Relearning to trust

[lutz0660]

My situation is a little different. I was raped by a home intruder. It took months for me to even tolerate being in the same room as my husband, let alone the same bed. I ended up taking a two week vacation to a friends home out of state. My friend helped me vent my frustration without judgment or worry, and forced me to learn how to have fun again. I also took a few self defense classes during that time that helped me gain a little more power and control back in my life. When I went back home, my husband and I went to counseling together where we worked on the small stuff and the big stuff. It was months before we were home alone together, and then more months after that before we even considered physical contact. We had only been married for a year when that happened to me. We have now been married for almost 12 (September 2nd) years. He never touches me without making sure I know it's him and without making sure I'm ok. He respects my boundaries, and we communicate about everything. Now, I look forward to time with him, even intimate time. It's never easy, but it is doable.
Try not to rush yourself. Try to be kind to yourself and to only use kind words for yourself. Try to build up your tool box so that when you feel these panic attacks coming on you can ground yourself and feel safe. Then, when you feel ready, try some group stuff first. If people are asking you questions just know that you get to "paint you own picture"; meaning... you don't have to tell people anything more that what you feel comfortable telling them. And, if they don't get it... they're not worth your friendship.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am just starting the relearning to trust process. It's difficult because the inability to trust period drives my most disabling hypervigilance. My therapist has me starting this process with equestrian therapy. So far good results. But there is always the thought in the back of my mind that I can never trust again like I want to. I am stuck between wanting to trust and doing what it takes and feeling like nothing can change my thinking enough to make a difference. So I am stuck with trying anyway for now.

It's really hard when I had CSA at age 5, CSA/Rape x 4 age 19-20, Gang Rape age 21, and ETOH rape in 2011, added the physical/mental abuse I had at age 19-20. Every new moment brings fear of harm just because its uncertain.

 

[katz]

I’ll be honest.

If they do this, it’s actually a good thing because that means they aren’t cut out to support people like us who are recovering from trauma.

The truth is that is by faaaar better to be alone than to be with people who don’t “meet us where we are”. What I mean by this is that whomever we have in our lives, it’s important that they accept us as we are, where we are, in our healing.

If someone is impatient or frustrated with you? It’s better to say goodbye because they won’t be able to meet your needs.

The good news? There are indeed people out there who have the patience and understanding of a saint! These are the kinds of people to hold on to with all you’ve got.

Where?? I could use some directions! LOL

 

[Tripod]

This thread hits home for me in so many ways. I told my g/f when we first started dating that I had some trust issues. I had also gone to counseling about it and I had been single for 2 years. By my choice. That discussion was easy. And we have been dating for 2+ years with no issues. She was mindful of it and I had become relaxed. I never told her about my PTSD. I figured as long as there was trust and fidelity it didn't need to come up. My PTSD stems from years long childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my brother. It compounded when I got cheated on by an ex. There is a trust breach of a sexual nature by someone close to me. It no longer needed to be my brother. It became anyone that was close to me. I just didn't know this until I got cheated on and went into a PTSD meltdown. Something about coming in physical contact with the person they have had sex with triggers me like being around my brother did. That's hard to manage. Everybody has been with somebody before me. It isn't their fault I get triggered.

So my current G/F did know I had been cheated on and she did seem mindful of her actions. Until one evening recently that she admitted that she approached a previous lover at a bar we were at. She tried to lie about it, then later told me the truth.

I had a terrible PTSD episode. Simply because I came in personal contact with him. As soon as that happened I began to react. I had to go the restroom and puke my guts out.

She isn't cheating on me with him. She did however lie at first and later admitted that they "kept in touch" as friends. It isn't a big deal and I'm overreacting was her defense. Look I can remain friends with ex lovers. Yes you can, but if they flirt with you and you accept it, that sends my trust component up the flagpole. That is crossing my trust comfort line for both of your intentions.

Now I need to figure out how to get the trust monkey off my back and get back to a place of not being on guard with her. It wasn't cheating. She was adamant that there is no interest in him in that way. She just liked the attention. She apologized and said she mishandled it.

She witnessed a 9 day reactive episode. I didn't eat or sleep for 9 days. I was hyper vigilant. I couldn't be around her without feeling scared and threatened. This scared her. This is MY issue I need to deal with. Its not fair to her. I went to my counselor. She said, you need to tell her you have PTSD. She doesn't understand what is happening. Once I told her she read up on it and sees the classic PTSD symptoms now.

How can she help was her concern.

Right now I just need time and care. But she doesn't know what to do.

We went out to dinner last weekend. I went to her house and we were just having a conversation. She took me to measure a closet. It was in her room where they slept together. I started to feel it coming on again. She did absolutely nothing wrong.

I broke out into a sweat and felt it well up inside me. She saw I was in distress and said Are you OK? I said I need to leave. I puked in her backyard before I made it to me car.

She now doesn't know how to help if I get physically ill just be being around her again.

Yes I have trust issues.

I need to figure out how to get this behind us. The reactions are taking center stage and it isn't productive.

Being intimate with her is the farthest thing from my mind. That isn't helping either.

This really sucks!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

My therapists rates my trauma on a scale of 1-100 at 85, she has told me she has never had a client with my degree of trauma, that is such that my situation hypervigilance is 24/7, it controls me, it disables me. It prevents me having any quality of life.
I for years have never been able to just trust, my hypervigilance requires that I can't have uncertainty. And even then I have to have a hand in the situation for feel safer with it. Good news is we are actually having progress with eliminating that hypervigilance with the equine therapy, now I know why they are used with vets. I am changing to, my tendency is to take something as something to be approached cautiously. nothing or anyone is really safe for me. I am actually hopeful for the first time in my life. Imagine that. When I had my 1st Equine session, it was clear I have remove certainty. In the 2nd Session I got knocked on my rump by the horse after the horse being uncooperative because I kept turning back while leading. After the fall to the ground I got right up, but did it right the second time. Walking forward without looking back to see what behind (for certainty) that was a huge breakthrough that carried thru afterwards when I was in PHP, able to do what I could do before in PHP. The 3rd session I had to lead the horse for 45 minutes thru an obstacle course. I did it, and my hypervigilance did not kick in. I expect more big breakthroughs with this. My guarded ways are changing for the better. I thought that would be impossible.

My point is with all this, is there is a way to get back to being able to trust in the same manner as so called normal people.
You just have to find what works for you. That's a tall challenge, it too me 40 years get to this point.

 

[Ronin]

I don't have as many issues with the physical acts as betrayal of trust or choice issues around things.

The how do you cope, by communicating more. If we can't talk, (verbal or not), no dice.

 

[gist]

I know I'm late to this discussion, but I hope this helps the original poster or anyone else facing this same question.

As with all c-PSTD sufferers, I have had repeated trauma in my life, including betrayal of my trust by those who are *supposed* to love me (mom, ex-fiance, etc...). I have also had repeated sexual traumas. It is hard to trust. Period. I remember even as little as 8 months ago wondering if I would ever be able to date again. I have been in therapy for years and was intentionally single for 2.5 years so that I could discover who I am as a single adult and learn to trust and love myself. That time was invaluable!

Getting comfortable being alone and learning to love and trust myself without feeling the need to accommodate anyone else allowed me to heal in a way that my previous tactic of repeatedly trying to date and feel like I could be *normal* didn't. I also used that time to build up a friend network in my location (I had recently moved), so I have an independent life.

A few months ago, my therapist told me that she thought I was ready to date if I wanted to try. I was *super* anxious about it, but I recognized that I trust myself to notice red flags, I trust myself to leave, and I respect myself enough to go at my own pace and set the boundaries I need.

I went on Bumble and met this wonderful man who is currently my S.O. I was really expecting, and somewhat hoping, to have some bad dates with creepsters before I met someone (to further prove to myself that I would leave), but I was quite lucky.

Here's how I know he's a good partner: 1. he is not uncomfortable/jealous/hurt when I set the boundaries that I need; 2. he respects the pace that I need (both physically and on letting him in to know my story); 3. when I trusted him and felt comfortable enough around him to tell him I had PTSD and a bit of why and how that would impact my ability to get emotionally and physically intimate, he didn't get scared and he didn't somehow make it about himself or his needs. He asked me what I wanted and needed when I'm triggered; he asked if it was okay to hug me or if he should give me space or if he should just ask me at the time; he asked me how he would know that I was getting triggered so that he could stop whatever was triggering it/not make it worse. In short, he *cared* and is secure enough as a human being to realize that my PTSD has nothing to do with him and deserves the same kind of compassionate accommodation as a food allergy.

The best advice my therapist gave me: There is no right time to open up about your PTSD to a potential partner. Everyone has their own pace and it may even differ from one of your relationships to the next. Take the time to make sure that you feel safe with and trust the person. Also, know that you do not need to divulge details if you don't want to; it's your decision how much to share, no one else's. If you feel comfortable and ready and want to open yourself up completely to someone you trust in one month, that's normal. If you feel comfortable and ready to open yourself up, but not tell your whole PTSD story, after you've been with someone for a year or more, that's normal too. There's nothing wrong with you.