Relationship Relationship Meltdown

[needhelpsoon]

I have been a divorced parent for 3 years. I see my two boys 3 evenings a week. My Girlfriend of one year (who has PTSD from longterm childhood trauma) cannot handle the way I let my children treat her/me or the way they play fight occasionally. I love her very much and give her all the support for her problems that I can, she knows she is cared for and we have a pretty good relationship otherwise.

She thinks they have zero respect for me or her and don't appreciate things like meals being cooked, washing being done for them etc.

My eldest son who she feels is worse, is 15 so is going through the typical teenage difficulties. I don't give him a hard time but I do make him washup/ tidy his room/ make his own breakfast and lunch occasionally.

We have both tried to talk to him but he just agrees with everything said then carries on with his usual way. He whispers and mocks her behind her back, has spat ice at her/me once, despite being told to stop and tells me he doesn't like her because she doesn't like him. If I tell him to stop behaving badly it takes many times and the threat of being banned from his pc which is all he ever wants to do. My children's actions trigger her PTSD often but she admits that just being around any children does this too.

Other people who know my children can't really see a problem with him and think he is a typical teenager.

My gut feeling is there is nothing "out of the ordinary" with my children but my girlfriend has basically said she can't live with them and our relationship is hanging by a thread. She thinks I should see a talking therapist so I can learn to control my kids better.

I am willing to see a therapist but I need to know if my failings as a parent are the real problem or if is my girlfriend who will never be able to cope with us.

Can anyone give me advice before it ends our relationship?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hi needhelpsoon. I can understand your position. I'm a single parent in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer too.

You are the parent, so it is your opinion that matters most here. Did you think your children had a discipline problem before you started dating her? Do they get in trouble at school? Other people do not think they are especially ill-behaved?

I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old, and to me, what you are describing is typical teenage behavior. They don't appreciate things like we think they should. They tend to be a little mischievous at home with parents and siblings. They get sulky, lazy, and smart-mouthed every once in awhile. They definitely do not listen all the time. I'd be willing to bet it's like that with all teenagers. If people think their teenagers are perfectly well behaved all the time, then they probably aren't catching them at it. :cautious:

It sounds like she is just getting overly stressed by children in the house, especially if all kids trigger her. Your son probably knows he upsets her, and therefore is getting a bad vibe off her. Hence the "I don't like her because she doesn't like me" attitude.

This may be a situation where you have to put your foot down with her. Your children need to act like regular children in their own home. She may need to have to learn to manage her stress with them if she wants to be in a relationship with a single father.

Good luck.

 

[needhelpsoon]

Hi
Thanks for the reply Sweetpea76

I was expecting this, thank you for the validation. No they don't get in trouble at school, in fact they both do really well.

She is very good at managing her symptoms but we keep coming back to this problem even though she now stays away whenever they are around. I suspect it has come to a head this time round because I am looking after them during school holidays and I wont see her for a week.

Any advice on how to tackle the issue with her?
Thanks again.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Maybe it's time for some talks.

Have an honest sit-down with your partner and tell her that you love and support her, and that you know that your children are triggering her, but they are just being normal children. You cannot punish them for being regular kids, and you have to be a dad first, and a partner second. You are going to need her to work on managing her stress when it comes to your kids, and in turn, you can offer talk to the kids about curbing some of the noise and rowdy play (maybe send them outside to run off energy, or take them out for some father/child time when they are high energy).

I would also have a talk with your kids, or at least your older son, who is old enough to understand. I would explain that your partner has PTSD, and that she doesn't deal with stress and noise well. It's not that she doesn't like them, it's that her disorder makes her very stressed out when they are loud or horsing around. Kids are smart and compassionate when they are given the chance. You wouldn't have to go into the nitty-gritty details of what happened to your partner, but explaining that she has PTSD may go a long way.

There are some great threads in the supporter section about setting boundaries. This is a boundary. You need her to be able to be around your kids in a positive way.

I know this is hard as a single parent dating a new partner with PTSD. My kids and my sufferer get along really well, but I've sat my kids down and explained to them that he has combat PTSD from being in the war, and that he gets stressed out by certain things (them bickering, loud sudden noises, crowds, etc.). They could see that he is physically injured, but they needed to know about the injuries they couldn't see. My vet also knows that my kids are my life, and if he can't be around them, then he can't be around me.

With everybody on the same page, it has been smooth sailing as far as the kids have been concerned. Of course we don't co-habitate yet, and my kids are older, so that also helps the situation.

Every situation is different, but some good communication may go a long way.