My job requires I deal with the public. A man and his wife came in and was initially being helped by my coworker. They were calm and quiet, I didn't even hear what they said. The couple left then came back. I was helping them when they returned but the man started yelling at me. The reason I will keep to myself for the sake of anonymity but it was not because of anything I did, it was strictly because of his personal situation. But when he started yelling I felt scared as I often do when a grown man starts yelling at me. My reaction is to breathe deeply to get through the initial wave of intense dread so I can, hopefully, think more clearly on the other side, but most of the time I'm still flustered and can't think straight. My coworker came over and laid down the law with him so he stopped yelling and arguing and left.
I feel like people see me and they see a push over, an easy target. Even some women will see me as an easy target to intimidate, it's like some people want to see you flustered. They get off on making you uncomfortable.
A memory that often comes to mind is the memory of a teacher yelling at me in middle school. He was a grown man and was supervising in school suspension which was where I was. I was in there because my stepdad / molester / rapist decided to "teach me how to fight" and would tell me to say certain things and fight certain students. It was to gain the respect of my peers, but all I gained were enemies and problems. Sometimes the dread to go to school became so bad I felt like I had a panic attack in the hallway. I remember feeling so out of place, so unnatural. It wouldn't be until years later that I realized it's because I'm not a violent person. I might say things, but I don't even like to debate. I like to solve problems and help people. I like being of service, making the world a better place, one moment at a time, one act of generosity at a time, despite my shortcomings. That is who I am, not an MMA fighter.
But anyway, this teacher yelled at me over something I refused to do. Nothing bad or inappropriate, I was simply a confused, rebellious teenager getting advice from a lunatic at home. There was no reason for him to yell at me like he was yelling at another grown man. I was just a little middle schooler. It scared me, humiliated me and I remember it to this day.
Pete Walker's book says to visualize how you would rescue your inner child if you, as an adult, went through a time machine and was present during the abuse. I would pull the little me behind me and yell back at that teacher to never raise his voice at the little me again and he could bet I will be reporting this to the principle, to yell at another student like that again. I don't give a f*ck what the little me did or didn't do, there is never a reason to yell or scream at the little me or any student.
Right now, I'm feeling anger towards those who abused the little me. I never did anything to deserve being yelled and screamed at, not just by this teacher but by my stepdad, my mother or my grandmother. I never deserved being broken down emotionally or mentally, I never deserved the f*cked up psychological bullshit abuse from my stepdad, my mother who thought it was right to attack me in the living room or kick me if I got too close because her husband was sexually abusing me and refused to stop even after she found out. Even after she found out he was still abusing me, we all remained living in the same household and she was just so angry with me...her anger was hardly tamed. She did not speak to me for months and when she did it was short and abandoning.
I went off on a tangent but violence and aggression never solve problems. Assertiveness is different, it is a self-protecting tool to disallow others to abuse you. But it's something I have not acquired yet.
