Rising, Healing

[Viosinger]

Some days I feel like I'm getting to know the disfigured creature in the mirror. I know I'm not the one who caused my experiences, but I know that they left me with so many scars that people don't see. But I see them.

 

[Viosinger]

The the last month or two, my boyfriend and I have been really re-focusing on health and fitness. Amid this, I am finally giving some love to my long neglected heavy bag. Amid my business, I forgot what a joy & release I find in Muay Thai. :-) post-workout glow.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Did you draw it yourself? I had that experience once.... where I seriously saw the devil through my own eyes. To me, it was extremely scary. Maybe you were already on here for a while, but welcome to the forum anyhow. :)

 

[Viosinger]

@Radise I did. I drew it last night trying to journal & feeling lost & lonely & frustrated... Which led to internet searches for a support group & MyPTSD. I'm so glad I found it.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah it's a great forum :) It's my third year here and there's been so many moments at which it has helped, or challenged me. I was wondering if you really saw that image in the mirror. Weren't you scared?

 

[Viosinger]

I've never literally seen it in the mirror. I've had dreams of similar things, but mostly... It's what my emotional/internal self-image looks like, as though if I turned myself inside-out, everybody else could see what I feel.

I'm not sure how I would handle physically seeing it, It must've been so frightening!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I think maybe it's just that part of myself that I saw. Like all my anger/resentment towards the past combined into this one horrible creature. I looked away really quickly ;)

 

[Viosinger]

Ha! Probably the best course of action.

 

[Barconian]

Some days I feel like I'm getting to know the disfigured creature in the mirror.

Paint the mirror black... Then you can't see the disfigured creature in the mirror, you can only see the sole within the creature :)

 

[Viosinger]

Crazy week. I had a good therapy session... It was the first time I'd ever cried a ton with this therapist. After a big break-down last week, then finding my PTSD & changing the day I have my therapy so it's not such a stressful/ long day.

But with a breakthrough week, it seems memories have surfaced as well. For the first time in a long time, I could clearly hear the voice of my rapist in my head & briefly could see his face (in a memory that somewhat randomly surfaced).

Then last night, I had to have some tough honesty with my boyfriend. We were browsing shows to watch... And while it's tough to turn down shows that may be interesting, there's a lot I know I can't watch just before bed. We settled on starting "The Good Wife." Pilot was great. Episode 2? Rape victim. I had to ask if he minded if we skipped an episode. He didn't mind at all, but quickly seemed agitated as he was cleaning up around his apartment. I immediately thought it was me... And how my past is difficult and presents such limitations. How difficult I can imagine it is on his end that intimacy is such a day-by-day variance for me.

We talked when we got into bed... Turns out he was grossed out that at the end of a container of Clorox wipes since they were super soggy from being completely immersed in solution. Ha!

 

[Viosinger]

I woke up to find my bedroom door open. I have to close all the doors/windows in a room before I can sleep. It is just my dog and myself home... The front door is stilldeadbolted, patio doors are locked. But I'm freaked out.

 

[Viosinger]

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. I can make it through today and into the loving arms of my boyfriend. I can do it. One more lesson to teach, a rehearsal, then home.

Full day of panic, pain, freaking out. Because of a stupid door. A f*cking door.