Repressed memories

[I need to heal]

Yes. I had (have) repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse. Then I repressed the behavior I engaged o...

I think I'm still in shock a little & struggling with acceptance on what I have discovered. I moved away from an abusive marriage 3.5 years ago. I focused on healing & through that journey I began to write, thoughts/feelings/impressions would come to me at different times, I knew the only way to heal was to work my way back to the beginning. I got as far as the sexual abuse when aged 10 by a family member .... but I still couldn't heal or bounce back - awful bullying & harassment at work didn't help either. I'd had nightmares/terrors & flashbacks for awhile about a time in hospital when I was 5 - I kept seeing images of awful things that happened to me in my minds eye. I worked in a hospital too & had noticed a few times when walking thru the OT dept that it would trigger massive panic/anxiety attacks & I would see the flashes of light from the dreams. A headache would usually ensue. I couldn't put the pieces together for a long time though. And then a car accident that pushed me over the edge, saw all the remaining 'bricks in my wall' shatter into little pieces - the diagnosis of PTSD saw it all flooding back - I was abused in the hospital by a paedophile who drugged me & took pictures. - it's like an 'out of body experience' - I am the observer watching on, & can see everything so clearly - even right down to the tools they used. I have also felt that there is someone where I work now that links back to this hospital & this time. Almost like they know, but we're waiting to see if I could figure it out for myself. I also know who that person is - of which has now prevented me from being able to work. There is no point investigating what I already have come to know, for it too was over 40 years ago & it's time to let go. The saddest part is knowing how abuse eats away every part of a life, the stolen years of a childhood, the arrest of our development- the trauma that is triggered later in life. This is the insidious nature of this disease - the long term damage that spills over into families. Maybe now I can start to properly heal. Repressed memory was something I knew nothing about until like a flood it all came back. I thought at first I was really going crazy, but I know that my dysfunctions today - relate back to this time & for what was done to me. The worst part is knowing I was sick & in an environment that I should have been cared for. There is a female nurse still practicing today that has battled with this on her conscience for a long time. Maybe it is that, which drives her to advocate for abuse victims today. 'G' gives back.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Mine surface a few months into therapy for the first time. I was 28. I had been depressed since I was 11, but I always put this down to my sensitive soul. I had never in my life heard of body memories or repressed memories. When it first happened I felt bad for "little me" who had to go through such experience, but later on as the memories became more and more disturbing I think I went back in denial. I recovered a very violent flashback few months ago of my being strangled to what felt like death. However, since then I have refused to look back at these memories. They scare me too much. I think in some part of my brain I have come to accept that they are somewhat true, but it doesn't feel like they happened to me. As far as I remember, I had pretty good childhood. Yes there was some emotional neglect etc, but nothing too crazy. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all, a I never ever had any suspicion of this being true. Is it really possible to even forget that you forgot?

 

[I need to heal]

Mine surface a few months into therapy for the first time. I was 28. I had been depressed since I...

It's difficult to know at times what to believe - I struggle with that, but then there has to be a reason why I can see & now remember the things I do. I don't understand how they can be blocked out for so long - but I kinda relate it to childbirth - when asked, no woman remembers the pain they went thru? We hide it away in the recesses of our mind because we only want to remember the joyous moment of holding our baby in our arms - everything else is forgotten in that moment. I think that's what repressed memory does, something that is too traumatic for a young or fragile mind to cope with, so the brain cleverly disguises it & files it away..... until as you become older it knows you are now ready to be shown it & accept it for what it was.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@Snowflake I'm glad I found this thread. Was looking for info on suppressed or missing memories.

I'm currently working through an event during which I fully dissociated. I have no memories of end of the event. I have the beginning, middle and that's it.

I want closure. The relief of pain finally being over. Fear dissipating. I don't have any of that. A close friend was with me at the time and has helped to fill in the blanks from her perspective, but as yet nothing has triggered the missing pieces.

I'm very grateful for her help as I don't have to imagine what the empty time looked like... I just seem to need to find the missing pieces. Sort of finish the story myself. Does any of this make sense?

This has never happened to me before.

Any ideas? Is it better to just try to let nature take its course? Find a way to accept an observer's words...make them my own?

 

[EmmaOwl]

I'm very grateful for her help as I don't have to imagine what the empty time looked like... I just seem to need to find the missing pieces. Sort of finish the story myself. Does any of this make sense?

@stp2012 as someone dealing with rather abrupt recovered memories, I think I understand. I had the opportunity to discuss details of my earliest traumas with my family. Speaking to the person who hurt me, a child who was some years older than me, gave me a unique and it seems to be rare perspective on things.

Though these memories were clouded by time and trauma felt by all, it certainly gave me a ... hmm... a sense of completeness. Compared to many people on here who are missing so much but can never go back, I almost feel like it was a privilege to have any kind of access to these memories and times that were otherwise missing.

I hope you are able to gather your story together. I think I told my story over and over - what I could remember - mostly over a couple of years, in tears to a therapist, all I can say is that it took a really long time but finally I felt like it was enough. I hope this happens for you, too. - I mean, not the over and over tears part, but the part where you feel like it is enough!

 

[EmmaOwl]

I have no memories of end of the event. I have the beginning, middle and that's it.

Oh I missed this part at first , sorry. I struggled with this, also. Apparently I eventually "told" what was happening to me, and that is a memory I have never recovered. For so so long I wished I could remember TELLING. I wish I could remember, not complying with what I was told to do... which is all I have... but that I could remember that I took action to help myself. As with other problems I've had with recovered memories, that has stopped mattering so much... though it does still come to mind at times. It's tough.
It's good that there is someone filling in the blanks for you, though I get it's frustrating to have a version from the perspective of another person... Are you working through these things with a therapist? It sounds like you're doing really well, moving forward.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

It's good that there is someone filling in the blanks for you, though I get it's frustrating to have a version from the perspective of another person... Are you working through these things with a therapist? It sounds like you're doing really well, moving forward

Yes, my therapist is aware. This is relatively new, so we're at the beginning of it all. It was initially suggested that my friend help me by filling in the blanks. That did amazing things to calm the distress of not remembering. Having someone able to fill in accurate information was enough. All of a sudden it isn't.

My therapist has suggested that I merge my own journal account with her emails. That should give me a platform to work with. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now. He suspects that by doing that, it may begin to trigger memories. It's painful to read through it though.

I suppose there is no fixed time for memory to recover. - I'm trying to accept that maybe it won't come back and I need to be thankful that I have a record of what went on during that time.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How did you know?

How did I know it was repressed or that it was an actual true memory? Or both.

I have had repressed memories come to the surface and are now very clear but I want to make sure I know what you are asking.

 

[Alice in Wonderland]

Please help!!!!!
I am new to this forum and this question is also one that I want to know the answer too! I have struggled all my life with depression, anxiety and sleep paralysis. Lately the sleep paralysis is getting worse and then almost two weeks ago I was having a nightmare when my childhood bedroom popped into my head I have very vague memories of lots of my childhood and I haven't remembered my childhood room for years but there it was in all its glory, from the yellow wallpaper right down to the net curtain on the windows (how amazing that this had been stored somewhere in my brain for so long without me having any memory of it) The feeling that came over me was eery and familiar then I started having a sleep paralysis episode and I became aware of a figure watching me from my bedroom door....I know with sleep paralysis many people report sensing a figure or monster of some sort watching them and it wasn't the first time I had the sensation its just that this time I realised it was familair.....it was a MEMORY! I'ts not that I thought the person was right there that morning in my bedroom....its that I remembered them watching me in the past as I slept. As the realisation came over me I had a feeling of devestation in my stomach I realised my suspicions (i have had suspicions about it for years) were true. AND THEN I heard the voice of a male relative speak (I live in a separate country to my family) but his voice was as clear and as loud as if he were right there that morning standing over me. And I realise that this must be a memory too....it was so real and so scary and I have been devestated ever since. Please any insight on this would be greatly appreciated
Thank You!!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Do you any positive memories of your childhood? Birthdays, traditions, favorite toys or a stuffed animal?

 

[Alice in Wonderland]

Do you any positive memories of your childhood? Birthdays, traditions, favorite toys or a stuffed anim...

Yes I definitely do have good things like Christmas and birthday and I remember my favorite toys...i just couldn't say pinpoint an age like I can't clearly remember when I was say six or eight and so on???? And there was periods where as a young child I was terrified to go to bed...afraid of the dark (still am) and had really bad OCD as a young child

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Have you been anywhere specific or interacted with someone - seen a color or pattern that triggered a memory?

For, I'm looking for memories that must be there somewhere and in my case, I want them. I just can't seem to trigger them.