LeiaFlower
Confident
Please feel free to offer insights and tips if you deal with something similar. I would appreciate feeling less alone.
I've been posting on this forum for a while now and never knew about introductions. After discovering it I think it'll be (for a lack of a better word) freeing to release things I've been consciously suppressing as well as discuss unconscious repression. I'm a little wary about posting on here because I'm always scared of family members finding out and of ridicule or disbelief. I had a nightmare last night where I was in my therapy session and my therapist advised me to record our session to finally explain to my family what I've been too scared to say. However, it only lead to my other siblings doing something similar with their therapists so when our sessions were broadcast, they received empathy and support while I received nothing. Not even an acknowledgment of my presence. This core belief of thinking I have no reason to experience current symptoms, and that I'm simply dramatic because others experienced worse prevented me from believing my childhood was anything but perfect.
I don't have many memories of abuse happening to me, though I do have snippets where memories are cut off and knowledge of covert behavior from a particular person. I have a lot of memories of abuse happening to my siblings. I remember instances when my parents were physically abusive. They considered its discipline, and for a long time, I thought it was this due to a culture of a community believing that's how you raise a child. Though my father was the main perpetrator of this abuse, my mom couldn't help directing her anger at the scapegoat she found in one of my sisters. One memory where my dad physically was abusing my oldest sister wasn't much of a memory. It was just sounds and emotions. I simply remember hearing my dad's yells drowning out my sisters' screams. Then I heard a loud bang and I later found out he broke the bed from jumping on her. I was later told from another sister's account that his made choice of discipline was to choke them out as he yelled in their face. I guess this happened in that memory though as you will see from other accounts, I never go out of my way to ask my siblings about their abuse. They usually tell me. I'm always scared to ask about it as well as if anything happened to me. A visual memory I have involving my mom being physically abusive is when I was half asleep in my parent's bed. I woke up to her coming into the room and I pretended like I was still asleep because I enjoyed being carried to my room. I'm not for sure how my sister came into my room but my mom started yelling at her about something. I looked up past the covers and I saw my mom throw a large object at my sister's head. I instantly hid under the covers out of fear of getting in trouble as well. Later learned from this sister that my mother use to use her as a scapegoat. My mother would slap, punch, and hit that leaving bruises on my sister. Despite my sister later telling her teacher and CPS arriving we never were taken from our parents. All my sisters endured sexual abuse from family members. Though one of my sisters mentioned these family members tried to pursue me to do sexual acts, they gave up after a while.
I do have one memory with a family member that cuts off. He was over at his new house after helping his family move. We ate pizza. They wanted to watch a scary supernatural movie but I noted we weren't allowed to my parent's religious beliefs. I was playing with his youngest brother when I looked over and saw him with my sister at a piano. My other cousin was giving me a strange look and I noticed I didn't see his hands on the piano keys. I don't remember what happened after. Though my sister mentioned something about a mattress being pulled out and I was crying when my dad picked us up. That was the last time we were over at their house. Which was a shock because my parents knew about other instances of abuse but continued to allow us over there so I guess whatever happened was something bad enough for them to finally stop us from going there. I blocked out most of what my sister was telling me and my mother about that day.
When I started therapy I started to get an uncomfortable feeling about a previous family friend that used to babysit me a lot. I was over their house a lot, more than my own, yet I have no memories of being there. I just have the information from others that this person was overly protective of me. Where they wouldn't allow me to spend time with anyone else, where I was their favorite child. This included multiple gifts and special outings. When my other siblings were over they were treated poorly. They were given spoiled milk and disregarded. While I was allowed to sleep in the same bed as this person. My sister also mentioned having a lack of privacy when bathing and getting dressed. She would walk in during this time and use the bathroom in front of us.
I know this isn't a lot when it's about myself, and I know the last thing can easily be explained as something more innocent. I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I just finally wanted to share what I've gone through. Even if I went through less trauma than my siblings, I still had to live in an abusive dysfunctional household. I had to witness the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of my siblings. Even if I never went through any of the previously stated abuse, or if I did it was way less compared to others, it still affects me. I'm trying to rework my deep loneliness; negative attachments; emotional dysregulation; shame; fawning and submissive tendencies; cognitive distortions; ruminating and maladaptive daydreaming; emotional self-harm; excessive passive suicidal tendencies and intrusive thoughts; identity confusion, and sexual dysfunctions/aversion. All these things aren't normal. I would love to understand my past and for my memories to be restored though I know that's more than likely never going to happen. I'm just trying to learn to deal with myself and feelings where I don't belong or deserve to exist.
I've been posting on this forum for a while now and never knew about introductions. After discovering it I think it'll be (for a lack of a better word) freeing to release things I've been consciously suppressing as well as discuss unconscious repression. I'm a little wary about posting on here because I'm always scared of family members finding out and of ridicule or disbelief. I had a nightmare last night where I was in my therapy session and my therapist advised me to record our session to finally explain to my family what I've been too scared to say. However, it only lead to my other siblings doing something similar with their therapists so when our sessions were broadcast, they received empathy and support while I received nothing. Not even an acknowledgment of my presence. This core belief of thinking I have no reason to experience current symptoms, and that I'm simply dramatic because others experienced worse prevented me from believing my childhood was anything but perfect.
I don't have many memories of abuse happening to me, though I do have snippets where memories are cut off and knowledge of covert behavior from a particular person. I have a lot of memories of abuse happening to my siblings. I remember instances when my parents were physically abusive. They considered its discipline, and for a long time, I thought it was this due to a culture of a community believing that's how you raise a child. Though my father was the main perpetrator of this abuse, my mom couldn't help directing her anger at the scapegoat she found in one of my sisters. One memory where my dad physically was abusing my oldest sister wasn't much of a memory. It was just sounds and emotions. I simply remember hearing my dad's yells drowning out my sisters' screams. Then I heard a loud bang and I later found out he broke the bed from jumping on her. I was later told from another sister's account that his made choice of discipline was to choke them out as he yelled in their face. I guess this happened in that memory though as you will see from other accounts, I never go out of my way to ask my siblings about their abuse. They usually tell me. I'm always scared to ask about it as well as if anything happened to me. A visual memory I have involving my mom being physically abusive is when I was half asleep in my parent's bed. I woke up to her coming into the room and I pretended like I was still asleep because I enjoyed being carried to my room. I'm not for sure how my sister came into my room but my mom started yelling at her about something. I looked up past the covers and I saw my mom throw a large object at my sister's head. I instantly hid under the covers out of fear of getting in trouble as well. Later learned from this sister that my mother use to use her as a scapegoat. My mother would slap, punch, and hit that leaving bruises on my sister. Despite my sister later telling her teacher and CPS arriving we never were taken from our parents. All my sisters endured sexual abuse from family members. Though one of my sisters mentioned these family members tried to pursue me to do sexual acts, they gave up after a while.
I do have one memory with a family member that cuts off. He was over at his new house after helping his family move. We ate pizza. They wanted to watch a scary supernatural movie but I noted we weren't allowed to my parent's religious beliefs. I was playing with his youngest brother when I looked over and saw him with my sister at a piano. My other cousin was giving me a strange look and I noticed I didn't see his hands on the piano keys. I don't remember what happened after. Though my sister mentioned something about a mattress being pulled out and I was crying when my dad picked us up. That was the last time we were over at their house. Which was a shock because my parents knew about other instances of abuse but continued to allow us over there so I guess whatever happened was something bad enough for them to finally stop us from going there. I blocked out most of what my sister was telling me and my mother about that day.
When I started therapy I started to get an uncomfortable feeling about a previous family friend that used to babysit me a lot. I was over their house a lot, more than my own, yet I have no memories of being there. I just have the information from others that this person was overly protective of me. Where they wouldn't allow me to spend time with anyone else, where I was their favorite child. This included multiple gifts and special outings. When my other siblings were over they were treated poorly. They were given spoiled milk and disregarded. While I was allowed to sleep in the same bed as this person. My sister also mentioned having a lack of privacy when bathing and getting dressed. She would walk in during this time and use the bathroom in front of us.
I know this isn't a lot when it's about myself, and I know the last thing can easily be explained as something more innocent. I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I just finally wanted to share what I've gone through. Even if I went through less trauma than my siblings, I still had to live in an abusive dysfunctional household. I had to witness the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of my siblings. Even if I never went through any of the previously stated abuse, or if I did it was way less compared to others, it still affects me. I'm trying to rework my deep loneliness; negative attachments; emotional dysregulation; shame; fawning and submissive tendencies; cognitive distortions; ruminating and maladaptive daydreaming; emotional self-harm; excessive passive suicidal tendencies and intrusive thoughts; identity confusion, and sexual dysfunctions/aversion. All these things aren't normal. I would love to understand my past and for my memories to be restored though I know that's more than likely never going to happen. I'm just trying to learn to deal with myself and feelings where I don't belong or deserve to exist.