Rising, Healing

[Viosinger]

I haven't been here in a while, which is a good feeling because I haven't felt like I've needed to be talking about my experiences as much. The holidays and then a new year with renewed schedules and plans for health, weight loss, and organizing my life have also kept me pretty busy.

In 2 days, I'll have what I'm 90% sure is my last therapy session. Possibly not forever, but for now. It's a big step, about as scary as starting therapy for me. I feel optimistic, but frightened about the possibilities if I can't make it without that outlet each week, the safe place to talk about difficulties (though challenges have been getting easier to handle. Not because the challenge has changed, but I've spent a year working on how I react and am seeing big differences in the energy and time spent in downward spirals).

Fingers cross, and off I leap.

 

[Viosinger]

Whenever my boyfriend is gone, I turn into a workaholic. It seems to be okay, because when he's gone he's working a long week and we're both tired by the time he returns, but I know he worries since my sleep schedule changes so much and my focus on my to-do list becomes laser-like. Since I run my own business, it's rarely a bad thing. It's just... interesting. I can see how my life as a business owner might be incredibly different if I weren't in a relationship. Maybe growth would happen faster, but I know I don't desire to trade the economic growth for my relationship and the limited time we get to spend together with our different work schedules.

 

[Viosinger]

It's been difficult lately. I left therapy (sort of graduated), but am welcome to call and make an appointment if I need one. I know not having that weekly outlet may be part of it, which is where this community will come to be a bigger part of my life again, because.... well, say rape or PTSD to most people and it's like you just told them you've massacred thousands of people, the reaction is that they just go blank, and try to quickly move the conversation onward or end it. Even people close to me who know about my history don't exactly enjoy my symptoms or recovery as a great topic of conversation.

I've been tired and stressed. I feel lonely, and don't know if I have or see friends who are in similar points in life. I run my own business, I've never had large amounts of money, I'm in a good relationship, but (despite what people in the southern states of the US think I should value) I'm not in some insane rush to have a ring on my finger. We've talked about it, it's definitely where we're headed, but I don't think I HAVE to also manage and afford a wedding RIGHT NOW to make other people happier. (his family doesn't like that we're living together, which means we're openly living in sin).

Amid all of this, my friends are all getting married, buying houses, settling into cozy teaching jobs or nannying positions. It's all well and good, but I work 60 hour weeks, am trying to train to run my first 5k, actually enjoy my relationship and try to prioritize time with him when I can. Then I still play 2 shows a week as a local musician. It's a lot. I know with me it'll probably always be a lot, I've never been very good at staying unoccupied. But when something comes up (allergies for me and a sick boyfriend milling about the place), it just kicks me hard because I've got so many plates spinning, I wind up feeling as though I'm scrambling to keep up.

 

[Viosinger]

Sometimes I forget that when I fall apart, it's not always some personal failure. It's not because I'm not strong enough or smart enough or determined enough. Sometimes, it's my brain.... my brain which has been re-wired by trauma and abuse, and those circuits and habits don't come undone overnight. It's a process. I'm trying to think of it like practicing the violin... that most of the my time will include mistakes, and that once I get it, it'll be there forever but I'll move onto a new piece, and unending process. Then there's always the need to pick up and old piece and polish it back up again, like fixing a rusty bike.

I'm so tired. I'm so unfocued, unmotivated. I'm back to wanting a week to disappear and sleep and do no thinking at all. But I have a life to live, a relationship to contribute to, a dog to tire out, a company to run, and weight to lose for the sake of my health. I have to keep moving, but I really don't want to today. I want to stop. I want to rest. I want to fall apart for a while and the come back together whenever the pieces find their own ways there.

 

[Viosinger]

I slept in again today. I know I didn't set an alarm, but still. Usually my body runs on an 8-8.5 hour sleep cycle naturally, which I enjoy. Last night I was closer to 10 hours. I don't like feeling like I've wasted that time, but I also know that I'm tired, that my brain isn't working right and that maybe the extra sleep is good for me. Maybe it will help, or maybe it's just hurting me more to let myself doze back off into bizarre and sometimes horrible dreams. I seem to dream the most when I've already woken up and doze back off.

 

[Viosinger]

I may not be accomplishing on the levels that I wish I were, but I'm getting little things done... ordering items for my boyfriend's birthday party, scheduling the dog grooming, etc. I want to be working more on my fitness today, but I simply don't have the energy right now.

 

[Viosinger]

I finally figured out the trigger the last few days by reading this journal. Paczkis. I'd completely forgotten they were linked to my rapist. I didn't eat any, but every Mardi Gras I can't help but think of them, since it's such a big part of the holiday back home.

Also, remembered today that I have gaba pentin (sp?) for a reason, and took one, which helps take the edge off of the anxiety & such.

Damnit. Stupid jelly donuts is what freaked my brain out this week?!?! Thanks, brain.

 

[Viosinger]

I had a dream last night. I don't remember all of it, but the emotions behind it all were painfully clear. I was back in a mix of high school and college. I was clearly still living with my parents, and could feel that constant clutch of anxiety in my chest at all times, I could feel the constant judgement of those around me for not reaching my full potential, but was finally angry at them for not seeing how terribly miserable I was. Mixed in was college. I have dreams now where I don't even know I'm enrolled in a class, it's the end of the semester and I haven't gone at all. I was pretty out of it for my last 2 years in college, not knowing what I was going through was severe and constant PTSD symptoms, I always blamed myself. I wasn't strong enough, smart enough, I wasn't organized enough, energetic enough (though I worked 5 part-time jobs and tried to handle a full-time music education degree with no financial support except a loan each semester which barely covered my tuition (if that).

The good thing in my dream was being angry. I yelled at someone. I screamed at them as I closed a gate behind my asking why they couldn't f'ing get that I was in pain, that I'd been raped, that I wasn't capable of what they were asking of me, that I'd been living in a controlling, abusive household and nobody DID anything.

The tough part was waking up with that feeling that I was failing. That my life was slipping by me and I wasn't keeping up. Perhaps some of this is true, I do have a lot of paperwork for my company to catch up on, some general household finance stuff to get more organized about, and I'm trying to get back on track with my fitness. But I had a flood of relief when I remembered... "wait... I'm not in school. I left. I own and operate my own company now. I'm in a happy, loving relationship. I have an adorable, healthy dog. I'm okay."

 

[Viosinger]

I need sleep but can't sleep. My father passed away. His funeral was today. I was home with my family. Friends got me drunk last night, I yelled at my mother and ranted at my siblings about how everyone is. I made a bad situation worse, and now I'm the bitch. My behavior was out of line, but maybe it's not all my fault. Idk. I feel terrible & like my family all hates me now. & I'm not a small town mom with 2 kids. So sue me.

 

[Viosinger]

My Father passed away March 27. After that, I worked for 2 more days, flew home for a funeral, had an explosive and unhelpful time with my family, came home and just died myself for a week. I did nothing but go to work, maybe socialize a little, take the dog out, and sleep. Lots of sleep. I worked for hours yesterday from home preparing my taxes (one of the joys of owning a small business, taxes are no longer an easy one-form situation). But waking up today with a bursting "to do" list and the energy to get started has been wonderful. I finally feel like myself again, even if not 100% yet. I'm also glad my boyfriend was out of town for 2 weeks after we returned home. It would have been wonderful to have him here for support and help, but having the space to just fall apart without judgement or anxiety or fighting about dishes was a relief.

 

[Viosinger]

I had too much wine at a friend's wedding and made an ass of myself. I feel horrible. I hope she doesn't hate me. I worry I've lost friends over this, though, and this was part of the problem, they're friends I rarely hear from or see anyway. Not to say they're not good people, but I get the feeling I stopped being a social priority a long time ago (mostly when I started dating, got a dog so I can't stay out all night, and started working afternoons). By the time I have a day off, nobody's free.

But... My behavior was inappropriate & not very nice. I need my bf to get home from this work trip. I need someone to hug, to hold onto, to feel some sense of support in my life. The last few weeks I've felt nothing but lonely, isolated, and generally outcast or unimportant. I've fallen apart and keep trying to just sew myself together to make it through another day but the stitches are starting to unravel. And I'm too tired to keep fixing myself over and over.

 

[Viosinger]

Having my boyfriend home has made a big difference (even if there are frustrating moments for both of us, as in any long-term relationship). I don't like feeling like I depend on him so much to help me stay more stable, but I do at this point. Perhaps for no other reason than adjusting to living with someone, suddenly being alone for weeks at a time over and over is difficult. Not that it was easier when I was single, but there wasn't anyone to answer to at the end of it. His schedule effects mine. Depending on the schedule he works while he's away, I'm either taking calls in the morning or late evening, my only chance to talk to him other than sparse texting. And since he's not terribly fond of talking on the phone (bit of a semi stereotypical man there), I treasure whatever time he can handle it so I can hear his voice and we can have a conversation resembling a normal "how's your day?" moment.

But I'm also realizing that in grieving, I seem to have unintentionally pushed everyone who would like to support me, help me, comfort me as far away as possible, like I'm some rabid, dying animal who'd rather lick my own wounds in private with some sense of dignity. Maybe that's what it is. I'm not sure, though. The issue is that I don't like random people hugging me. Sadly, my own family is a bizarre experience to receive hugs from, since I rarely see them. Clients hugging me is just.... awkward. The biggest, meanest thing I said after too much wine at my friend's wedding was to the girl trying to talk me into sleeping there for the night, saying, "I never see you anyway, what the f*ck do you care?"

I clearly want help and support, but I can't seem to want or handle it in the ways that people want to offer. My family history is complicated and unpleasant. The things I"m greiving haven't been what most people think of when someone's father dies, and with that comes a whole flood of mixed memories, emotions, and past fights. Start venting about that to people, and they assume I'm just not greiving at all, that I'm in denial at missing my father. I'm not. I just don't know who I miss. It was a painful, and often unpleasant relationship. I am sad he passed. But more so, I'm struggling with a whole bunch of other symptoms dealing more with being back in my hometown for a few days, harsh criticism of my job (owning a company), my relationship, my unmarried status, and the fact that I don't have children (and might choose to never do so).

For now, with a leaky garbage disposal on my mind and a slew of other thoughts whirling around... I will brush my teeth, and crawl into bed with my boyfriend. Nothing is ever perfect, but just having him nearby makes my life better, and pushes me to be better.