Repressed memories or?/letting it out

[Landon]

Hi! This is my first post other than an introduction. I'm not good at discussing emotional topics, even online. So this post might be a little scrambled. I'm hoping to get some insight into this.

A little backstory: I've had a TBI and I've had a hard time recollecting childhood memories. I couldnt recall teachers and friends from below 7th grade (Had my injury in 9th grade). The past few years I've had flashes of memories from childhood, some good, but mostly bad memories (beatings from other kids, dad getting angry, etc). It sucked, but it wasn't stuff that didn't really deviate from what I thought happened. I was able to confirm about a third of the memories with the help of others and the other memories I wasn't able to. Heres where the story begins...

Last year I started having VERY vivid flashbacks of being sexually assaulted as a child. I was doing laundry when it started. Three specific memories keep popping into my head. All of them are about ten seconds long. I can feel every single sensation like I was there. Like feeling cold crisp winter air hit my skin. It's haunting. I feel like I'm in that moment constantly. It drives me even more insane that I see no face and can't recognize the room. I'm currently on Zoloft and that's helping out a little bit. The memory still pops up every single day. A lot of me is purely angry. I've never experienced such hatred in my heart ever. I cant go to sleep without any sort of substance and even then, it would be only for a few hours. I keep shutting down at work and during friend's events. I cant even listen to friends talk about stuff remotely dirty. I want to lay in my room for most of the time. A part of my soul feels gone. I just want other memories to play. A part of me also feels like my mind is just making it up to make f*ck with me. Why would my mind make this up? Wouldnt I remember something this horrific? I havent told any friends or due to fear of judgment. Has anyone ever experienced repressed memories? Do you really believe those memories? Ive been to a psychiatrist, he didn't talk much about the actual flashback, but Im deathly afraid of going to talk therapy. I dont know what I would do if I found out if the memories are true

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry this is happening. I understand the emotional pain it brings.
I had memories come back like that and it brings so much disturbance to life now, and questioning yourself, and feeling our of control, and not knowing what is real and what isn't. It's incredibly difficult.

Added in is the TBI, and I don't know how that impacts.

Talk therapy might help? Just talking through your feelings about it all so far?

 

[Rose White]

Has anyone ever experienced repressed memories? Do you really believe those memories? Ive been to a psychiatrist, he didn't talk much about the actual flashback, but Im deathly afraid of going to talk therapy. I dont know what I would do if I found out if the memories are true

Yes I had repressed memories, but I knew who it was. I had one confirmed and the rest unconfirmed but I had to believe them in order to heal. Grief is scary but it won’t kill you.

I don’t know how I would handle it if I didn’t know who it was. I might try talk therapy just to deal with the feelings associated with the memories if they are impacting all avenues of your life like that. Even if it turns out not to be true, there’s a lot of shadow work opportunities there. Your body-mind is definitely trying to get your attention, for whatever reason it’s time to lean into your own personal mystery, if you’re willing.

 

[Freddyt]

A part of me also feels like my mind is just making it up to make f*ck with me. Why would my mind make this up? Wouldnt I remember something this horrific? I

It's a big part of how PTSD works, the bury it, pave over it and put a guy there saying "nothing to see here - move along".

Ive been to a psychiatrist, he didn't talk much about the actual flashback, but Im deathly afraid of going to talk therapy. I dont know what I would do if I found out if the memories are true

But you need to deal with it, or it continues until you do. As for therapy - that's what its there for - to help you deal with this stuff.

Where to start? the best thing I ever did was learn this stuff, because no matter where you are on the road, learning to deal with this stuff is the biggest help you can give yourself......

The ptsd cup explanation

Nearly a decade ago (2006) I wrote The PTSD Cup Explanation, a simple view of how PTSD causes symptoms in day-to-day life. This article is an update to that original piece. Regardless of the type of trauma endured, the PTSD Cup does not change, deviate or apply differently to your circumstance...

www.myptsd.com

 

[arfie]

"trauma induced amnesia" was my first official psych dx in 1974. no known tbi involved. *simply* deep repression. there's nothing simple about deep repression, but there are no identified physical injuries attached. the big complication in my own case is that there is no way to confirm or deny any of the memories, good or bad, which have since emerged. my trauma was from a child sex trafficking gig which travelled to all 3 of the north american coasts with many stops between the shores. there is no way to know which states which trauma occurred in, much less any of the perps.

to this day, i still do not fully trust ANY of those emergent memories, though i have gained confidence with many of them. i don't believe my childhood memories are reliable, but i can honestly say i am doing my honest best with the information available.

for what it's worth
the more i relax with those childhood memories --unreliability and all-- the more my memory has improved across the board. i believe i am the only senior citizen i know whose memory is actually improving with age. just believing. . . i don't care to do the actual research.

 

[Landon]

Where to start? the best thing I ever did was learn this stuff,

Might be a dumb question... what exactly do you mean learn this stuff? Like reading more about PTSD? Going to therapy? Coping strategies? Whats something that has helped you?

I don’t know how I would handle it if I didn’t know who it was.

That's one of my biggest fears. Also, thank you for teaching me about shadow work. I fell down the rabbit hole reading all about it. It has opened my eyes to other trauma recoveries. So thank you (:

"trauma induced amnesia" was my first official psych dx in 1974. no known tbi involved. *simply* deep repression. there's nothing simple about deep repression, but there are no identified physical injuries attached. the big complication in my own case is that there is no way to confirm or deny any of the memories, good or bad, which have since emerged. my trauma was from a child sex trafficking gig which travelled to all 3 of the north american coasts with many stops between the shores. there is no way to know which states which trauma occurred in, much less any of the perps.

to this day, i still do not fully trust ANY of those emergent memories, though i have gained confidence with many of them. i don't believe my childhood memories are reliable, but i can honestly say i am doing my honest best with the information available.

for what it's worth
the more i relax with those childhood memories --unreliability and all-- the more my memory has improved across the board. i believe i am the only senior citizen i know whose memory is actually improving with age. just believing. . . i don't care to do the actual research.

Wow... what a story. What are your thoughts on forgiveness? Would you want to know any of the perps?

 

[Freddyt]

Might be a dumb question... what exactly do you mean learn this stuff? Like reading more about PTSD? Going to therapy? Coping strategies? Whats something that has helped you?

PTSD Cup Explanation. I have had PTSD 47 years, I have been in therapy almost 4 years and the single biggist thing that helped was reading and understanding how anxiety affects me, and strategies for dealing with it, That's my part in healing. Managing my everyday. Not getting to the point of not being able to function. Thats what this site is about for the most part, learning to deal with the everyday of living with PTSD.

Has anyone ever experienced repressed memories? Do you really believe those memories? Ive been to a psychiatrist, he didn't talk much about the actual flashback, but Im deathly afraid of going to talk therapy. I dont know what I would do if I found out if the memories are true

PTSD especially childhood can be very difficult to treat - even for professionals. Reading and learning about it is one thing but thinking you can hide it away and learn to fix it yourself - you will end up in serious trouble - if not dead. Even for professionals its a difficult and multifaceted problem that affects all of you - not just your head.

Therapists are professionals - walk in the door closes and what goes on in there is between you and them. No matter how horrible or difficult. They are trained to help you. They can spot when you are in or headed for trouble long before you do. They are trained to help if the memories are true. The biggest thing I learned from mine is - until it comes out - it all comes out, it causes problems, and continues it's work, and it doesn't get better, it gets worse if you try to ignore it.

 

[arfie]

What are your thoughts on forgiveness? Would you want to know any of the perps

i don't believe healing is possible without forgiveness. for me, forgiveness is not about the perp or developing a desire to invite her/him to dinner. forgiveness is about accepting that ^it^ happened, i can't rewrite the past and moving on without the bitterness spewing toxins all over my life.

no, i would not care to know any of the perps, if that were even possible. a jane is just a jane. a john is just a john. shit on my shoe is just shit.

 

[Landon]

Hey you all! Thanks for encouraging me to go to talk therapy. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. It's still a struggle, but some progress is better than none, right? EMDR is next. Hope everyone has a great day

 

[Freddyt]

Hey you all! Thanks for encouraging me to go to talk therapy. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. It's still a struggle, but some progress is better than none, right? EMDR is next. Hope everyone has a great day

Awesome to hear @Landon! Dealing with it now is better than later......