Rorster Trauma Diary

Rorster93

Confident
I understand how you feel Rorster. Tho my feelings are for different reasons, they are pretty much the same. Feeling like people out in the world can't even meet us halfway, whether it being considerate that we are short on funds, or have something to contribute to conversation. I get it.

And I do hate the phrase, this will pass. Because when we are in it, it doesn't feel like it will ever end. I'm sorry I don't have wonderful words of wisdom to share right now, but I do want to let you know you aren't alone. Sometimes when we are down and we do need someone to just sit with us and not try to fix us. Just let us have our feelings.

Sending you gentle hugs if you accept and just letting you know it's ok to feel what ever we feel. It's not right or wrong, it's our feelings. At least for today.
Thank you. I don't know why things seem to bother me so much today, why my inner critic is so strong today. I was fine all week and then this morning was hell.

I usually wake up at 5am and go to the gym, go to bed early so well rested. Bed is made every morning. I like a clean kitchen and chores done on the weekends. Routine is important, get frustrated when I don't have a schedule to keep to. And my aunt coming over has thrown everything off. I felt exhausted yesterday, frustrated and overwhelmed with my to do list but tried to live in the moment. Stayed up late preparing for her arrival and skipped going to the gym this morning, had to text my boss that I was running late (I would rather be stabbed in the eyeball than be late) didn't get to a lot of things and now I just want to choke somebody!!

I hate it when I get this frustrated. This morning I threw my shoes across the floor and yelled "f*ck" because I was mad. This is embarrassing to me. I am ashamed that I let my anger get to me like that. I don't want to live that way. I want to live a peaceful life no matter how angry I get. But I also turned around and gently placed my dog on my bed before leaving and kissed her goodbye. I'm jekyll and hyde. Or I just had a moment of anger like everyone does as long as I am not hurting myself or others, I can be angry.

Going to tell myself "this will pass" over and over today. In time, I know I will calm down and my emotions will feel less intense.

Thank you for reading and responding.
 

Rorster93

Confident
My job requires I deal with the public. A man and his wife came in and was initially being helped by my coworker. They were calm and quiet, I didn't even hear what they said. The couple left then came back. I was helping them when they returned but the man started yelling at me. The reason I will keep to myself for the sake of anonymity but it was not because of anything I did, it was strictly because of his personal situation. But when he started yelling I felt scared as I often do when a grown man starts yelling at me. My reaction is to breathe deeply to get through the initial wave of intense dread so I can, hopefully, think more clearly on the other side, but most of the time I'm still flustered and can't think straight. My coworker came over and laid down the law with him so he stopped yelling and arguing and left.

I feel like people see me and they see a push over, an easy target. Even some women will see me as an easy target to intimidate, it's like some people want to see you flustered. They get off on making you uncomfortable.

A memory that often comes to mind is the memory of a teacher yelling at me in middle school. He was a grown man and was supervising in school suspension which was where I was. I was in there because my stepdad / molester / rapist decided to "teach me how to fight" and would tell me to say certain things and fight certain students. It was to gain the respect of my peers, but all I gained were enemies and problems. Sometimes the dread to go to school became so bad I felt like I had a panic attack in the hallway. I remember feeling so out of place, so unnatural. It wouldn't be until years later that I realized it's because I'm not a violent person. I might say things, but I don't even like to debate. I like to solve problems and help people. I like being of service, making the world a better place, one moment at a time, one act of generosity at a time, despite my shortcomings. That is who I am, not an MMA fighter.

But anyway, this teacher yelled at me over something I refused to do. Nothing bad or inappropriate, I was simply a confused, rebellious teenager getting advice from a lunatic at home. There was no reason for him to yell at me like he was yelling at another grown man. I was just a little middle schooler. It scared me, humiliated me and I remember it to this day.

Pete Walker's book says to visualize how you would rescue your inner child if you, as an adult, went through a time machine and was present during the abuse. I would pull the little me behind me and yell back at that teacher to never raise his voice at the little me again and he could bet I will be reporting this to the principle, to yell at another student like that again. I don't give a f*ck what the little me did or didn't do, there is never a reason to yell or scream at the little me or any student.

Right now, I'm feeling anger towards those who abused the little me. I never did anything to deserve being yelled and screamed at, not just by this teacher but by my stepdad, my mother or my grandmother. I never deserved being broken down emotionally or mentally, I never deserved the f*cked up psychological bullshit abuse from my stepdad, my mother who thought it was right to attack me in the living room or kick me if I got too close because her husband was sexually abusing me and refused to stop even after she found out. Even after she found out he was still abusing me, we all remained living in the same household and she was just so angry with me...her anger was hardly tamed. She did not speak to me for months and when she did it was short and abandoning.

I went off on a tangent but violence and aggression never solve problems. Assertiveness is different, it is a self-protecting tool to disallow others to abuse you. But it's something I have not acquired yet.
 

Rorster93

Confident
I made myself get sick tonight. I feel awful about it. Everything was going so well, I had just come back from church. It's like taking two steps forward, three steps back. I always vow never to do this again but then I always do. It's been several months since the last time I did this. I just wish I never had this habit, I never learned how to do it. I wish I never did this.
 
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ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Temporary set back Rorster. Take the steps to not do it again. Come here and share what is going on with you. We will listen. Be kind to yourself. Unlearning the old stuff is hard. Gentle hugs if you accept.
 

Rorster93

Confident
Thank you. Spoke with another therapist who said I would benefit from antidepressants. Never been on them and my current therapist does not have the ability to write prescriptions but never mentioned them.

Sometimes I feel so lost, I should just throw in the towel. I am too broken.

For now I am going to go to sleep, write down my dreams per this new therapist's request. Tomorrow is a new day, this day will be done and over with as the Buddhists say.

Question: Zoom therapy sessions in your car. Have you ever done it and do you have any tips? I know the circle button in your car makes the AC cool the air in the vehicle and cuts off the air from outside but not wanting a heat stroke while talking to this new therapist (she can only see me during the work week via Zoom).
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Others here may be able to help you with this. You can always start a thread to get some help. It won't be as noticed in your diary.

I hope you give some thought to the antidepressants. Get a second opionion if you aren't sure or ask here on the forum. I have been on them for years. I have to have them. Some can take them for a while to get thru rough spots, but my brain chemisty is so messed up.

You may feel you are broken beyond repair. I hope you read some of the diarys in bits and peaces and see how many felt this same way starting out. This journey is a hard one. But coming here and sharing lets you know that you are worth what ever you have to do, even if you don't feel like it. Feelings are not always facts.

Hope you got some good rest and the dreams weren't too bad. Tomorrow is a new day. You will find your stride. Let others support you and remind you that you are not alone on this journey.

It's not easy, but you are worth it. Even if you don't think or feel that is true. Gentle hugs
 

Rorster93

Confident
Others here may be able to help you with this. You can always start a thread to get some help. It won't be as noticed in your diary.

I hope you give some thought to the antidepressants. Get a second opionion if you aren't sure or ask here on the forum. I have been on them for years. I have to have them. Some can take them for a while to get thru rough spots, but my brain chemisty is so messed up.

You may feel you are broken beyond repair. I hope you read some of the diarys in bits and peaces and see how many felt this same way starting out. This journey is a hard one. But coming here and sharing lets you know that you are worth what ever you have to do, even if you don't feel like it. Feelings are not always facts.

Hope you got some good rest and the dreams weren't too bad. Tomorrow is a new day. You will find your stride. Let others support you and remind you that you are not alone on this journey.

It's not easy, but you are worth it. Even if you don't think or feel that is true. Gentle hugs
Thank you Ladee, I really appreciate you!
 

Rorster93

Confident
Saw my current T today, she is going to read my book by Pete Walker to have a better understanding of my flashbacks and my depression but agrees with the new T that antidepressants might help me because I check all the boxes for being depressed.

I have to schedule an appointment with my regular doctor to get a prescription. Never been down this road, not sure what to expect.
 

Rorster93

Confident
I read your posts, I can see you're really trying and working hard on things. Good job, I know it's really hard but you're making more progress than you think you are.
Thank you. Sometimes I am grateful for the anonymity this site provides because there are some aspects of my story that I would die if anyone in my real life aside from my therapist and those involved knew of lol
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Glad to hear you are the going to give antidepressants a try. Sometimes we are luck and the first one work. Sometimes it's a crap shoot. But I know what a difference I started to feel and I also felt like I could tackle my issues without being so overwhelmed.

There are no magic pills. Sometimes you will still be sad. But being sad is not the same as being depressed. Just be honest with those trying to help you and really hoping this works for you. Sending gentle hugs
 
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