Returning To Work

[tvorsky]

Hello all,
I don't know if this is the proper place to put this message; I'm not very experienced with blogs or forums or threads ... but I just have to say that finding this site just a few minutes ago and reading some of the messages on it has come as a tremendous relief. Wish I had discovered it seven months ago when my PTSD started. Finally, a group who GETS IT.

I have a question for anyone who might be able to answer it. My PTSD stems from being ordered to the scene of the fatality of one of my co-workers last November. It has been a long road back to something like my previous healthy state, and I'd be glad to share any insights I may have gleaned through this process or answer any questions anyone has for me.

I had been cleared by my personal physician and also my therapist to return to work back on May 9. But my appointment with the company doctor (a physician not a psychiatrist) who will make the final assessment is this coming Tuesday, June 30.

I thought I was recovered, but a week or so ago I tried to go back to work just to stop in and say hello to the folks, and before I could even get out of my pickup I suffered one of the most severe panic attacks to date. A great deal of my recovery thus far I have attributed to the daily practice of meditation, and after this last panic attack, through meditation I have come to the conclusion that there is no possible way that I can EVER return to my job, which is at a railroad, an inherently dangerous occupation. I feel quite at peace with this realization, but fear that the company doctor (who is paid by the company to put employees back to work) will not take into account my recent panic attack associated with the work place, and will just order me back to a position where I know my chances of relapsing into severe PTSD will be about 99%.

How can I impress upon him that I am not ready to go back to work and will probably never be able to?

I feel like Yossarian in Catch-22, where if I say I'm not mentally fit, he will interpret it as me being mentally fit, because someone who is not mentally fit would not be aware that they are not mentally fit.

The easy answer is to just quit my job, but my PTSD was a work place injury and it just doesn't seem right forefeit my disability benefits and medical benefits (which are indispensible right now) for a condition that, quite frankly in regard to me being ordered to the scene of a fatality, came about as a result of gross mismanagement by company officials.

I would be interested in any thoughts about this.

Thank you.

 

[evergreen]

Tvorsky,

I just joined today too, hello. :) I understand what you mean when you feel that if you state you are not mentally fit, they won't believe you because if you were mentally unfit you would not know it. That is what makes this disorder so complicated. It is like we split into parts, and can feel many things at one time and see things in different ways at one time. However, our bodies are reacting the way it wants to.

I suggest going back to your therapist and personal physician and tell them what happened. Explain how you feel regarding the fear of work along with your humiliation of feeling that way. Explain the conflict and how it is effecting you. Do the same when you visit the company dr. It is ok for these feelings to come up, and I know how painful and scary it is to verbalize them to anyone...but it is important to reveal all the ways this is effecting you.

Peace, Evergreen

 

[purplejaz]

Hi Tvorsky and welcome!
I haven't worked for the past 4 years and prior to that I worked until I collapsed and was diagnosed with PTSD and found out I had used work as an avoidance of my real issues. I consider going back to work on a regular basis and sometimes even submit an application. Then reality sets in...I was a hostage in an armed robbery, and to even imagine being in a situation with a customer who could turn on me or working with people in a human services capacity scares the shit outta me!
I know for many people they find voluntary work a help but I just cannot trust society. I do voluntary work by computer at home where I'm safe or can control my situation. My brain is still active and I am willing to work and would much prefer the money versus the disability pension but at what cost emotionally?
Good luck with your assessment and don't let the work paid Doctor take over your situation. You were the one who went through the trauma not him/her. No-one else can ever tell you what you should or shouldn't feel.
Take care, Jaz

 

[tvorsky]

Thank you Purplejaz,
That line about not letting the doc take over the situation really empowered me, brought back a sense of control that if I don't like his assessment I can simply tell him that he can't tell me what I should or shouldn't feel and walk away.
Thanks again. Hope you are having a good day.
Thank you Evergreen as well. I did see my doctor again last Friday and told him about my latest panic attack, but I'm not sure if his notes will be forwarded to the company doctor in time. I will do my best to explain to the company doctor how I am feeling, but I feel like the mother-to-be in one of the first scenes of Monty Python's Meaning of Life when she asks what she can do and the doctor tells her "Nothing dear, you're not qualified." Seems like these company doctors don't care what the sufferer thinks, only what the people with 14 years of college who are treating the sufferer think. But I'll try, and leave no doubt as to how I'm feeling, as I feel right now like I will probably have a panic attack right there in his office if he tries to send me back at this time. Peace back at you.
Tvorsky.

 

[blackdove]

Hi there. yes I can see the dilemma of trauma and also the money issues. I have been battling to hold my job for the past 3 months. Have used all my sick and annual leave and am going on unpaid leave for the next 2 weeks in the hopes that an anti-depressant will stabilize my moods - I have internal anger, bad and spontaneous decision-making and panic/anxiety that is linked to it.

The only reason I am trying to hold onto my job is for the co-workers. I like the smoke times before work and the comraderie. In my opinion, having mental connections, even if it's just a co-workers inside joke, is a really good way to have a focus other than myself and my issues. Work for me is a nightmare of fighting off taxis, meetings, work cars and anywhere I feel trapped but the benefit of co-workers is worth the battle.

I suggest being totally honest with your manager about how you are feeling and then try your best and they will just have to deal with the fact that you are not going to be who you used to be. But, there will be new, probably more compassionate, parts of you that will make you a better employee in other ways.

Go for it! Don't worry about who you used to be.