Remembering Conversations

[oneday]

I was thinking the other day how a couple of my previous friends accused me of not remembering incidents with them involved although I do remember things they said. I know there are some things I don't remember when under stress but I am sure I have the overview of the situation and always remember the things they did that hurt me. I think it is a cop out to excuse themselves from their bad behaviour. Just would like some thoughts of others who have been through these sorts of issues, it is frustrating that I am not believed when I remember clearly some of the cruel things they have said.

 

[Ronin]

Remind them people remember differently, if you feel up to it.

Quiz them about what they said. You people don't remember it? How come??? I remember every word you said. You don't even know you said it? Liars.

Throw their bullshit back at them. Softer & without emotional connection to it.

 

[Sideways]

I have a really terrible memory, and it never takes me by surprise any more if it comes out in conversation with someone that I don't remember something we talked about previously. And it's not just when I'm stressed, it's a daily occurrence. My head spends too much time being focused on other things.

There's been a couple of times in the past where this problem has caused major major problems with a person. They accuse me of forgetting something critical, or saying something hurtful. And what's my defence? It makes me really vulnerable to that sort of manipulation, because the thing about bad memory is you don't know what it is that you've forgotten. You don't remember what it is that you don't remember.

These days, if I have an important or emotional conversation with someone, I make a point of jotting down the key points soon afterwards, in my journal, my desk diary, hell even on a napkin. The process of making some notes is usually enough to solidify the memory, but it also means that if the issue comes up again, I can feel confident when I say, "No, that's not how it happened", because I'm the one that made a few notes.

People get used to me having a terrible memory really quickly, and I know that even when it's not malicious, some people try and use that to their advantage from time to time. And if it wasn't an important conversation the first time round then, pfft, whatever, let them have their fun. But if it was important, no no no, I've got notes to back myself up, so don't try those games with me on this one.

One day, when my mental health improves, I know that my memory will improve. In the meantime, I adapt the way I operate so that it doesn't cause me too many problems. Some people will take advantage of any vulnerability they can.

 

[Ronin]

Seconding Ragdoll on taking notes.

Also if it's important matters, and there's some trustworthy people in your life? Forward the notes.
Not only I know what happened, but there's a chance someone else knows, or at least keeps my knows secure.

 

[oneday]

Thanks for that. Taking notes is a good idea. I will go and write some up. It's like recording an event for legal purposes, if things get worse. I phoned the local professional clinic for some help to calm down during a flashback not long ago and they hung up on me after one minute even though I did not verbally "attack" them. I have the time recorded on my phone. They were previously also my so called "friends" I was told they had been advised by an "expert" to avoid contact with me and no social contact because they are not trained in PTSD. Yet there is nowhere else to go in the country area I am in except visiting a doctor who doesn't work after hours except for emergency and who is a long drive away. They are required in their job role to deal with both physical and mental illness. They suggested before that I give up my job and go to the city for help and use my savings to live on, but jobs aren't easy to get so how am I going to support myself in the city very long and I cannot get social security if I run out of money and it is not easy to move hundreds of kilometres, that would be even more stress. No compassion at all. I know legally they are required to help in their professional capacity. My T in the city that I talk to, tells me that they have problems themselves with the way they are acting and it is not me. I should walk away and build new local friendships but of course that isn't going to happen overnight. Hence I am here where people understand. Some days I get so angry at how they have rejected me and the cruel things they have said to me, that I feel like taking legal action against them, for not meeting their professional duties, a but I try and be a fair and decent person so I haven't done. In the long term I may end up moving but not until I am able to financially which is about 2 years away. Thanks for letting me rant
Also does anyone have any ideas about how I can stop caring about losing these friends it still gives me a lot of pain!

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's good that these people are old friends and not current friends.

IMHO I think a good friend will take the time to understand how when you're in a triggered/stressed state that memory flies out the window. They won't willfully hold it against you. Of course this goes both ways and if I was being malicious and couldn't remember later (and my bad behavior didn't improve) then I'd fully expect people to react and then ultimately walk out of my life.

 

[Ronin]

Also does anyone have any ideas about how I can stop caring about losing these friends it still gives me a lot of pain!

I'd start with, what do you need them for, and are they meeting it?
Because it sounds they're bringing you a lot of grief, and friends aren't supposed to do that, last I understood friendship.
Hurting alongside them and for them and with them, yes. Hurting because of them? No, not really.

 

[oneday]

thanks Eve, I think a good friend would take the time to understand too and I have 2 close friends who live a long way away but they always are willing to stop and listen and care, as I do for them. I suppose I need to stop and think that although these old friends used to be nice to me they are in reality fair weather friends. It is really hard being alone now where I live I am so terribly lonely but you are right Cashew all they are doing now is causing me grief. When I don't see them I am better than when I do.
When I travel to visit my other friends my symptons improve hugely because I know they are watching my back and will always be there for me. That in itself is so comforting and helps prevent my triggers of abandonment, it helps me feel safe.
Seeing these old friends just brings up stress as they have rejected me so many times for stupid reasons. I know I have never insulted them, they just didn't like the fact that I spent 6 months depressed when I lost one of my part time jobs and couldn't meet my budget I had to live on $3.00 a day grocery budget when in Oz a loaf of bread costs $4.00 and an apple $1.20. I lost use of my car and because I have a physical health problem I had trouble trying to ride my bike to my other job, there is no public transport. Thinking about the lack of compassion of one of them when this happened makes me stop and think, why would I want them back as friends. So thankyou for making me stop and think more clearly about who they really are. Fortunately I now have more hours of work and can meet budget. And thank you for taking the time to reply, it helps so much. May great positive blessings come your way.