Does the pain ever stop? When I get in to a relationship that I dearly enjoy, something always happens either on my part eventually or theirs intermittently.
I really had found the 2nd love of my life. She meant more than i could ever express to her. Ultimately, I got to a point where I kept feeling abandoned whether true or not I weigh it out. I just go through periods like we all most do and need support. She just happened to have had some catastrophic series of events occur. I tried to help in the best ways I knew how given the circumstances, but she chose not to follow that advice. Other things were going on at the sometime, but when she stopped calling and I hadn't seen her in 3 weeks I pretty much went in to my hole and started preparing myself for being alone. I became accustomed to not interacting with her that I pretty much blocked her out.
Now just a few days ago we got in to our last tiff. She's a New Yorker and likes to run her mouth and my sensibility doesn't have tolerance for that so, I told her to kick rocks I'm ok with being alone. I don't think she really understands why or how i became fridgid. It's a normal part of my life for people to be in and out, I prepared myself to just be. In our closing conversation we both said some very hurtful things. When I get hurt, It gets ugly. I gave her all the hurt I had reserved from her over the previous 9 months or so. Today, I wrote a letter to her apologizing and telling her how much I value her in my life and that, I can't apologize for being myself I can for hurting her. Also that I wish to continue our relationship.
We were in deep folks. I bought her a ring last February as the signifier of what I wanted as well as what direction our relationship would be desirable. Honestly, after she took it and almost a year later we haven't made it to that sacred vow, which threw flares to me. I tried to be patient, I also wanted to make sure I was clear about my expectations. After all this has occurred we aren't talking literally, even after I apologized. I'm hurting, I know she is as well. I don't want to be a stalker, I just want my friend, lover, wife back. Even-though I'm comfortable being alone, this relationship was the conscious effort that I wanted to be with, rather than can't be without. I know I'm a rainbow with a gold pot, too much to handle. I also feel that in an episodic rage, trembling moment, and in somatic fit, I clearly handled it wrong. I could go on, I will stop here for now.
Here is the message I wrote her: if you can read between the lines tell me you can feel me.
Julie, I'm sorry. I do want to continue to move forward. Be in my child's life like I'm not able to do as it is. I'm not nor have I ever been a deadbeat. I'm just afraid for both you and the child, likewise nina. I don't want the things I've seen happen become what can, does, and has happened to so many families and children in the world its not frightening, It's terrifying. I know that I have hurt you, I know that because I have Been hurting with you, without you, and its not easy to confront those emotions because they're are to me another familiar form of abandonment. I can't be ashamed of who I am but I can be ashamed of what I've done. So for the hurt that I've caused you I'm deeply sorry. I am greatly appreciative of your presence in my life you mean a lot to me.
Sometimes its difficult to express because there's so much I want to share with you and theres Only 24hrs in a day. I've always, even when you thought differently, thought about us. I really couldn't get used to not being around. Its like being in jail all over but emotional prison is more difficult to manage, at least for me it is. So, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me please do. Choosing to be alone is somewhat easier so I do understand, but being from the old school does mean sticking together at all costs, filling in the gaps and letting love fill in the cracks of both our brokenhearts. I know that's what I said in the beginning and I still very much mean it today. It has been difficult sifting through both of our wreckage. I did it because everybody deserves a second chance and a new ship. I know a piece of you died with that car. A piece of me died when I lost mine. When that piece of you left a piece of me with it. I feel deeply about A lot of things and some of those things connect us to our best representations of ourselves. It's a representation not the real thing.
That's what I feel when I express certain emotional departments because its just hard to talk about it, thinking someone's listening after being ignored for so long. Floor time is important for everyone. It gives opportunity to release the anxieties of sensitive subjects like children. If this doesn't reach you or you turn your back to these words, I understand. If these words do reach you and rest in your heart please find a way to let me know. I love you. I put a ring on it because I'm not that kinda guy, even if I've had to be in the past. Everybody deserves a new start and a fresh ship.
I really had found the 2nd love of my life. She meant more than i could ever express to her. Ultimately, I got to a point where I kept feeling abandoned whether true or not I weigh it out. I just go through periods like we all most do and need support. She just happened to have had some catastrophic series of events occur. I tried to help in the best ways I knew how given the circumstances, but she chose not to follow that advice. Other things were going on at the sometime, but when she stopped calling and I hadn't seen her in 3 weeks I pretty much went in to my hole and started preparing myself for being alone. I became accustomed to not interacting with her that I pretty much blocked her out.
Now just a few days ago we got in to our last tiff. She's a New Yorker and likes to run her mouth and my sensibility doesn't have tolerance for that so, I told her to kick rocks I'm ok with being alone. I don't think she really understands why or how i became fridgid. It's a normal part of my life for people to be in and out, I prepared myself to just be. In our closing conversation we both said some very hurtful things. When I get hurt, It gets ugly. I gave her all the hurt I had reserved from her over the previous 9 months or so. Today, I wrote a letter to her apologizing and telling her how much I value her in my life and that, I can't apologize for being myself I can for hurting her. Also that I wish to continue our relationship.
We were in deep folks. I bought her a ring last February as the signifier of what I wanted as well as what direction our relationship would be desirable. Honestly, after she took it and almost a year later we haven't made it to that sacred vow, which threw flares to me. I tried to be patient, I also wanted to make sure I was clear about my expectations. After all this has occurred we aren't talking literally, even after I apologized. I'm hurting, I know she is as well. I don't want to be a stalker, I just want my friend, lover, wife back. Even-though I'm comfortable being alone, this relationship was the conscious effort that I wanted to be with, rather than can't be without. I know I'm a rainbow with a gold pot, too much to handle. I also feel that in an episodic rage, trembling moment, and in somatic fit, I clearly handled it wrong. I could go on, I will stop here for now.
Here is the message I wrote her: if you can read between the lines tell me you can feel me.
Julie, I'm sorry. I do want to continue to move forward. Be in my child's life like I'm not able to do as it is. I'm not nor have I ever been a deadbeat. I'm just afraid for both you and the child, likewise nina. I don't want the things I've seen happen become what can, does, and has happened to so many families and children in the world its not frightening, It's terrifying. I know that I have hurt you, I know that because I have Been hurting with you, without you, and its not easy to confront those emotions because they're are to me another familiar form of abandonment. I can't be ashamed of who I am but I can be ashamed of what I've done. So for the hurt that I've caused you I'm deeply sorry. I am greatly appreciative of your presence in my life you mean a lot to me.
Sometimes its difficult to express because there's so much I want to share with you and theres Only 24hrs in a day. I've always, even when you thought differently, thought about us. I really couldn't get used to not being around. Its like being in jail all over but emotional prison is more difficult to manage, at least for me it is. So, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me please do. Choosing to be alone is somewhat easier so I do understand, but being from the old school does mean sticking together at all costs, filling in the gaps and letting love fill in the cracks of both our brokenhearts. I know that's what I said in the beginning and I still very much mean it today. It has been difficult sifting through both of our wreckage. I did it because everybody deserves a second chance and a new ship. I know a piece of you died with that car. A piece of me died when I lost mine. When that piece of you left a piece of me with it. I feel deeply about A lot of things and some of those things connect us to our best representations of ourselves. It's a representation not the real thing.
That's what I feel when I express certain emotional departments because its just hard to talk about it, thinking someone's listening after being ignored for so long. Floor time is important for everyone. It gives opportunity to release the anxieties of sensitive subjects like children. If this doesn't reach you or you turn your back to these words, I understand. If these words do reach you and rest in your heart please find a way to let me know. I love you. I put a ring on it because I'm not that kinda guy, even if I've had to be in the past. Everybody deserves a new start and a fresh ship.
