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Relationship Anger - Extreme, Damaging & Relentless

M

Martin-in-Lewes

My now ex-partner's anger has been a feature of our relationship. It is damaging, spiteful, illogical, and often crosses the line into psychosis. The last time she started getting extremely angry, for no reason that I could see, she followed the usual pattern of - how it seems to everyone but her - refusing to calm down, taking every opportunity to get yet more angry and actually enjoying the energy of the anger and throwing herself headlong into its heat. I realise that description will probably sound extreme, but it is an accurate picture of what happens. Work betide any mortal man who attempts to soothe her temper at this juncture! It is me who needs therapy. It is me who is wrong. It is me causing the problems. It is me who can't see how damaged, broken, and mentally ill I have become.

The projection is clear. The hate towards me is palpable. The vitriol is pure acid and there to destroy. That I represent the wrong that every man has done to her is obvious. Yet two weeks ago she told me she wanted to marry me.

Even though I left her several weeks ago the vitriolic texts and messages continue to come from her. She accuses me of having new women, of having a hedonistic new life. This couldn't be further from the truth as she has finally put me off womankind for good.

The sad and very cruel punch line to this being I am the only man NOT to have hurt her.

I have finally come to the only conclusion possible; that she will never change. Why? Why, is something I have been asking myself for too long now and it never, never makes srnse so the only real solution I am left with is in Occam's Razor; she does not want to change.

I got out; hurt, wounded, scarred, and in deep shock but at least I got out. She would have destroyed me. My mistake was to care and care again. I should have ran like hell, but love blinded me.

My first question is simply this. Is there any real hope that a person with CPTSD will ever be able to have anything even approaching a loving, caring relationship? Or is the simple answer just a profoundly sad NO? My soul tells me there is always hope but this time I fear my soul has been very wrong...

I would tell anyone who has been in my position; of being mentally and emotionally abused by a partner with CPTSD to get out, to protect themselves, to start a new life!

I am starting to actually hate her for what she has been doing to us/me and it is helping to break the bonds of love. I am a heyoka empath so breaking such bonds is extremely emotionally painful - to the point of physical pain!

I hope this resonates with someone here. Please do let me know if it does as, right now, the world is a very dark and frightening place...
 
refusing to calm down, taking every opportunity to get yet more angry and actually enjoying the energy of the anger and throwing herself headlong into its heat. I realise that description will probably sound extreme,
Sounds pretty normal, IME.

The projection is clear. The hate towards me is palpable. The vitriol is pure acid and there to destroy. That I represent the wrong that every man has done to her is obvious.
Unless it’s a child? I personally don’t tolerate this shit. I’m not …okay… with being part of someone’s learning process on what does/does not fly? But? Sometimes? It happens.

I have finally come to the only conclusion possible; that she will never change.
Even if she did? IME/IMO, Thank fawking gawd, & I hope so for both herself and people in her life, but that’s totally irrelevant to me/my life. As crossing a hard limit? Is. Crossing. A. Hard. Limit.

I got out; hurt, wounded, scarred, and in deep shock but at least I got out. She would have destroyed me. My mistake was to care and care again. I should have ran like hell, but love blinded me.
That happens.

My first question is simply this. Is there any real hope that a person with CPTSD will ever be able to have anything even approaching a loving, caring relationship?
The overwhelming majority… well over 90%… yes, do.

It often takes YEARS …AND… many, many, many partners/ friends/ colleagues that they’ve wronged past the point of no return, to reach it. But? Yes. Most do. Not 51%. But over 90%.
I would tell anyone who has been in my position; of being mentally and emotionally abused by a partner with CPTSD to get out, to protect themselves, to start a new life!
Very strongly agreed. Both as someone who has PTSD, AND who mostly dates/loves people with PTSD.

Google Image “I am not a doormat” and save it. For true.

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People with PTSD? OFTEN treat their partners badly. Which is WRONG. And needs to stop. Full stop.

I am starting to actually hate her for what she has been doing to us/me and it is helping to break the bonds of love. I am a heyoka empath so breaking such bonds is extremely emotionally painful - to the point of physical pain!
That’s fair.

Understanding? Is not excusing.
 
I realise that description will probably sound extreme, but it is an accurate picture of what happens. Work betide any mortal man who attempts to soothe her temper at this juncture! It is me who needs therapy. It is me who is wrong. It is me causing the problems. It is me who can't see how damaged, broken, and mentally ill I have become.
I'm not a supporter, but several things in your post sounded familiar, and I wanted to offer my own perspective.

This anger is one of those things that sounds familiar to me. And the lashing out. I'm sorry you have had to deal with that--although this intense anger and rage is common for some of us, it's still not ok to be abusive in any way toward the people in our lives.
the world is a very dark and frightening place...
I'm sorry. I think you'll find people here who understand and will listen.
I represent the wrong that every man has done to her is obvious. Yet two weeks ago she told me she wanted to marry me.
Yeah...I remember feeling this way at one point. And I still sometimes have those weird and very opposite feelings toward a guy.
vitriolic texts and messages continue to come from her.
So, sounds like maybe you need to block her? You said that you left her, so why are you accepting texts from her? You are allowed to have your own boundaries!
The sad and very cruel punch line to this being I am the only man NOT to have hurt her.
Again, sounds familiar. I had a boyfriend who was the kindest, most caring person I'd ever met, but I couldn't shake the negative stuff that kept coming up in my head about all the men who were abusive.
have finally come to the only conclusion possible; that she will never change. Why? Why, is something I have been asking myself for too long now and it never, never makes srnse so the only real solution I am left with is in Occam's Razor; she does not want to change.
I'd be careful assuming she does not want to change. I absolutely HATE the way I am sometimes, but it feels completely out of my control. After years of working through many of my issues with a therapist, though, all the anger and rage directed at others has greatly improved.

Is she seeing a therapist?
at least I got out.
So glad you did this for you!
Is there any real hope that a person with CPTSD will ever be able to have anything even approaching a loving, caring relationship?
Yep. But it sometimes takes a long time and a lot of therapy to get to that point. And, like with any relationship, there will always be ups and downs.
I would tell anyone who has been in my position; of being mentally and emotionally abused by a partner with CPTSD to get out, to protect themselves, to start a new life!
It's good that you were able to recognize the abuse and are planning to start over! No one should put up with abuse from a partner.
 
It all sounds incredibly painful. And normal for untreated ptsd. I'm sorry for all you have been through.

I would block her. If you aren't ready to do that just don't reply to her. She's looking for a fight. Anything you respond will get thrown right back in your face.

If you feel you need someone to sort this out maybe you should reach out to a therapist. You need support too.

I'm sure you have done all you could to help her but she needs to help herself.

Good luck and take care of yourself!!
 
People may say “ahhh it sounds like untreated PTSD!”……and yes, it possibly could be.

However, I have an intense fighting style and NOBODY in the psych world could see what was going on inside of me. I’ve been through more trauma therapy than most, dare I say, and even here when I vented about needing something else, many told me “well, you are symptomatic so you haven’t truly dealt with your trauma”. This is so incredibly wrong, I don’t even know where to start. It’s as if traumatized people aren’t “allowed” to have other disorders, and everything MUST lead back to trauma…..Never mind the fact that non-traumatized people have plenty of problems (a truth so obvious that’s it’s insane it would be overlooked)…..but I digress.

I’m now in therapy with a new therapist and she is going to help me with my obsessive OCD-like symptoms (this treatment is new so no OCD diagnosis as of now). Why did I never go down this route? My obsessive themes don’t crack the top 10. I’m not afraid of germs, I’m not afraid of being homosexual, I’m not afraid of being a pedophile, and so on. But, the obsessions are there, sometimes 24/7, sometimes I exhaust myself from distracting myself all day long for days on end and then I just crash (I feel a crash starting now actually….)

But back to my point, I didn’t get help with my outward behavior because it was incorrectly assessed by EVERYONE. Professionals would see the behavior and push me into therapy that didn’t help. Not a single one of them actually asked me about what I was experiencing that would cause me to act out. I had to figure all of this out on my own, which wasn’t easy. I have wasted so much of my life because I wasn’t getting the correct treatment.

Your ex could heal and be in a loving relationship at some point, but this depends on her being 100% dedicated to healing and getting the right kind of treatment. If she needs straight trauma therapy it could take years. If she has other things going on, it will take longer. IME therapists are never “universalists” ie someone trained in treating trauma doesn’t really understand OCD stuff so for someone like me, I need multiple avenues of healing.

Am I relationship material at the moment? Of course not. But, I know the beast I’m dealing with, finally, and I’m actively involved in healing. Maybe one day I’ll get into another relationship, but not today, nor tomorrow, or anytime soon.

You are right in removing yourself from the relationship. My ex had plenty of issues of his own, but I also know that my issues were very destructive to the relationship. Once I told him that I was seeking help for OCD like stuff, he told me “I always knew there was something else, I just didn’t know what.” He could see it wasn’t just ptsd or depression (my 2 actual diagnosis at this time).

I know it’s not easy. I know you are in a lot of pain. Don’t lose sight of the fact that things weren’t going to improve unless she got help, and since she isn’t getting help, there’s nothing you could have done to make the relationship work. It would probably be for the best to go no contact at this point. The notion of a couple sliding perfectly into a friendship after a relationship ends is mostly a myth perpetuated by Hollywood. In the real world people need time and space before a relationship shift to a friendship is even possible (and it may never happen).
 
I'm not a supporter, but several things in your post sounded familiar, and I wanted to offer my own perspective.

This anger is one of those things that sounds familiar to me. And the lashing out. I'm sorry you have had to deal with that--although this intense anger and rage is common for some of us, it's still not ok to be abusive in any way toward the people in our lives.

I'm sorry. I think you'll find people here who understand and will listen.

Yeah...I remember feeling this way at one point. And I still sometimes have those weird and very opposite feelings toward a guy.

So, sounds like maybe you need to block her? You said that you left her, so why are you accepting texts from her? You are allowed to have your own boundaries!

Again, sounds familiar. I had a boyfriend who was the kindest, most caring person I'd ever met, but I couldn't shake the negative stuff that kept coming up in my head about all the men who were abusive.

I'd be careful assuming she does not want to change. I absolutely HATE the way I am sometimes, but it feels completely out of my control. After years of working through many of my issues with a therapist, though, all the anger and rage directed at others has greatly improved.

Is she seeing a therapist?

So glad you did this for you!

Yep. But it sometimes takes a long time and a lot of therapy to get to that point. And, like with any relationship, there will always be ups and downs.

It's good that you were able to recognize the abuse and are planning to start over! No one should put up with abuse from a partner.
Thank you for that. She has had much therapy over the years, in fact she had started telling me it was ME who needed therapy whenever she got angry. There were never arguements either, she would just become the 'other' her. She hasn't been in therapy for a few years now. I recently reached the stage where I genuinely thought maybe I did need therapy, and if it was me causing the issues, after all I'm not perfect either, but I work, provide, go shopping (past tense) late at night for her chocolate and other things. As I left I realised that, while I'm not perfect I am not the unreasonable monster that she describes!

Is there any realistic way of living in a relationship with someone like her?

My feelings are no, there is not 😞
 
Why would you want to?
Honest question. What did she bring to the table? If this isn't ptsd?? All the more reason to run. It could be a personality disorder. It l doesn't really matter why she acts like that because it doesn't sound like she wants to change or improve her behavior anyway. It will always be like this.
 
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