Trauma Timeline with Mostly Repressed Memories

[LeiaFlower]

I’m trying to figure out how to do a trauma timeline with mostly repressed memories. Since October of last year I’ve been slowly having memories again about the sexual abuse I went through. Though it only happens when I’m in a completely relaxed safe space. This is mostly achieved by being high on cannabis. But I did have one memory with an old therapist while doing EMDR. My first main memory happened during the time I was seeing this therapist. I don’t know why I stopped seeing her when my body and mind felt safe with her.

Sorry for the sidetrack, but even with the memories I gathered during my high moments it still doesn’t feel like enough. To make matters worse it’s all jumbled. For instance, it’s never this happened at this age, it’s just the memory with rare indicators of age. I only have one known instance of when I stated my age when having the memory. The other one a new episode of a show was airing which made me decipher my age. But I’m uncertain if the abuse happened when the episode was playing, if I watched it before or after the abuse, or if I merely thought about the episode. Nothing is formulated right, and it pushes me more towards this all being false and in my head.

I’m just wondering if it’s even possible to create a trauma timeline with memories that are mostly repressed and with memories that are jumbled.

 

[arfie]

in my own case, it is always possible to create a trauma timeline. the accuracy of my creation is always suspect as new memories emerge and my perspective changes. so much so that i often feel exasperated with the futility of even trying. still, the effort to sort and solidify those repressed memories and emotions seems to go a long way toward finding my serenity in the midst of madness. the best i can do is my honest best with the information available.

 

[Sideways]

Rough sketch. I’m still useless with my childhood. And there’s a lot I don’t remember so I’ve never had more than a rough sketch: like, 4-8 years old …. I can’t really fill in those blanks so well. Stuff I don’t remember *shrug* some people will have much more detail, but I don’t, and that’s okay.

 

[anthony]

This is mostly achieved by being high on cannabis.

Not sure I would trust such memory recall under those conditions. Cannabis is renown for causing false memories and such problems, so accuracy cannot be ascertained.

The best method for memory recovery is to go directly into memories that you do know. That often triggers other aspects. Its like doing prolonged exposure, you start with what you recall, write it down, then start again and write it down with anything new that has come to mind. That type of approach.

I am talking about accuracy and trustworthiness of recall here, not a specific techniques capacity.

 

[LeiaFlower]

the effort to sort and solidify those repressed memories and emotions seems to go a long way toward finding my serenity in the midst of madness.

I’m not for sure if this is what you mean, so please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but solidifying or proving those memories to be real feels like something I do continuously. I go back and forth between whether I believe I actually have trauma or it’s just my melodramatic. And as Anthony later stated:

Not sure I would trust such memory recall under those conditions. Cannabis is renown for causing false memories and such problems, so accuracy cannot be ascertained.

It’s conflicting. I’m not at all saying that anyone here stated that I’m being melodramatic or anything. It’s just a core belief.

I don’t know. In regards to the memories that came about through Cannabis I can’t 100% say it’s true. Though during the episode of memories I remembered more than just the “abuse” there was also places we frequented together as well as movies/shows that were playing. I can confirm by the accounts of others that those other memories are in fact true, that I was taken to those places with that person. And I do have the account of my sibling of being locked in a room with the person while everyone else was locked in a different room. I don’t know. I don’t know if during this high recall there was a false memory then a flood of real memories, or if all of them are real, or even if all of them are false. I don’t know. It doesn’t help that the person denied everything and that they passed a polygraph test. If anything I guess it sways more towards the “abuse” memories as not being true. And it being in my head. I wonder if my mind just made all this trauma up in a way to give an answer to why I am the way that I am. Just a confabulation. False Memory.

Again, I am not saying that anyone stated this. And I genuinely appreciated what everyone said.

some people will have much more detail, but I don’t, and that’s okay.

I resonate with this statement a lot. I feel this expectation for things to be perfect and if they’re not then it didn’t happen. However, for someone with defined trauma to say that they too are in the same boat as me makes me feel less alone.

The best method for memory recovery is to go directly into memories that you do know. That often triggers other aspects. Its like doing prolonged exposure, you start with what you recall, write it down, then start again and write it down with anything new that has come to mind. That type of approach.

I guess I can do this with some of my non high memories. The ones that are least distressing to the ones that are most. The most isn’t of course that severe due to the memory repression. But they still have an uneasy feeling surrounding them. Thank you again for everyone’s suggestions.

 

[arfie]

solidifying or proving those memories to be real feels like something I do continuously. I go back and forth between whether I believe I actually have trauma or it’s just my melodramatic.

in my own case, proof of my trauma, either pro or con, is not available. my melodrama took place coast to all three north american coasts beginning in 1955 when i was all of one year old with an unknowable number of stops and players between the extremes. my quest for certainty was/is only available in psycholandia. given the sinuous nature of human memory, even without the trauma, my logic dictates that a significant number of the details in my head are gaslighted and/or conjectured. proof either direction unavailable.

what i mean by letting those memories solidify is to simply accept and observe the memories as they bubble around my psyche. i then play the odds that the memories which remain the most consistent have the best chance of being factual. the sad fact remains that neither conformation nor denial of those facts is unavailable.

 

[Freddyt]

Sorry for the sidetrack, but even with the memories I gathered during my high moments it still doesn’t feel like enough. To make matters worse it’s all jumbled. For instance, it’s never this happened at this age, it’s just the memory with rare indicators of age.

I have the same. It's part of what Van der Kolk called "the shattered memories after trauma" in his book The Body Keeps Score.

It's very difficult to deal with in many ways as sometimes its not a memory in the way others thing of them. Instead of a "movie" its a series of impressions, bits and pieces. Because its bits and pieces there isn't a timeline - just a series of events. In my case, having both eyes bandaged there were no real indicators of time between events.

Through the whole of what I called "the big blank" after where we now know there was trauma there were two indicators of time - my parents were there or I could hear the nurses talking and playing Stock Ticker on night shift. Add to that being in and out of it because of painkillers and I never realized I was in the hospital about 2 months until my sister told me. Even after that - things I should remember - going home, gong back to school...nada, zip, nothing....

Know it well. Spent 4 years of therapy digging out an event that happened less than an hour after the first trauma. It sat there with lots of things around it that bothered me that we worked on until suddenly - the reason for fears and phobias and a nightmare I always considered a bad dream........