Relationship Running Away

[GG-love]

So my sufferer told me today that he is leaving. That the state where we live is too depressing and holds too much negativity and he has to leave. He needs to leave because he needs to get himself together. I appreciate the fact that he is self aware, this is coming after weeks of being locked out and pushed away. I did everything he asked of me, I researched, I was understanding of his need for space. In the end he said I was an amazing woman but he had to go. Of course I got upset, how could I not last night when I picked him up at the airport he was affectionate and then I get slammed with this.
Now I feel bad because in getting upset and he tried to say he didn't think asking me to deal with the symptoms of his ptsd was fair to me. In what scenario is loving someone with ptsd fair? I didn't want to make him feel like crap about it but I wanted to know. All he kept saying was it isn't personal...and he still wants me in his life. I probably should have left sooner. Not tried to reason with him.
He acted like he thinks its going to go away by moving elsewhere. Like the past 2 months when he was isolating were hell for me. I loved from a distance, I didn't push (well a majority of the time), I didn't force issues.
I guess that being "an amazing woman" who loves him isn't enough. I know it isn't personal and I admire his desire to become a better him, but it just hurts so much. I am lost and scared. I have my own PTSD issues from a past relationship, it took a LOT for me to trust and let myself believe in him. I feel hurt and betrayed. He should have left me locked up in myself not convinced me to trust him. To love him, to be vulnerable for him.
I wish him well in this but now I don't know what to think. I love him and I want this to be a bad dream but I know its not. I know better for next time, the nice guys leave too.
I didn't know he was one for running away. I don't run away from my depression and problems because they don't get better they just relocate with you. I wish he believed in me like I believe in him and I hope whatever it is he is looking for he finds it.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them.

So sorry you are going through this hurt.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Bad memories from bad places can be like a prison. I encourage you to look at it as him trying to make a fresh start. If you look at it as him running away.....him running away FROM YOU.....that will breed resentment. Try to take it at face value and believe what he says.

 

[GG-love]

Thanks all... Its just hard not to take it personally. He says he cares and that it is hurting him as much as it is hurting me. Yet he had a choice. He is choosing. I guess I have to trust and have some faith.

 

[Blue Survivor]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I guess the only help that I can offer is to let you know that it doesn't sound like he is leaving YOU, but that he is leaving the PLACE that is constantly triggering him. You just happen to be IN that place. I wonder have you offered or put it out there that you are willing to go with him? Because it sounds like he wants you in his life, just not 'here in this place.'

When I divorced my husband, everyone thought that I was insane for not going after the house. But why would I want to live in what was essentially a torture chamber? I would not want to live in a place that was a constant reminder of my abuse, so I sort of get what your sufferer is going through.

 

[GG-love]

Thanks Blue... yes we had talked a lot about moving away but he insists on needing to leave alone. It progressed as we talked but he doesn't want me to wait and now thinking about it if he knows i am waiting is more stress. I am going to give what i can and pray.

 

[KwanYingirl]

There is another thread out now about PTSDers moving; why, how, when? It does seem like a common tactic some of us use to avoid reminders of our triggers. Some, like me, move a lot. If I'm not moving, I'm renovating. I put a big garden in one year them pull it out and give away the plants the next year. I paint rooms, I change colors, I change states. Bottom line? I am UNSETTLED!!! Physically and psychologically. I fill my hours with anything I can do to get my mind from bringing up abuse. Like Blue said, I didn't want the house I owned with my abusive ex.
@GG-love its a fickle existence to be sure. Crazy making watching us sufferers try to find a safe place to call home. Take this time now to assess your desires and goals. It's not fair to you to be brought in then let out and who knows what else you have to change. Take a look around. There may be a better mate for you out there. Stable, active, interesting-you deserve that.

 

[Mckinzie13]

My boyfriend constantly talks about moving or just needing to travel. The urge hits him most in times of stress.

He does leave at times. He was gone for a month straight this summer. Traveling across the country, visiting friends from the military, but also working. He is medically retired but loves acting and film so when he gets a part he takes extended time to travel. He always comes back.

I also have a hard time but I do my best to understand he isn't running from me. Even when he tells me that one day he's leaving. He recently got called back on a part for a movie so he will be leaving soon for that but I expect him to also plan to travel a bit with that as well. Instead of reacting to his nomadic tendencies in a negative way I instead never change my mood. "If that's what you need to do then go for it, I'll be here, just check in and send me pictures." I do my best to stay as upbeat as possible, looking at it as what he needs to keep his head right. And you know what? He does check in and keep me up to date. And he always comes home.

As much as he feels the need to escape, he also starts to feel the need to be home, with his kids, somewhere familiar. I know that no matter what this is his home and he will find his way back.

My opinion is that if I react strongly or negatively to his taking off then I become part of the problem. I become one of those stressors he is runnin from. By reacting in a positive way then I become one of those things that draws him home... His kids, family, people he cares for.

It's a hard road but it's been 4 months since his last disappearing act and although I have seen him with the urge to take off, he's still here.

 

[GG-love]

McKinzie13 Thank you so much, I am scared to hope too much right now while things are so uncertain. I guess once the punched in the gut feeling left and after a few days of talking. (We have talked more in the last 3 days than in the last 3 months I think, as he was isolating due to stressors) Things are better. I know if I don't let him go it will foster resentment. The part that is hard is not knowing if he will come back home. I don't know and so right now I am putting one foot infront of the other and making sure he knows he can come home (if he wants to and that he has one here and when he is ready). I guess since we have talked more in the last few days it has gotten to be less of me feeling like I am unwanted and that he doesn't care. I don't want to be another stressor, in that I hear you whole heartedly. I spent the last few months reading on how to be a better support system and putting all of those things into practice (something he noticed but was not discussed until the last few days). I guess the scary part for me is being that I am the only person here he is close to he has no other ties, his kids are with their mother, his family doesn't live here. It is just me and my daughter. I have been telling him I support him and know its what he needs to do and that it won't change my feelings for him. I don't know what else to do except be honest about it. I have no anger, just sadness at the situation.

 

[Mckinzie13]

You know my boyfriend has always said that no one could deal with him and his issues. His wife couldn't when he came home and so they divorced. He has had 2 serious girlfriends before me and neither could deal when things got bad. So to him.... I won't be able to deal.

What I've noticed in researching and Speaking with other wives and girlfriends of veterans that it seems like a last man standing kind of deal. It takes a LONG time for them to trust, really trust. I have been with my guy for almost 10 months and the man moves like a turtle when it comes to relationships lol. But as much as he says a long term relationship won't work, he still continues to move forward in this one, slowly but forward. At this time we live together though he keeps it safe by not letting go of his house or furniture. He talks to me about a lot, more than he talks to anyone else. That said he still doesn't fully trust me. Just last week I was told I couldn't handle knowing what he's done. I never ask, never, never. But at that time he was isolating and emotional and so he was having a bit of a breakdown.

My point is this, relationships involving someone with ptsd are hard. Can I handle everything he hands out? I don't know. What I do know is I love him and I will be there when he needs me whether we are in a relationship or not. It's really not about can I handle it for me. It's can he? Who knows. I find comfort knowing that no matter what happens he knows I will always be there. This is something I have made sure he knows. No matter what he is my friend first and foremost. I would love to spend the rest of my life with him but I know that may not happen. I think we both find comfort in the fact that even if he feels, or I feel, that there may come a time when we can't be together, we will always be in each other's lives. Neither of us could deal with losing out on seeing each other's kids or being in each other's lives.

Just hold on.... But not too tight :) do what you do for him out of a loving and caring place. Try your best to understand and take it one day at a time. Just remember that each day you have with him is what counts and try not to focus on when or if he's leaving. You never know, maybe you're the person who will make him feel safe again. Just give him the time he needs to figure that out without pressure.

I do wish you the best and I know it's so hard. Without knowing you I know this.... It's takes a strong and loving person to take this on. :)

 

[GG-love]

I totally relate to the not knowing if I can deal with everything but knowing I want to try. Its just really hard because with all the talking we have done he packed up his entire life and has made all the arrangements to leave this place. He is my best friend. I don't want to lose him in my life either but am unsure how to take that step back except to do it with love. I have some hope but am afraid if I don't lock it away it will consume me. I so needed the words you have said. He says he feels safe with me, that I feel like home but there are to many other factors for him to remain here. Maybe when he has gotten back on track things will change again, anything is possible.
I also relate to the fact that no one else has stayed through his issues. I don't want to abandon him. Thank you so much Mckinzie for your kind words and insight. The date is set for him to leave but he promised not to leave over the weekend while I am out of town on a preplanned trip to see family. This man is so special in so many ways and worth me stepping back and giving him love from a distance that allows him to be who he needs to be.

 

[Fruitl00ps]

I fully understand where you're coming from. My husband and I for the past 6 months have been in a cycle of him threatening to leave, to just run away from it all. Our life has been a little chaotic for the past 8 months or so. We've discussed moving because there's so many bad memories and family where we currently live that we thought it would be a good idea to make new memories somewhere else and start a new life where he didn't have to worry about going to the store because he might run into a family member or whatnot. So we started renovating our house to get it on the market (the mess was a trigger) so that was awful for him living in chaos and dealing with the stress of preparing to move and alot of times his flight response kicked in and he just wanted to run away. It's hard, but I can understand where he's coming from. I know he loves me, but I know I can never understand the pain he's going through on a daily basis and how much he struggles just to make it through one day, especially the past few months.

We sold our house and moved West, but ended up having to move back home and now we're living with his mom (another trigger and causing his nightmares to get worse) trying to get our life back together (trying to move out of state again) and every time something positive happens for us (getting further in the interview process), he just freezes up, anxiety is through the roof, or his flight response kicks in and he wants to pack his bags, take the car and just leave without me or our cat and just leave it all behind.

I can understand his rationale or how he explains it, that he loves me and wants to push me away because he thinks I deserve better than to love someone with PTSD, and when I try to explain to him I don't see it that way and I love him for him even with the PTSD, knowing nothing may change/no expectations, it seems to just upset him more. He worries about my future and our future with him unable to work right now because of his PTSD and he's worried I won't live the life he thinks I deserve or could have had without him. But I also know part of his motives are self preservation and his brain is trying to get him someplace far away from where we are now.

But the constant threat of him leaving hurts, even though I know it's a trigger response and even though if I knew he would be happier and live a better life I would give anything for him to get some peace and find that even if it meant a life without him. But sometimes it terrifies me that he will just leave without any plan or any direction and who knows what would happen.

Sorry this turned into rambling, but you're definitely not alone in what you go through. We've been married 6 1/2 years and he didn't confide to me about what happened to him as a child until almost 2 years ago and that's when he finally just broke.

Rambling again. But again you're not alone with what you're going through with your sufferer and I hope things get better for you. From my experience it's more of a roller coaster and I just cherish our good days.