Relationship Retired Army Sgt - Recent Rage And Alcohol Absue

[PTSD-GF]

Hi All...

I'm in a relationship with a retired Army Sgt (25 years in the military). He's admitted a few times that he has PTSD and has even talked about going to speak with someone (therapist) but then doesn't follow through. Most of the time, our relationship is fantastic - we live together and are very supportive and loving. We are both in the same industry (IT) and he is a very successful account manager (I'm a project manager) which is how we met. I noticed after a while that he would binge on alcohol sometimes. Maybe every 4-5 months, he'll have a very bad night with rage and anger and belligerence. Then the next day, all would be better.

Recently, he has gone through a lot of changes - we moved to another state back in the summer, he got a new job, his son has moved away, and now he's having problems with his manager. Since he's felt so much stress at work, the drinking over the last month has been really bad. Binging until he can barely walk. High risk behavior of driving while drunk which he is COMPLETELY against when he's "normal". Last night he had an argument with his new manager and it went very badly - yelling like he was a drill sgt (he was a drill sgt in the Army). Then he drank all night long. He's been belligerent, mean, nasty, slamming doors, screaming at me, saying he's moving out, blaming everything on me and basically saying that our entire relationship is just "not working" and that I'm the cause of it. It would be hilarious if it weren't so hurtful and scary because our relationship, when he's not in a binge/rage like he has been intermittently over several weeks, has been totally fantastic.

Could someone give me some insight into this behavior? Is it because of all the changes? Does that trigger the PTSD? Is the drinking him trying to numb the anxiety? Why is he SO hateful? Why did it get so much worse and I don't know what to do at this point. Leave? Try to get him help? Let him go? Try to save things?

 

[Seeking]

Welcome my darling to the roller coaster ride of your life. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You are not alone. I would encourage you to read more posts on this site. That was the advice thar I was given when I first came on the site. I've learned so much and I'm sure you will too. To answer your question, from what I've learned yes, change can trigger PTSD to act up ( that's my way of saying it's rearing it's ugly head ). Blaming you is or shall I say something that they do. My retired combat vet isolates whenever triggered. His triggers, and I'm still learning, are change, which is stresssful. Also, for him he can't handle me being too emotional. You will learn as you live :) I'd say be patient, pray and buckle up. God Bless! !

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep... I'd think the changes were the root cause.

Change = stress. Stress is not PTSD's friend. Alcohol is a coping mechanism for dealing with it all, albeit a bad one.

From what you've written, he hasn't been very symptomatic. Lashing out can be a common stress response for vets, especially since they are trained to fight in fight or flight situations.

 

[PTSD-GF]

Thank you so much for your replies. It definitely makes me feel less alone. A few other things to note that he's said/done lately (it was hard to note everything in that initial post):

1. Says he can't live with other people (he's been living with me for over a year) and he should be "living off alone, by himself somewhere"
2. Says I'm the cause of his anger and that I need to admit that I'm not perfect either (I've never said I was perfect and always apologize for anything I might have done that wasn't good but, frankly, it's pretty damn little that I actually do that's wrong. I'm a pretty Type B personality and a lot rolls off of me). He, on the other hand, rarely apologizes and seems to think he's entitled to be a jerk because he's "dealt with so much crap that you can never understand".
4. Then he says that I deserve someone better than him and he won't subject me to him anymore - that he's meant to live alone and be alone because relationships don't work for him.
3. Has been making fun of my Art Degree today and this past week - which is really stupid and crappy of him. Where is this coming from? It's just ridiculous. Yells from the other room that "oh I see the garbage bag hasn't been put into the trash can again. Too bad I don't have an ART DEGREE so I could figure out how to do this. Oh...wait...you DO have an Art Degree and you NEVER SEEM to do this" (I change the trash bag 95% of the time, but that's rational thinking and he wants none of that. We both carry our own weight in the house - it's usually a non-issue and we don't fight over household chores)
4. Says he's leaving in a week. Then says 2 weeks. Then says he'll leave all his stuff. Then says I'd better find other stuff to replace what he has here because he's not leaving anything.
5. When I'm quiet and won't engage, he comes over and sits in front of me and just stares at me with what I can only describe as menacing look and won't relent until I finally say "What? What do you need? I'm just sitting here" Then he proceeds to lambaste me more on phantom "issues".
6. Slams doors CONSTANTLY.
7. Throws things (not near me, but still) in the other room. Nearly broke a plate and when I calmly said "Please don't slam my things" he said "I WILL SLAM THINGS WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT!! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH HERE? i DON'T THINK YOU DO".
8. Last night (he'd had a lot to drink), I got mad when he invited both dogs over to the couch and their tails wagged and knocked over a bottle of wine. I'd asked him not to do this but he did it anyway and I lost my cool for once and got mad. Not super mad, mind you, but normal, standard, annoyed mad. Well you would have thought that I'd pulled a knife on him. He lost his MIND saying how this wasn't his fault that the dog's tail knocked it over and he's so sick of my crap then he jumped up and continued to scream at me while he put on clothes to go out. Which he did for 3 hours - - took an uber car to a bar and came back majorly drunk. It was SO baffling because before I DARED to get annoyed about him inviting the dogs over, things were so normal and calm and loving. Then I did ONE thing that was slightly annoyed and he just lost his ever-loving MIND. Meanwhile, he can scream and yell and flip out constantly lately and I'm just supposed to take it. It's one of those things where, if he were in a normal place like he usually is - asymptomatic - then it would have been a slight annoyance on both of our parts, then we would have laughed and moved on. But when he's like this, it's the WORST THING EVER and his entire night is ruined and now he wants to move out. Insane. INSANE.

It's like Full Metal Jacket on Steroids.


I'm trying to be patient but this is the worst that I've EVER seen him with this. He's finally asleep on the couch and sleeping hard - snoring up a storm and I'm relieved. I don't want him to move out but at the same time, I don't want to live like this on and on either. Not to be full of myself but - - I'm a really good catch, and I just don't deserve this treatment nor do I want to put up with it forever. Life is too short to be around this degree of toxicity. By the same token, though, I do love him very much. And like I said, when he's a-symptomatic and just having a glass or two of wine a night, he's so wonderful that I forget this "Mr. Hyde" exists. So it's easy to let down my guard so when this asshole appears again, I'm blind-sided and can't find the man I love in there at ALL.


Sorry - I'm just venting and don't know what to do. I have no idea if he's serious about moving out or what is happening.

Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and replies. They mean a lot.

 

[dulcia]

I have also heard
#2
#4
#3 (a lot)

 

[dulcia]

Heard them from my retired sgt ;)

 

[PTSD-GF]

Annnnnd he just got fired from his job. For "insubordination". This was a really good job too. He got into a "drill sergeant-like" argument with his younger manager last night (who is, admittedly, a jerk) and while he had very good points, the way he EXPRESSED them came across as well....like a slightly insane retired drill sergeant. He is fully capable of playing the corporate game - I've heard him. But something has tipped him over hard in the last few weeks and I knew it could go either way with whether they fired him or not. This younger manager just can't take the "man to man" communication that my boyfriend is known to dish out and it absolutely would be over-the-line in many corporate spheres, but the other jobs he's had have had a political environment that gave him some latitude. Not at this job by this guy. He's never been fired before. This is going to be very rough. He mentioned, again, that he'd be out of my hair soon. When I said maybe I could just go to a hotel tonight and give us some space while he deals with this (since he's been talking about leaving for...oh...a week AND all morning), he said "Just great. The day I get fired you want to leave me here alone".

I just can't even. I can't EVEN anymore. He is painting himself into a corner and I swear it's like self-sabotage. He's COMPLETELY impossible right now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sounds familiar... what is it with making fun of degrees/colleges?

 

[PTSD-GF]

Sounds familiar... what is it with making fun of degrees/colleges?

My theory is there's anger that military background isn't recognized as being synonymous with college in the private job market like it should be. Which I also think is crappy because the experience achieved in the military is just as-good-as or better than a degree in my opinion. But it seems to be a real hot button with him when he gets tripped off. And to imply I'm inferior because of my college degree is BS too.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Maybe... mine was an officer and has a degree too. He still does it. Maybe it's a civilian bashing thing.

 

[Sighs]

Hi there!

I'm actually chuckling because it all sounds so familiar. Which is not to say it's funny in the least.

I have experienced each and every item on your list. The door to our laundry cupboard is broken as is the top drawer in the kitchen. My degrees are constantly ridiculed (eg: I didn't realise that civvy unis did lobotomies on all students like they do at the military college.) I am often told my tone of voice is aggressive (but apparently screaming, swearing and throwing things is not?? at least when its him that's doing it...)

Hugs if you accept them!

 

[Sighs]

@Sweetpea76 - mine was an NCO and always says he "only went to Year 10" but somehow ignores all the qualifications, courses, diplomas etc he did while in the Army... :rolleyes::banghead: