Rough Day Thread...

[Pippi427]

ahhh....there's an anniversary. That makes more sense now. This is one of the best explanations I've read to explain those clusters
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When I'm in an anniverary reaction pretty much everyone in my life just dissapears. A part of my brain knows they are there -- but I don't "see" them. Some only last a couple days, but I lose the entire month of January to my big one. And when I'm in it? I could care less that my supporters are worried or needy or anything else. I'm too busy trying to stay alive. So if he's ignoring you for one of those? Whole different ball game. You may just have to let it run it's course and set rules later for the next one

Yep. It's a big one. The last time we had to deal with one it was his father's death anniversary. I believe this one to be as big. I have been nothing but kind to him and will continue to be. It still hurts a lot and is even HARDER to explain to folks who haven't served. Suck that it's my birthday in a week. Looks like I need to prepare to spend it alone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The supporter mantra - "it's not about me."

It takes awhile to get comfortable with the idea of isolating as a mental reset, and that it's not because he doesn't want to see or talk to YOU. He doesn't want to interact period. With life. You may understand logically, but it takes awhile to "get it"... and I mean really get it and be comfortable enough for it not to bother you.

 

[Pippi427]

Nothing still. I think I've officially been dumped without any word.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Logically, is it more likely that he dumped you for no reason out of the blue? Or is it more likely he is having a stress reaction to his trauma anniversary?

Stop. Take a breath. Let go of the insecurity. Reset.

 

[Pippi427]

Logically, is it more likely that he dumped you for no reason out of the blue? Or is it more likely he is having a stress reaction to his trauma anniversary?

Stop. Take a breath. Let go of the insecurity. Reset.

That's what my therapist said exactly.

 

[Freida]

It takes awhile to get comfortable with the idea of isolating as a mental reset, and that it's not because he doesn't want to see or talk to YOU. He doesn't want to interact period.

Yesterday I cancelled plans with my sister for today that we have had for weeks and I can barely stand talking to hubby. I have to go to my horse therapy today and I. Dont. Want. To. Because I'm triggered and I don't want to be near anyone. For any reason. I need to isolate so I don't lose my shit. My supporters know it gets like this and they accept it. If they went all waa waa over me not answering them I would dump them.

Supporters don't get a say in isolation. It's something I do to keep my sanity. If they don't like it -- tough. It's not about them. How long with this round last? Probably a couple days - I hope. But sometimes it is longer than that. I have mandatory check ins with supporters to let them know I'm alive. That may be all they get.

If you are going to be in a relationship with someone who has ptsd you have to get over YOUR issues with isolation. It's part of the package. If you can't get to a place where you can understand its not about you there are going to be huge problems in yours

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's what my therapist said exactly.

Because it's true.

I'd be willing to bet money that if you have an otherwise healthy, established relationship, isolation for a few days has zero to do with you. There was no drama, right? You didn't have a melt down or argument before he isolated? He hasn't been gone for a few weeks?

He just kinda disappeared and went quiet, and it's an anniversary... I'd say that was play-by-play out of the PTSD handbook. He probably isn't even thinking of you right now. Like at all. Which sounds crappy, but it's true. Isolation is like survival mode. He may be able to mindlessly get through work, or have light social media browsing... but I guarantee he's not having any kind of meaningful personal interactions with anybody. He can't handle it.

You're work, because he has to emotionally connect with you. You have expectations... which is fine. And "logically" you may not think you have expectations... but you do. We all do. That's part of relationships. But he can't always handle you, your needs and your emotions when he's hanging on by his fingernails trying to manage his shit.

Does this make sense?

This is part of that supporter learning curve.

 

[Pippi427]

So yea, we discussed his isolation coping mechanism 6 months ago. I used kind words only. I let him know his coping mechanism was perfectly allowable. We would have check-ins about every 4-5 days when he was like that. This time is different. No check in what so ever. He's working overtime at work, got his kids on the weekend and has money issues and a court date with his ex wife coming up. I know he's overloaded. All I've done is check in once a day letting him know I'm there for him. The last check in I mentioned I felt like he had blocked me but I am concerned and would like for him to text me he's alive. Still nothing. He hasn't blocked me on social media.

We had no cross words our last conversation. We exchanged pictures of the kids and talked about what to do for my birthday. We've been dating 9 months. He's met my friends. Attended my roller derby games. Maybe he just got cold feet and decided to bug out.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Really though, 6 months was quite a few new stressors ago. Things change. Not all isolation periods are the same. I've been with my vet for years and he still throws me for a loop every once in awhile with new stuff. Most of the time he's fine, but sometimes there are situations beyond his control and capacity. He has a mental illness.

Your boyfriend has a mental illness.

Repeat that to yourself and let it sink in. It's hard to grasp the reality of that. I can't remember when it dawned on me, but it took awhile to "get" all this stuff.

He's not always going to function normally. He won't always be logical.

It's sneaky. Logically you can read and read and read. You can logically understand. There is an "aha" component of "getting it". It's almost zen.

 

[Pippi427]

Thank you. I'm learning more and more. It helps that my best friend is an Army wife out here. She repeats many of the same things.

 

[LuckiLee]

It's September. 9/11. And add all of his other stress of course he's isolating. These next few months are full of anniversary dates too. 9/11, Veterans day, Christmas... It's gonna be a bumpy ride, Girlfriend. Take care of yourself right now. He'll reach out when he CAN. XO

 

[Sweetpea76]

Oh shit... it is almost September 11. Mine hasn't started in yet, but he will when he notices the date.