Relationships And Independence

[Meadowsweet]

I haven't had a relationship for nearly 10 years now, and prior to that I was in relationships in which the man was wholly dominant. I've grown up with the man being dominant, and it's something that I couldn't live with now.

What gave me the courage to split from my ex and go it alone, is that he became a long distance lorry driver, which meant it was just me and my babies 5 days a week, and I felt free. We split up because he was so demanding and downright rude when he came home.

But I think that my idea of a good relationship would be with a man who was equally independent. Because that would mean that when we were together, we would be there purely because we liked being there. No dependence or demands on each others time.

It seems to be possible with friendships - people live their own lives and call each other and get together when it suits both. And friends have fun. So why can't relationships be like that?

 

[TLight]

Sounds good to me. I think it's the only way I could ever have one.

I was (among other horrific things) severely beaten and terrorized to do house chores. I am getting divorced now. Seems all of my desperate pleadings to help out with the house chores and even him witnessing 5 years of flashbacks and my begging for something to change........ Seems he loved his laziness more than he loved me. It was a complete nightmare.

Seems to me moving in with a man just seems like a whole lot more work and not much love. I'd rather just take care of me. I'm tired.

Figured out he is a narcissist...what a mind f*ck. He'd blame me on his lack of doing his share. Made complete sense to him.

 

[DMerish]

I married a narcissit too. It took me a while to figure out what was going on and separate myself from the situation. Since then I've come to learn that the smarter the woman the more difficult it is to find a good man.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Figured out he is a narcissist

I married a narcissit too

How do you know he was a narcissist?

 

[DMerish]

Divorce/Custody issue resulted in a court ordered psychriactic report on both of us. I had heard the term "narcissist" used loosley before the eval. I thought it meant someone who was an extrovert, who was rather loud and liked a lot of attention in a sort of 'look at me' kind of way. But that's not necessarily the case with all narcissts, I learned later. My report said I had PTSD symptoms - It was the first time I had heard of it. Denied it; didn't believe the definition/wasn't aware I had symptoms at the time. Six/Seven months later the relationship ended, and I could relax, I had the full onslot . . . . Hope this answers your question.

 

[TLight]

I figured out he was a narcissist from a suggestion of a friend. He is not a 'hugely' egotistic one, but very subtle. My biggest clue was his own admission and his obvious display during a flashback where he stood there and said, "I don't feel anything." I ignored it for a long time. Then upon the breakup he said, "I just don't have feelings, I'm not like other people."

I've learned since that they become very adept at acting like they have empathy and feel for other people. This is so they can have people in their lives. I seriously thought he was like the most perfect man on the planet in the beginning. Showered me with affection, etc. Then it slowly became clear that he had no concept of other people have needs. He just does not have the ability to do that. It is all about his needs. People, even his friends and especially me, are just extensions of himself. Your needs are constantly devalued cause they just aren't capable of conceptualizing others in any other light than as a part of themselves.

I experienced selfishness at an incredible level. If I was hurt by something he said or did, I had no reason to hurt, he'd done nothing wrong, my feelings had to be wrong. They simply do not have the ability to see themselves as anything but perfect, and others have to reflect that back, or else they quickly become disinterested.

When I held my boundaries firm and walked away, he just coldly threw me away. I was no longer a source of 'narcissistic supply'. He knows there's something very wrong with him....but he can not grasp it all. He knows he can't feel love like other people, so he acts like it in order to enlist others to hold up his very fragile ego.

He is very material, sexist, but at the same time it is HUGELY important others see him as a wonderful guy (and others do). They maintain their 'good guy' status in their own brains, despite how they abuse and use other people. It is all very sad actually.

I'm glad I'm out. They rarely seek therapy because they believe they are so perfect, it's others who are defective, never them. They will never own up to bad things they've said or done, instead they lie to get around it, or blame you somehow.

Most articles say the will never change. The only thing you can do to stop the abuse (which is really a mindF) is to walk away and have no contact. That's what I've done.

The disrespect, devaluation, lack of intimacy (sex and affection quickly became nonexistent because they are incapable)......all of it was horrifying. 5 years..........I almost committed suicide many times. I was an extension of him and worker for his empire. I was nothing but a slave.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My first thought.... Your title is an oxymoron of sorts! Independence in a relationship? Where do I find one of those!?!

I've always hated the thought of being in a "relationship"...so much that I've never been in an official one. I'll do relationship type things with guys, but the second they want to define it, I tell them goodbye. Up until that point I can escape. I'm not their girlfriend so I don't have to answer to them.

I always think that in a relationship I'll lose my identity. I will always have to do what he wants, be who he wants, etc. Who needs that? (Yeah, that includes sex. I don't think I would have the right to say no anymore, sadly enough.) Its like being in a relationship means you have to have sex. Dear God, I'm so messed up...

 

[Meadowsweet]

Independence, as in not dependent on each other. I don't understand why relationships have to involve dependence.

I keep away from people because I do tend to lose my identity. There does seem to be a lot of expectation in peoples relationships. Always one person critisizing the other because they haven't met the expectation.

I am feeling jaded today, but sometimes it seems like people in relationships enjoy moaning about what a hard life they have because their partner doesn't meet all their expectations. And their friends enjoy joining in moaning about the opposite sex. Because I've been in abusive relationships, I used to take it all very seriously and try to offer advice to help the person change the situation. Eventually I figured it's almost part of the game play of relationships.

I need to understand boundaries, but I don't want to end up being demanding and making dramas everytime someone doesn't fulfill my needs. I want to be happy with someone and tell people how I love the way they are.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Meadowsweet,

You sound a lot like me in that I share the same views and opinions as you.

I am working on boundaries. I am learning to accept others as they are, knowing that no one person can fulfill all of my needs.

I hate to say I'm picky, but yes, I am. I used to think that my standards were too high, but then I realized it was a safety issue. I'm learning to be more open and accepting, but I don't ever think I'll jump into any sort of relationship. I'm fine by myself, unlike many I know. They feel sorry for my unattached status. Sometimes I wish they'd understand that I don't "need" to be half of a couple and I don't want pity!

 

[DMerish]

They feel sorry for my unattached status

When you put it that way, Solara, it makes me think that "attached status" is a disease, lol!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

it makes me think that "attached status" is a disease, lol!

Lol, no, I didn't mean it that way! I just wish that people could see that we're all different. I don't need someone to complete me. (Jerry McGuire makes me gag...!) I'm ok on my own. I understand why people enter into relationships, but too often I see codependency and a fear of being alone---rather than a genuine desire to be with that particular person.

 

[DMerish]

Jerry McGuire makes me gag...! I'm ok on my own.

Ditto! And I kind of like eating leftover cold spaghetti out of the pan standing over the kitchen sink, while nude, and not wondering whether someone's going to come around the corner and bust out in laughter

:laugh: