Relentless Ideations

[hostagesoul]

I think of death often, almost constantly sometimes. I cry so hard I can't breathe, my eyes are raw; I'm anguished. I beg GOD for mercy, for peace, for death. I wake up distraught knowing that I am here another day. I have no social support, no family, no friends and my husband's perception of me is degrading, he unabashadly calls me crazy. I live with chronic back pain, no fluid in my disk. I cannot work, I have no help, and no one to talk to.

I know that if there were a painless suicide method, I would have completed the task by now. I feel as though I am a ghost, not participating in the world, unnoticed, uncared for. I rarely leave my bedroom. I am simply going through the motions of life because I am too much of a coward to complete the task.

I have no fear of death, only pain. The ironic thing is that I am in teriible pain. I am suffering beyond what words could ever express. I pray for mercy, for peace...

 

[xena21]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know those are just words, but that's what I can do right now. Plus I can tell you that I understand the type of suffering that you speak of. Obviously I don't know exactly what you are going through...only you do, but I can relate in ways of my own suffering.

To wake up every day and feel like its starting all over again...like you can only see the black hole of despair ahead and nothing good in sight except for death. I know that part. I know the hopelessness of life, the repetitive feeling that everyday brings like you are just replaying the same movie and living through the same horror every day until mercifully it might come to the end some time soon.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. The only advice I can offer is to try and stay as "busy" as possible. I know by being physically in pain "busy" might not mean active physically, but maybe you could do other things, read if you could concentrate, go on to helpful websites, or research things that you like. You could also call someone when you are stuck (if there's anyone you might trust at all), or maybe journal and write things down. You might take a bath or hot shower, listen to soothing music or books on tape, learn how knit, carve, draw, paint...things like that.

If you are really in trouble call someone that you don't know that can help that is a professional. Unless you have therapist you do see, and then try them. The important thing is to keep yourself safe even though that's not what you really want. I completely understand that. I hope you feel better today.

 

[hostagesoul]

Thank you Xena21. I will try.

 

[safenow]

Hi hostagesoul,

Bless your heart, I know of what you speak. I've been there so many times myself. I'm embarrassed to tell you how many times I've tried to end both the mental and physical pain in my life. I won't go into detail on that, because I don't want to give you any ideas.

I like what xena21 had to share. Being busy does help. When I had to stay in bed 24/7 it took a long time before I could even use my hands again. Being a vegetable sucks big time. I remember begging my aide to give me more morphine than was prescribed, but he wouldn't do it. Then, I was able to move my fingers, then my hands. Once I could that, I was able to work on getting some of my skills back again. Within a year, I could move my body by myself, and that was a great relief, because I could be in the wheelchair again. heck, now, after four years, I'm actually able to walk some.

I suggest you keep coming here and chatting on the different threads. Also, start an online diary and just jot down how you are doing. Also, working in clay is a good way to function and get out frustrations as well. I hope this makes sense to you.

Sorry if I'm rambling. But I want you to know I hear you. If we are online at the same time, just shoot me a pm and I'll met you in the chat room.

Oh. Another thing you might want to try is to go outside. Hug a tree. Smell a flower. Listen to the birds or other animals in your area. Put a chair on your back porch or in the back yard, take a blanket and put it in your lap. Then, just sit and breathe for a little while. Look around and see what you can see. Give it some time, and you will start to feel better. It really does work.

Safe hugs if you'll allow them