Childhood Remembering csa

[cinderellafaye]

This has been a rough week. T is out of town on Spring Break and I remembered some stuff from my childhood that I wish I had not. I am trying to process it. When I think about it, I throw up. I had to leave work the other day because I kept having images of it and was vomiting.
I feel like such a whore. I want the images out of my head. I wish there was some way that I could have them disappear. I know that is unrealistic. I dont want those things to have happened to me. That was not me that those things happened to.
Even though I have been in therapy for a long time, I am just now starting to process my past. It scares me. I think that it will kill me.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Someone else taking advantage of you does -not- make you a whore.

I have to tell myself the same sorts of things all the time.

I have had something similar going on. Until recently I was in denial that I was abused sexually as a child. With the end of that denial came more memories of the abuse, and some of it is bad enough I don't want to dig into it and I've shoved it hard into my mental safe. I am having a hard time though, because my therapist cancelled this week's session, and my brain just keeps throwing so much shit at me, I feel like I'm starting to get really overwhelmed by it. I have pretty much constantly sweaty palms and soles of my feet, this week - some of my main physical symptoms of high anxiety. Things are starting to feel intense. This has been a really hard two weeks for me, for many reasons.

I feel for you, because I'm going through similar things right now : (

This stuff is hard but we can make it through it. If the abuse and torture I received as an adult didn't kill me, this won't either.

Hang in there. I'm having to hang on pretty hard, myself.

 

[cinderellafaye]

@Sweetleaf

I keep telling myself that it isnt a big deal and I just overreact. I really dont know what to make of things and understand what I do remember.

Someone else taking advantage of you does -not- make you a whore.

I have to tell myself the same sor...

 

[Emotional girl]

I just wanted to say you are not alone.I have had a very similar experience over the last week and it is a completely new experience for me and it is scary.
My T has told me that grounding and mindfulness helps during these difficult times especially when you are so raw and confused about this new situation.

 

[Freida]

I dont want those things to have happened to me. That was not me that those things happened to.
Even though I have been in therapy for a long time, I am just now starting to process my past. It scares me. I think that it will kill me.

I've been fighting this since the day I started therapy -- -and the memories just kept getting worse. My T tells me all the time that my fear of my feelings is what is slowing me down - because yep -- I'm afraid I can't handle it and I will either become catatonic or dissolve into a puddle of goo. It's getting a little easier - but it is still a huge struggle. No word of wisdom -- just letting you know it's not just you

I keep telling myself that it isnt a big deal and I just overreact.

It is a big deal and you are not over reacting. make it your mantra - repeat it over and over until it becomes true. (or so they say!)
I was working on a recently remembered situation and asked my T "is this a big deal or am I whining?" Her response - yes. This was a big deal. It sometimes helps just to get someone else's perspective. Of course I can discount her as "just being nice" as fast as she answers but.....

I feel like such a whore

Here's some ass backwards logic for you! That you can say this ^^^^^ tells me that whatever happened wasn't your fault. Why? Because it is a default mechanism we all share. If I make it my fault I will somehow be able to make sense of it. I'm not over that challenge yet ....but I can see the truth when I see others use it.

 

[Mach123]

I was going to start a thread with this title but, since it's already here.

I was bound and having leaves and things forced in my mouth. I don't remember how old I was. This is not something new or a thing I just remembered. It has to do with everything I'm thinking, writing about and doing right now though. There is a thread on codependency that brought this up it was a post about being a kid and wanting someone to rescue me. It also has to do with fawning or freezing or being submissive and everything else as well. It is all about how I am. My hands were tied and I thought I was going to die. I remember distinctly thinking, "My house is right over there and I'll never get back there again." I have no memory of who else was there doing this to me, but I have a sexual memory later on or at some other time of who I think it was. One of the older kids. About three years older? My next door neighbors house is directly across the street and I want to make noise or yell or something but I can't. I can't make any noise.

 

[grit]

I hope you find some empathy for that child, you when you were a child.
I hope you cry for her and soothe her. She suffered a lot and hope you do not reject her too.

 

[Freida]

My hands were tied and I thought I was going to die. I remember distinctly thinking,

I understand this -- and the fact that you were a child just undoes me.
no words...

 

[Deleted member 47384]

Processing your trauma sucks. It's awful, it's hard, and you'll have moments when you think you can't live with it anymore. But unfortunately, these feelings are all part of the healing process.

There's a certain amount of time when you need to just sit and feel your feelings. You need time to grieve for what happened. Try to be gentle with yourself, maybe work out an emergency plan with your therapist.

I'm just barely getting to the point where the memories of my own trauma don't completely overwhelm me. It's taken a lot of EMDR and CBT therapy, and there are still days when it isn't enough. I know it doesn't feel like it'll ever get better, but I promise, with treatment and time it'll start to hurt a little less.

You're really strong for seeking help and support. You can do this <3