Rorster Trauma Diary

Rorster93

Confident
Glad to hear you are the going to give antidepressants a try. Sometimes we are luck and the first one work. Sometimes it's a crap shoot. But I know what a difference I started to feel and I also felt like I could tackle my issues without being so overwhelmed.

There are no magic pills. Sometimes you will still be sad. But being sad is not the same as being depressed. Just be honest with those trying to help you and really hoping this works for you. Sending gentle hugs
Thank you 😊
 

Rorster93

Confident
Woke up in a flashback a couple days ago, fell into a depression that has not subsided. Mad and snappy. People are so shitty. Getting better, but I get worse when I'm around others who just don't give a f*ck.

Memory: one night I was wakened by my step-dad turned husband. He was freaking out. He had a nightmare and said the "demon" was still in the house and he was beside himself. He grabbed me and dragged me quickly outside to the patio, said he was saving me. We sat on the patio while he held his face in fear and me half asleep. Maybe 2am? His breathing was fast and he had been crying. I told him I was going to go inside, that it was safe, but he quietly, pathetically begged me not to, that the demon would get me. I told him it's ok, there is no demon. He was like a child, he trembled, clung to me and hid behind me as we walked into the apartment. I don't know what happened. I don't know why he turned into this state. It was 180 degree difference from his usual arrogant, all-knowing, fearless, controlling, manipulative personality. He did this twice over the years. Never knew what it was about or what caused him to be this way. In the morning, he would be back to his usual self.

I still remember his voice. It was so pathetic, tiny and begging. When he cried, I can feel his tears and their heat. There is a voice message he left me, begging me to come back to him. It kills me to hear someone in such despair. I have not deleted it and have not listened to it since his death. I'm scared to, afraid of the emotions it might bring up in me. But why do I have such compassion for someone who raped me and groomed me and took advantage of my vulnerability as a child whose parents were worthless in protecting and loving me?

I still can't believe he's actually dead. It's been two years but it feels like just yesterday I was with him, in person. I can still see him.
 

Rorster93

Confident
Took celexa for the first time tonight. Not sure what to expect. Hope nothing bad happens. The last time I took an antidepressant I had a bad panic attack. Not sure if it was the medicine or the circumstances though. I used to think I was allergic to sushi because I had some at a restaurant courtesy of my boss at the time, went back to the hotel room my stepdad/husband and I were renting (we were homeless) and developed hives. But later I found out it was my circumstance that gave me hives, not the sushi. My denial brain back then said it was the sushi because..well I was in denial.

I don't like taking medication but am on three pills now. One for birth control, one for acne and now one for depression. Which makes sense, I guess because my flashbacks are mainly depression.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
@Rorster93 I take Celexa. I have no problems. Give it time to work, it takes a week or two before you start to notice a difference. If they started you on a low dose after a week or two if you don't feel better and are having no side effects let them know. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right dosage. Wishing you well with this, as we deserve to not be depressed all the time. Hang in here.
 

Rorster93

Confident
No side effects from the celexa so far. But the purpose of this medication is to face my trauma which is where this diary comes in.

My boyfriend has a dog that doesn't get along with people. Not his fault, he was trained that way. He used to take his dog to a particular place to be boarded because his dog became attached to the workers there, a certain female worker. Well now that his dog is used to me, I watch him for my boyfriend while he's out of town. Saves him a lot of money. Well this female worker messaged my bf asking when is he going to bring his dog by for a visit because this is her last week, she is leaving the country to go to college. He never brought his dog by but wished her well. Then he bragged about her to me saying she is a really great person, she will do well in college, she's naturally good with dogs and can run circles around the other staff. That did not sit well with me. He never talks about me to anyone, I'm "private" in his life. I know it's moreso protective of us that he doesn't talk about us to anyone but I mean, golly, he knew her before he knew me, why didn't they date? Is she not single? Is that why? Am I like second best? His second choice?

He knew something was wrong so he asked and I told him I was jealous. He laughed said I need to get over that and we moved on. It felt nice to be able to be jealous and him know about it. I was able to feel a negative emotion with him. Accusing him of infidelity with no evidence or mistreating him is crossing the line.

A few days later, I asked if he has taken his dog for one last visit, he said no, that he doesn't take his dog for visits, only to board and he doesn't need to board him. I asked if she left yet but she wasn't leaving until the end of the month. I mumbled that I wish she was gone already. He told me to be nice, she's 18 years old, a damn kid.

I didn't feel silly until later, delayed because her being 18 wouldn't matter to my stepdad/husband so it didn't mean anything to me at first. He would have still had an affair if it were possible. And this is also where my T says my mind has been groomed. I used to think 6 year olds could be in romantic relationships. She said 6 year olds can't be in romantic relationships, that's where I used to think I carried part of the blame for being raped and molested. But I had no fault because I was a child subject to the abuses of my caretakers. It was amazing to realize how warped my mind was/is.

I feel embarrassed and silly. There's nothing romantically interesting about an 18 year old going to college. At least I'm not jealous anymore which I'm considering a win. I'm in a different world, it seems. A world where child sexual abuse is not the norm, is not excused or hidden, it is instead brought to light and strongly persecuted.
 

Rorster93

Confident
When I was in middle school living with my grandparents, I would run the neighborhood with a group of kids that lived on my street. They were all siblings. We would ride bikes everywhere and play video games. None of them really liked me. They mainly liked my brother. I wanted to be best friends with the girl of the group but she only wanted to hang out when she needed some entertainment. If she was with other girls, she would bully me. When it was just her and I, she was my friend. She would always try to get me to do things I didn't want to do. Looking back, she nor any of them had a very good idea of me. There were a couple times where the whole group would bully me, make me cry, even their parents yelled at me. They would exploit information they found out about me, secrets would become known to humiliate me. They would do whatever they wanted. If I retaliated, they would go to their parents. I would be sent home with or without being yelled at. I couldn't tell my grandparents because my grandmother always wanted us to stay indoors anyway. Not sure where she got the idea that kids were supposed to stay inside but that was always her goal. Isolation with her. So it was more like trading shit for shit. Never a break. Either my grandmother or the kids down the street. When school started, I was bullied there by girls who were bigger and looked different than me. Principle didn't care.

I remember eventually becoming so resentful and angry with this girl that I would run her off every time I saw her. I was mean to her and almost pushed her off her bike. She became scared of me and avoided me like the plague. Her and her family moved away and sold the house. I lost contact but my brother stays in touch. I'm okay with not knowing them anymore for the rest of my life.

That was life back then. During the week, get bullied at school, go home to a screaming psychopath, go outside to escape said psychopath only to be bullied by my "friends" down the street. Then, on the weekends, go to my mom's house to be emotionally voided by her and molested by my stepfather.

Fast forward to my early twenties. My husband/former step-father always brought me around his family, insisted I go. I rarely saw my own family but I saw his every week. Not sure why he wanted me around them, they didn't like me either. Their issue was I was not blood, therefore, I was not as important or accepted. He had a niece that was my age. We used to be friends when we were younger, grew apart. But she was always favored while I was pitied. It was a favor to me to let me into the house, to sit on the porch. I was in the company of more important people because I wasn't related to anyone, I was an outsider. His mother, his aunt and his youngest sister made it very clear to me that I wasn't family even though we were married. That didn't mean anything to them not even when he was dying. I used to be jealous of his niece for the acceptance she was given due to being born in this certain family. But I lost the jealousy when I became aware of its toxic dynamic. Now, I only have hope that she can break free. But the last time I saw her, she was fully entrenched.

I feel like all my life I was always the less than. The one who was not as good as the people around me.

My step-mother agrees. She told me even my dad favored her children over my brother and me. It's strange though. My father's blood runs through my veins, my brother's veins and my half siblings veins yet my half siblings have no problem thinking very highly of themselves. Why can't I of myself?

Maybe it's because when they were 13, their step-father didn't put on a pink dress and make them stick a dildo up his ass. But who am I to judge..

Sometimes I wonder what I would have been like had I not grown up in so much toxicity at every angle. What accomplishments would I have achieved, would I have had kids, would I have gone places, what I would have experienced, seen. Who would I have been had my brain not developed on trauma.
 
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