Rising, Healing

[Viosinger]

I'm awake. I'm tired. I feel lacking. What have I accomplished in the last week? Wtf? My sleep pattern is screwed. It's probably my fault somehow. I need to get my life in order. I WILL have a life. I will have order. I will be something.

 

[Viosinger]

Ha! A month, nearly exactly. And I'm back to the same sort of moment... I guess the good news is that like someone commented on here a while back, the periods between crashes seems to keep growing.

 

[Viosinger]

It's hot out. My dog is panting from the heat... I'm running my AC to help cool it down. I'm having wine. I don't know what will happen. My boyfriend moves in at the end of June. The sane part of me is so excited. The rest of me is so scared that I won't have the space for these crashes anymore... I know he knows they happen. But this is it. He'll see it all, he'll know it all. He'll see just how broken I am. 2 years in, he's seen some pretty bad moments. He warns me if he knows there's a rape scene coming in a a show he knows I watch... He'll turn off a radio show or change a channel if need-be, and is fine leaving it at that. The last 6 months have changed a lot in how much he knows, how much he's seen, how much I've told him. I'm just so scared that he can't love me if he sees weeks like this happen up-close and in person every night instead of just a few nights a week. To live with family or roommates, there's still some modicum of space to fall apart by myself. But with a lover, a partner, a boyfriend... it's different.

 

[Viosinger]

I'm exhausted. I'm hoping it will get better. After a huge, extended brewing disagreement with my boyfriend came to a head, I spent all of yesterday so stressed I could barely function. Today..... I feel better. Things were talked about & resolved. But I'm sad that now I have a second day of work shot because I'm too tired to fully function.

 

[Viosinger]

I guess I made it longer this time around. Back to tired. Back to empty. Back to feeling lonely when with my boyfriend. I feel like I can't do anything g right with him lately, even though I'm desperately trying.

 

[Viosinger]

We're getting better at communicating, but I don't think he can ever fathom how much his reactions to frustration or annoyance kill me. He just goes silent. Doesn't want to look at me, touch me, be near me. I guess I have a track record of feeling abandoned, unimportant, unnoticed.

 

[Viosinger]

Had a binging marathon of Mad Men. Figured out as my mood went down and down and down that it's a show I should only watch in moderation. It gets to me. The male dominating culture. The multiple rapes or advantage-taken situations that happen, the general tone of the show.

My boyfriend hates all the characters, thinks they're all terrible people. I relate to most of them in some way or another. Maybe that's my problem with it, is feeling too much in the shoes of the people involved. Idk. Hoping to get my butt in gear and accomplish much more today than I did over the holiday weekend.

 

[Viosinger]

This week has been one challenge after another. My car needs a new engine. I don't have tons of money set aside for it. I was rear-ended while in a rental car while my car is in the shop. The good news is that the rental car was paid for by the dealership. But I still had to spend another $75 on a doctor's visit and prescriptions for pain after the accident.

I had my first physical in years, and found out I am prediabetic. My boyfriend is on a kick where he wants to go back to being mostly vegetarian, which is all good and great...but this means a TON of new dietary restrictions, and lean proteins are going to be really important for me. I can't rely on carbs to fill out my diet. And I'd like to eat more than just vegetables and beans.

I have dental work that needs to be done. It's not as bad as I had worried it might be, but it was also my first time back at a dentists office. The last time I was in one was horrific and traumatizing. The dentist at that time gave me some novacaine and I had to hold myself down in the chair sobbing in pain while he ground the teeth against their sockets. This dentist was very very kind, gentle, understanding with my terror being back. It was more difficult than I thought it would be.

The worst part about the whole experience hadn't been the pain, though. It was getting home to hear my mother snark at me that she knew that dentist would be painful, and that if I hadn't tried to be independent, she would have eventually made an appointment with a more gentle oral surgeon... but she openly let me go through the most painful experience of my life to punish me.

I'm exhausted. I'm done. I'm so worn out right now.

 

[Viosinger]

I don't know why I ever expect more from my family. There's no space for anything to be about me. And no one will ever apologize or convey any sense of wrongdoing in my childhood. I'm simply not up to par in their twisted, self-centered rules.

 

[Viosinger]

This is the first week in a long time that I'm counting down until I can see my therapist. I feel like my problems or frustrations this week just aren't allowed to fit into the thoughts or lives of those around me, and that's tough.

 

[Viosinger]

Things I'm learning: fitness is important, and while I used to hate routine, keeping one is a big help. Otherwise, once everything starts falling apart, it all just goes to hell. I'm more fragile than I ever would have admitted to myself. But I'm learning I'm also getting stronger by admitting that simple fact. I am not invincible. I cannot muscle my way through every problem by making my walls higher and hardening my heart to keep from being vulnerable. Instead, learning to trust and to be at least a little vulnerable to others, to give them the chance to be there for me instead of being so sure that they'll disappoint me. I'm learning that my life does not have to be an endless competition with everyone around me.

Perhaps the biggest part of this is learning that I don't always have to win, I just have to keep getting up. I just have to continue putting one foot in front of the other again and again and again. My progress may not be the fastest, but it will be consistent. I will keep moving forward.

 

[Viosinger]

So... Routine has been difficult to nonexistent. I guess I'm back again. But this time... It's not entirely me. I'm trying to leave him space to struggle with his own stuff, space to be tired or cranky or just plain human. Thinking back to when he took on a second job is probably the last time I felt so far away. I can't seem to say anything right, do anything right. I try. I'm trying.

But this time around, it's not stopping by for 5 minutes to see him at another job, or handing him a drink while he soaks his muscles and showers the remnants of work off his body. We live together, we work very different schedules. He leaves at 6-6:30 am. I leave for work at 2:30 pm. By the time I'm getting home, he's exhausted. I'm awake and would like to interact. But it seems lately to be met with annoyance.

I even saved bits of my day to tell him when I got home. He's expressed how he's rather hear tidbits in person rather than by text. 2 fun tidbits from my day and he's not the slightest interest. I'm hoping tomorrow gets better for both of us.