Removing Toxic People From Your Life

[Lukie]

Looking to hear other people's advice/opinions. From your experience, when cutting toxic people out of your life, is it better to do so silently and without explanation? Or give your reasoning for terminating the association?

I hate the idea of hurting anyone's feelings, but am tired of making excuses to avoid being around triggering people.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No one will ever understand so it's best to just do it and not talk about it. Explaining things to people gives them a doorway for argument. No, my decision is final, not up for discussion. Screw "hurting their feelings".

 

[arfie]

Except for the part about screwing people (growing callouses?), I pretty much agree with Solara. I don't know of a nice way to do it, and making excuses generally does not hurting any fewer feelings. It hurts my own feelings every time I feel forced to. Even worse, I hate having to remember what I said the last time... Truth is so much easier to keep track of.

In my own case, telling people straight up is not uniformly effective. I have people in my life who wouldn't know a boundary if I posted armed security guards and called it, "The Iron Curtain." I try to let that be their problem instead of mine. When I maintain the habit of honesty, at least I get to save my creativity and memory banks for more useful purposes.

 

[Lukie]

Thanks very much. It helps having other people reiterate what I already know at heart is the solution. Playing doormat and gatekeeper to other people's emotions has led me into some pretty heinous situations. I've acknowledged it. Now it's a matter or confronting old patterns and changing them.

 

[arfie]

Sure glad you didn't use the word, "Just" in that sentence. There is nothing easy or justy about it. Only great value and personal freedom.

Gentle support while you brave the storm. Small steps. Easy does it.

 

[Lionheart]

I let them go silently and without explanation and it worked out well. I would only add that if you cut very many friends out of your life, prepare to move out social isolation, (assuming you isolate as I do), and find new friends, otherwise it can get pretty lonely.

Still, I do not regret my decision to remove toxic people from my life. I have gained a lot of peace, freedom and happiness and only lost a lot of troubling behaviors from other people.

 

[Karen12]

It depends on who they are. With some you minimize and manage the contact, with others you have to let them go entirely. I confronted my parents one last time but I prepared for it for a very long time in therapy. I wrote and rewrote and rewrote what I wanted to ask and say. The therapist and I went over different possible outcomes and how I'd deal with them if they came about. It ended up being the last conversation I had with each. It was a powerful and confirming experience but it also left a permanent hole. I never saw either of them or any of my family or relatives after that. You have to be prepared and willing to live with and around that - the hole never goes away.

 

[Lukie]

@Lionheart777 I've got a few good friends who are basically hermits themselves. We come together every now and then when the urge strikes, then go our separate ways for a long time. I'm glad for those friendships in moments where it seems like everyone else feels entitled to my time and proximity. Once your eyes have been opened, it's really sort of scary how many people in our lives are 'toxic' and unhealthy.

 

[NicG]

It's so hard, but I think it hurts everyone's feelings less if you do your own thing rather than trying to explain to them. Toxic people are very often all about themselves and will try to make the fact that they're hurting you YOUR fault somehow. It depends on the nature of the relationship, but if they're just a friend, withdrawing effort and attempts to connect is probably the best way to do it.

 

[Lukie]

@Karen12 That must have been a really hard thing to have to do. But I'm glad you found empowerment in it. Sometimes that's the catch 22- cut someone out and lose them forever, or continue to live with the cloud of negativity they hold over your head. I struggle with this in my family relationships too.

 

[Whirlwind]

I never saw either of them or any of my family or relatives after that. You have to be prepared and willing to live with and around that - the hole never goes away.

Good point. The first boundary I drew with my FOO resulted in just this. It does leave a hole but it was still the best thing I ever did for myself.

@Lionheart777 Once your eyes have been opened, it's really sort of scary how many people in our lives are 'toxic' and unhealthy.

I'm disturbed by the same realization, I have allowed unhealthy people into my life. Due to my lack of family connections are very important to me and while it is terribly difficult, I feel a need to not just disappear on people, it seems like a cheap trick. With that said, I did my best to end 2 unhealthy relationships and found these friends thrived off of the drama, self induced drama. It was unreal and confirmed my original uneasiness. I finally got rid of them after considerable effort which was I bored them out of my life, I was never available, did the fade out and stopped sharing anything personal with them. Finally they got bored enough to dump me, which was great, and sadly, it was the only way to get rid of them in the end.

Strange experience for me, and I am feeling very cautious with new people anymore.

Good luck, Whirlwind

 

[Karen12]

The first boundary I drew with my FOO resulted in just this. It does leave a hole but it was still the best thing I ever did for myself.

It does leave a hole, which is one kind of price, but the price to remain in contact was much higher. Knowing that makes the hole that it leaves a little easier to live with, as does the resulting self-respect.