Sexual Assault Ritualized Abuse?

[chant2012]

It gets very confusing. It feels like I can't break free from these responses that seem almost automatic... Like, these reactions. When someone says something to me (dad, mom, anyone really) I will react with a certain reaction(s) or thought or feeling.... It all depends on the situation and how I feel I am supposed to react... But oftentimes, I don't even think about it. It just comes second nature... And I don't have nay idea where these second nature reactions stem from exactly... I don't know the exact cause. I can't pinpoint it... And for some reason... I just feel so scared right now... Maybe it's just the gloominess from the weather that has be a bit down... I don't know... I just feel 'on edge' and my heart's racing and I feel so unnerved... I feel completely and hopelessly guilty at the same time for saying all this crap about my dad because he is so kind to me... He only had a 'mean streak sometimes when I was little... And only sometimes know... Except when I push him away he gets so hurt over it because I am not going along with it and I freak out on him... And then he looks like I killed his spirit... Completely crushed... Sometimes he says things that make me feel so guilty and mean... Then I second guess everything I believe and everything I have experienced... Because I know deep down, he didn't do those things to hurt me... Not really to hurt me like in a bad way... Only to hurt me in a playful "rough housing" kind of way... I just feel this need to self-destruct...
***Trigger***
I feel like I want to get really drunk. Just want to get wasted all the way. I don't even care...
I want to hurt myself...
I want to c*t I want to b*rn...
I want to take pills...
I just feel the compulsion to do these things... I c*t and SI yes, but this is different... I feel this compulsion... I don't know... So strong and hard to fight...

I am just so confused and mixed up in here *points to head* I feel like a big loser...

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @chant2012 . I hear your confusion.

I feel like I want to get really drunk. Just want to get wasted all the way. I don't even care...
I want to hurt myself...
I want to c*t I want to b*rn...
I want to take pills...
I just feel the compulsion to do these things... I c*t and SI yes, but this is different... I feel this compulsion... I don't know... So strong and hard to fight...

I am just so confused and mixed up in here *points to head* I feel like a big loser...

How about looking at these.
I feel like I want to get really drunk -why? What will it achieve? what alternatives are there?
I want to hurt myself-what will that do?
Cut/burn? - what else would be less harmful? Ice?
Pills? - for relaxation, as prescribed - maybe. Could be helpful in the short term if you are feeling a crisis.
Compulsion - sure! That is what self injury is often about. However you have been in therapy for over 2 years. What strategies have you discussed in the past. I know compulsion is hard to resist, but I am sure you have been here before. What has worked in the past?

You are not a big loser! You are working hard ( maybe too hard?) and have a lot to deal with. Be kind to yourself.

I hope you are listening to your T, so that you can identify what the triggers to your current distress are, and then reduce the impact they have next time.

 

[cherryblossom]

I know people get aggravated when I add to this...

I don't know why you've got that impression. It's not the case. This is your story, and your place to write as much or as little as you want to. I find writing helps to clear my head. If it helps you too, then please keep writing ;)

I'm sorry your feeling so bad at the moment. Lucy has some great suggestions to think about. I hope you find a healthy way to work through this. Take care of yourself, you're definitely not a loser :hug:

 

[chant2012]

Hi @chant2012 . I hear your confusion.


How about looking at these.
I feel like I want to get really drunk -why? What will it achieve? what alternatives are there?
I want to hurt myself-what will that do?
Cut/burn? - what else would be less harmful? Ice?
Pills? - for relaxation, as prescribed - maybe. Could be helpful in the short term if you are feeling a crisis.
Compulsion - sure! That is what self injury is often about. However you have been in therapy for over 2 years. What strategies have you discussed in the past. I know compulsion is hard to resist, but I am sure you have been here before. What has worked in the past?

You are not a big loser! You are working hard ( maybe too hard?) and have a lot to deal with. Be kind to yourself.

I hope you are listening to your T, so that you can identify what the triggers to your current distress are, and then reduce the impact they have next time.

I see my T tomorrow... very scared. I feel little and small inside and very frightened... I will take these questions you've posted here into consideration when I feel these strong compulsions. They are very good to ask and think and it means a lot to me. I will talk to my T tomorrow. Blessings! Again, thank you for being so kind to me and helpful. ♥

 

[chant2012]

I don't know why you've got that impression. It's not the case. This is your story, and your place to write as much or as little as you want to. I find writing helps to clear my head. If it helps you too, then please keep writing ;)

I'm sorry your feeling so bad at the moment. Lucy has some great suggestions to think about. I hope you find a healthy way to work through this. Take care of yourself, you're definitely not a loser :hug:

Hi there Cherry! :) I just felt like that... I don't know why. Sorry... But thank you for the support and validation. It means a lot. I support you as well! :)

 

[chant2012]

Gonna HAVE to talk yo T about this when I next see her in a few days.

Lately I have been having these blackouts... I am not sure if it is really a blackout though.. It's like time loses all meaning and I just become not aware as much of what I am doing or what I have done... The blackouts are anywhere from a few seconds at a time to minutes and even up to an hour. Or maybe longer. I'm not sure. And like I said, it's not really a blackout per se, but like I keep becoming unaware of where I am and what I am doing and then time will like slip by and I don't notice it and I get lost... I guess I have kind of blackout out or lost time a few times maybe...? It feels like I used to feel when I smoked a ton of weed... When I look around, everything 'stutters'. Like time folds in on itself. And every few seconds it's like I forget where I am and I'm disoriented. And then right when I start to remember where or even who I am it happens again and then I am like, "Am I real? Where am I? What's happening?" It's like time means nothing. Lose all sense of time kind of. And I get tingly and it feels like I'm floating. I go numb... It happens in waves. Maybe I am having seizures. So, on the 12th when I see my T, I need to cover this... It started happening really badly after I left her office the other day and after I told her about feeling like I am little inside and like my thoughts are not entirely mine but feel like a little kid's... Then, BOOM, an hour later, this all starts happening... Has been off and on ever since... But I do have to say that this happened a few months ago... I had taken a medicine and I figured it was a bad reaction... But now it's happening again.... Not so sure anymore...

 

[Lucycat]

This sounds like dissociation to me. It is a common reaction for people who have experienced trauma. Sure discuss it with T, and I am sure you will come up with strategies to reduce it. However I do not think it is something for you to worry about it at all. It gets worse with anxiety, so the more you fear it the more likely it is to happen! For that very reason you are quite to discuss it in therapy.

 

[chant2012]

Thanks for the input Lucy. It means a lot. Your advice is always so thoughtful and helpful. Thank you. It could be dissociation I guess. Not sure. I'll get some answers soon I hope. Will let tou know how it goes. It's affecting my job (I'm a nurse). It's get to the point where I can hardly function... I need it gone... I hope T has some answers. Will keep informed. Blessings and love to you! :)

 

[chant2012]

Below is something I wrote... It is me speaking to my T, whom I will be calling "R".

So, R I came yesterday... You told me you read through my "trauma pages". I told you about the blackouts... I also told pdoc. Pdoc said it could be dissociation related to the PTSD or it could be a on the dissociative disorder spectrum. She also said it could be seizures and that I should be seen by a doctor to cover all my bases just in case. Then, I came and saw you... told you all about what pdoc said... told you how I was feeling... you didn't even seem surprised. You said that it seemed more plausible that it's dissociation rather than seizures... but that I should get checked out by a doctor just in case... you talked more about me 'splitting' in childhood... blocking... mind pushing away... I'm scared now... you said I am not DID but might fit the other categories... so you think I am somewhere on the spectrum... I don't believe it and I don't want to believe it... I trust you... kind of but don't want to I think... So f*cking unsure and confused... I can't even talk to my parents about why I'm feeling like this... that'd mean I'd have to tell them the sh*t I'm working on in T... Told my mom it's seizures maybe... F*cking h*ll....

 

[Lucycat]

@chant2012 . Just because you told your Mum it might be seizures, does not mean you have to give her any other explanation if you don't want to. If you are getting it further investigated to be ruled out you can tell her that. You do not need to expand any further.

As for DID - yes it is on a spectrum, but DID is not the spectrum if that makes sense. There is a spectrum of dissociative disorders, with DID on the extreme end. Many of us have varying degrees of dissociation as part of the PTSD/Complex PTSD diagnosis.

Splitting in childhood can be referring to Structural Dissociation about which a lot is written. It is not the same as a diagnosis of DID, although it is very confusing. It sounds as if the whole idea has panicked you. There is no need. You have not changed, the behaviours were already there, your T is simply trying to help you understand what is going on in your head.

I am sure once you have calmed down and read some more, you will be able to put it into perspective.

 

[chant2012]

Hi the Lucy! What I meant by "the spectrum" I should have said the "dissociative disorder spectrum". Depersonalization on one end and DID on the other. I know DID is not the same. I guess there is something called DDNOS... But I doubt that's it either... Don't want to believe it. Oh well. Thank you for the support.
I just would have no idea how to tell my mom about the dissociation or anything related.
Anyway, thanks so much for the advice. Will continue to talk to my T about this and work in grounding techniques.
Blessings!!! <3

 

[chant2012]

I now feel bad. Although this stuff did happen, it wasn't evil and terrible like it really sounds. They really were just that: games. We were rough-housing. and I don't think he knew his own strength. As for the sexualized stuff, well, I am just not sure. He more than likely had it like I did and thought it was normal unfortunately. I just, I am very lost right now...

And I feel so much guilt over this. My dad really loves me. He truly did not mean this as bad. He didn't even know he was doing anything wrong. He loves me more than anything in the whole world. He is so kind to me. It wasn't until I was an adult and read about how this wasn't normal that it even really began to bother me... I mean, he would do almost anything for me, I get that he has messed up, but he gave me all the love a child could ask for. And it makes me feel guilty for demonizing him because he was so great. I mean, yeah he did hurt me and sometimes he lost his cool and it was really bad, but that was rare I think.... We hunted and did outdoor things all the time and it was just great. It was "our thing"... And yes, a lot of times that is when he would "vent" or "dump" on me and just about my mom and sex (lack of) and things like that... But, it was still great... And I feel I just need to give him credit for the great dad he really is... The great things he has done and still does for me. He really is a great dad. I love him... But yet I feel so messed up due to this stuff and confused. I cannot keep telling about him/this anymore... It's not right of me... He has no idea I talk about him like this... If he did, it would kill him inside knowing I actually think this "sick stuff" about him... I wish I had never started talking...

And yes, these things my dad did, did happen, I admit that. But, I just feel I needed to mention the good things too. There were more good things then bad. No, I I didn't just feel like I "needed" to mention them, I wanted to mention them (the good times and things we did together). I wanted to tell about the good things. Because they are and were very important to me. He loves me. I am not trying to downplay what he did, because it happened but it honestly wasn't intentional. I know it may be hard to believe, but I know him, I know how much he loves me. He honestly didn't do the things he did with bad intention. Selfish and jaded? Yes; Purposefully trying to hurt me? No. My dad gave me more hugs and love than most dads I know. He is a big supporter of everything I do. He truly cares and loves me. But, I have to admit, he did make mistakes that have hurt me even though he does love me. And that is where I have the conflict and problems... It is hard to make these two realities mesh... He loves me, I love him... yet there were things that he did (emotional things and some physical things) that happened...but I feel like credit should be given where credit is due.... He will always be one of the best dads in many many ways...