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Responses To Your Therapist That You Will Probably Never Say

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I know this is unreasonable and ungracious :bag: but because I'm very stressed about money and pay for therapy myself, whenever my therapist talks about practical arrangements like holiday plans, I really want to say, "Can't you email me about stuff like that? That just cost me two pounds."
 
I wrote a short 'lifestory', year for year, every year. (It was 21 pages though.. :D ) My therapist wanted it(I didn't write it for him), and got it in his email(I cut it down to 13 pages). I was terrified to meet him again, after he read it. I thought he would have realized what a hopelessness case I am after reading all that shit.. But it went well. But then he said something which is whirling around my head afterwards:

T: Can you feel that you can put this behind you now?
Me: Yeah, actually I'm done with all this now. I just had to write it all down, but now it's all okay.. So thank you for your time. Goodbye!

(I didn't say that; I didn't hear how stupid his comment sounded until afterwards, but I've started to feel some trust at least, since I can at least consider that he probably didn't mean it like it sounded in my head.)
 
When talking about my mom today my therapist/doctor got out her bible (Big DSM for diagnoses) and she read about BPD and felt from her description by me that she met the criteria. As well has nacissistic traits. She read both aloud to me. I think she is right. A lot of the features described my mom. I think she just wanted to point out maybe that I was not to blame for all the crap my my mom put me through.

At least she did not give me a diagnosis. :) I already have one anyway.

We just went over grounding again. She walked me through the relaxational response breathing method again. No dealing with trauma. Just breathing... and now she wants me to do yoga.
 
I've had to go off my pristiq because I'm pregnant, so the past week has been awful.

The worst are the headspins which pull you down to the point of passing out, and then suddenly release you.....makes you almost feel motion sick....and the more tired you are, the more you feel it!

Doc asked me last session how I was doing, and I told him.....he was really, really apologetic, and said "I'm really sorry about those headspins, I know they aren't nice."

Which was kind of nice for him to say, and he told me that if makes me feel any better, he would have done exactly the same with going straight off the medication.

He did mention about the headzaps though, which I haven't experienced as yet, and did ask about them......I kind of got the feeling he was kind of expecting/hoping for those because they are the most common, so if he asks about them next time, I'll ask him why he's hoping for something nastier than headspins for me!
 
So many times my therapist has referred to the first time I was raped as being the first abuse. But I was kicked at, hit, shaken, thrown to the ground, screamed at and hurt and humiliated in so many ways before this(I only remember small fragments and still don't know everything about that) and I really consider those thing to be abuse. Last time he said it was when he had read my lifestory, and said:

T: You forgot to write about the first abuse?
Me: *looking very confused at him* What?
T: Yeah, you forgot to write about the first abuse..
Me: Well I already told you about it(now understanding that he is talking about the first rape), and I don't know exactly what year it was(I only know it was before 4,5 years old).

But I wish I had said:

Me: It WAS NOT the first time I was abused!! Why the hell do you say that over and over again? You referred to the rapes so many times as "the abuse" and seem to minimize the other stuff he and they did! WHY do you do that? Is it because you only find sexual abuse interesting??!


- I will actually ask him about this the next time I see him, but in a nicer way. :)
 
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