the best by her, however knowing what to do does not occur overnight. Oft times simply respecting their wishes and letting go is the best strategy. If you plan to be with her in the long term, PTSD will always be there, so you have plenty of time to learn about it; you needn't know everything immediately. It is a learning and growing process for you as well. Perhaps you need to examine within yourself, as to why you feel the need to help her so quickly. Looking inwards would be beneficial for you as well I believe. Take care.

 

[Arashi]

Thanks Kathy. It is humbling to try and sit here, sort through information, get some sort of feeling as to what the woman I love is going through and knowing that it may be too much for our relationship to survive.

It is worse knowing that the man responsible for bringing this issue back into the forefront is still harassing her and still making sure that she can't forget or move on. And again, not being able to do anything about it.