Roommate and i, what comes after apology

[Deleted member 12723]

He sure is trying to talk you out of your no and boundaries isn't he? Be the broken record and just repeat the facts that you told him, do not buy the snake oil he is selling.:hug:

 

[Muttly]

ok. heading home.

 

[Muttly]

And I just rolled over like the world's biggest wuss

 

[Justmehere]

Muttly - :hug: I can relate to the struggle of knowing boundaries are needed but struggling to set and keep them.

Living with someone dealing with an active addiction is very tough, even in the best of circumstances. He is very good at manipulating you. Take the example you gave the other day. He totally had money for a drink but not gas? So uncool. He is trying to freeload a bit off you, and you are enabling it a bit.

The fact that he’s throwing a fit about the boundaries and overall situation may actually be a sign that he’s beginning to sense that you are setting some limits. Pushing over your boundaries was working for him. He didn’t have to take responsibility. Now? He might be scared he does have to begin to take more responsibility for his choices.

Setbacks are to be expected.

Instead of getting down on yourself, maybe look at what was the fear you have in saying no to him? Or, what was the “benefit” in saying yes? Sometimes people say yes to letting a boundary go because it’s just damn easier in the moment...

Looking at the bigger issues as to why a boundary was easy or hard to keep might help lead to solutions. I used to bend a boundary with a friend because I was scared they’d leave me. So I found other ways to manage that fear and the boundary was way easier to keep.

I think it’s time to write down under what circumstances he may borrow the car. I’d also write down a boundary about the consistency you need. Perhaps it can be that except in life and death emergency trips to go to an ER, trips have to scheduled 24 hours in advance. As for the gas situation - perhaps it’s a matter of him paying xyz amount for gas and in exchange he uses it x amount of times a week or something like that. Or always splitting it 50/50.

I’d make the boundaries you have very clear, especially because he isn’t just your roommate but your unhappy and unable-to-yet-control-his-addiction tenant.

Then when these rough moments come up, refer to this written document for your own sake - and his.

It’s ok for him to be left hanging without a ride. It can help motivate him on his path to recovery and getting a job. And it’s really hard to hold that boundary when someone flips out about it or pushes it over again and again and again.

 

[The Albatross]

In recovery circles alcoholism is the disease of the lonely and addicts is the disease of manipulators. It is good practice not to deviate from your own needs and obligations and encourage the add on trips that ramp up your stress and frustration. Why do you think you need or deserve an addict as a roommate?

(added in edit)
“Problems arise when people act as if their "boulders" are daily loads, and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads" are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry. The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

 

[Muttly]

@Justmehere Thanks for your thoughts. You asked some good questions. I guess we don't like to say "no" because... we feel once ad for all it will prove we are a bad person. Sigh. It's old, old stuff. Like we have to prove our worth by being the good, giving, caretaking one because otherwise we are just a problem and yuck.

it's not like he's some super close friend that we are afraid of losing. he started out basically as an acquaintance and it seemed like things would work well for him to rent here.

We are not going to let him drive our car anymore though. we are done with that. Last night we let him use it and an hour after he should have been back he called to say he was having coffee with his sponsor. That's not his stated reason for borrowing the car. He also had said he'd put in gas money. He put in just enough to cover his trip there and back.

@The Albatross Well, you do have a way for asking the blunt questions :) I certainly don't need or want an addict for a roommate. I was basically desperate for money and some help around the house when this whole thing started. Hmpf.

I had to read the quote through several times to get it, but I love it. That is truly powerful and I'm going to refer back to it regularly.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Dear @Muttly....I am sorry that your roommate is dedicated to doing whatever he wants to do at your expense and I guess he will initially try to do the least possible of whatever you ask of him. Notice please how he covered just, the use of the gas and replaced that and is not willing to do any more. Not trying to heap more stuff on you or to make you feel bad, but his behaviour is very selfish as you have seen and is typical for an addicts behavior and I am sure that as time passes without severe limits and boundaries from you, he will just grow worse and escallate into worse behavior and words.

The good part is that right now although he is still trying to climb over your boundaries and limits you did have a success of getting him to replace the gas he used. So good for you. It is very hard and painful to have to deal with addicts in their cycles.

Please be encouraged that you are having an impact on him so far and that he will always try to knock your boundaries and plans down like a steamroller. With some assistance from your therapist, you should be able to shift the balance more in your favor. Don't give up okay? Really glad that you are not willing to share your car anymore, that was a really strong and good step for you.:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Muttly]

I just told him he can't borrow my car anymore. At first he said, "ok" and I was thinking it was way too easy. Now he's been telling me how it's nothing but drama with me. How he's been trying all week and he spent "over $300 in food stamps" here this month.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

he spent "over $300 in food stamps" here this month.

Really? Yeah way too easy. Stand your ground and do not back down and get talked out of the your no and boundaries you are setting up. He can be a steamroller all he wants because it has worked for him in the past and just remember he is not respecting your no or boundary.

 

[Muttly]

I wrote the email giving him 30 days notice to leave. can I send it? Is that heartless? gah.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that was great, Yes you can send it if this is what you need and want to do. I am sorry about all that has been happening to you. You are a good person and deserve better than to be taken advantage of and I think you are very wise to tell him to leave. Just be strong and know that although you feel alone we are here with you to support you each step of the way. Here are some ninja hugs to help you to be strong.
:ninja::hug::ninja::hug::ninja::hug::ninja::hug::ninja: